Bradley Cooper Needs To Get Some Standards
The Kidd totally forgot that it’s an extended weekend as a result of 4th of July. Had I remembered in enough time, I would have given you notice that I was taking the day off and celebrated the sacrifices of our forefathers by getting drunk and trying to hop on one of those inflatable dolphins down at the pool, just like they intended for me all those many years ago. Instead, in my stupidity and forgetfulness, I can’t leave you hanging without proper notice, even though you are chilling down at the beach with your 7th margarita in hand. In any event, let’s see what’s happening on this slow day, and get through it quick. I’ve got some alcohol waiting for me… oh, and cheeseburgers… and… let’s just get on with it.
Bradley Cooper is a good-looking guy. I’m pretty comfortable with my sexuality to be able to admit when some dude might just be a handsome fella. I’m not saying 
that I would run out and fuck Bradley Cooper for his good looks, but if he reached out and grabbed my ass, I wouldn’t be ridiculously upset. But, when it comes to chicks, will this guy please develop some sort of standards or guidelines to follow when he selects who he’ll get together with, because who he’s been with so far is a little disturbing. First, he was seen out and about with Jennifer Aniston, which is okay if you are into Brad Pitt’s sloppy seconds. And now he was spotted out getting comfy-cozy with Renee Zellweger. According to OK! Magazine (yes, the same disgusting publication that has a dying Michael Jackson on the cover… you make me sick, OK!), Bradley Cooper and Renee were out for a romantic dinner in NYC earlier this week, flirting and touching and joking and whispering and… okay okay okay. I get it. How Bradley Cooper was able to get close enough to do any of that is amazing to me, consider Renee Zellweger’s lips had to be in the fuckin’ way, but apparently our boy’s a trooper.
Now, look… if Bradley Cooper wants to go for these chicks, then that’s his prerogative. But I think someone needs to step in and let him know that he’s dating these chicks now… not these chicks 10 years ago, when they were last attractive. I mean, Renee Zellweger from “Empire Records” and “Jerry Maguire” - Go right ahead, Bradley, and tap that ass. Renee Zellweger who now looks like she can’t stop fuckin’ squinting… EVER – fuck that shit. I’m still trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with this lady. Between the eyes and the lips, why does it appear her face is always swollen? Come on, Brad. You were just in a hit movie. You are talks to be in some pretty big projects in the future. Surely you can do better than Bridget Jones. You’ve got to. You owe it to all of us. I’m just 
taking a wild guess here, but I’m pretty sure if you put a dog in heat used for breeding near Renee Zellweger, not even he would fuck her. Don’t get caught up in the memory of what Renee Zellweger was. Take a good look at what she is now, and then don’t worry… I won’t judge you when you run away. In fact, I’ll be more impressed with your speed. What is that… like a 5 minute mile there…?
As for Jennifer Aniston, well, was she ever actually hot? I know she was getting railed by Brad Pitt on a regular basis until he upgraded to something much better. But was she ever really hot? I guess you could maybe say she was attractive or above-average at one time, but that was during the whole Rachel-hair craze of “Friends.” But that was like 15 years ago. I can’t ever remember looking at Jennifer Aniston and saying to myself “Man, I would totally fuck her.” Never… not once… never ever. I may have said once or twice “Man, I would totally love for that chick to clean my bathtub,” but even then, I had no desire for her to be naked in doing it. I just wanted someone else to put those Scrubbing Bubbles to work for me. I think I was playing Xbox or something. You know… I was busy, with something important on the agenda. I’ve never once been 
curious to see Jennifer Aniston in some state of undress, never once wondering what her tits looked like, or thinking about whether or not she has a nice ass, or is clean shaven… NOTHING. In fact, the more clothes on her, the better… because I just don’t care. I’m pretty sure I’ve wondered what Amy Winehouse looks like naked more than I ever have Jennifer Aniston… and that’s sad… for Jennifer Aniston… and also for me.
Bradley, just take my advice… there are many other older actresses out there that look better than these two, who I’m sure you might be much happier with when it comes to getting down to business… at least in terms of having to look at them with the hopes of getting aroused. I mean, Glenn Close hasn’t looked good since… well, since ever, but The Kidd would go so far as to say she would rank higher on the sexiness scale than these two. Farrah Fawcett… oh, wait… she’d dead. Hmmm… still hotter. What…? Too soon…? Deal with it. I’m just saying that Bradley Cooper needs to set his bar a little bit higher when it comes to who he’s shacking up with. That’s all. No one should hate their penis that much.
He can have Hayden Panettiere, for instance. The “Heroes” cheerleader is now available and taking applications, having recently split with some dude named Steve Jones. “I’m single and mingling. Steve lives in London, the distance is a bit too much,” she told The Mirror. Ended it with an Englishman, huh…? I bet it was 
the teeth… it’s always the teeth. In any event, she is lonely and needs company. Save the cheerleader, save the world, right? Someone needs to step in and show her a good time, because otherwise we might be in deep shit. Let’s go through my numbers, and see if I have anyone I can introduce her, too… oh, yeah… I have he perfect match for her. Hayden, I’d like you to meet my wang. Now shake hands and have a ball… or two. Ah… another love connection made. I should get paid for this kind of thing.
I heard that one of the Kardashians might pose for Playboy, and I got excited for a second, because Kim had already done a pictorial, and it wouldn’t be such a bad thing to splatter that ass all over a few more pages in an upcoming issue. But apparently, there are more Kardashians than her, so I had to see just who was talking about the possibility. Khloe Kardashian told Marc Malkin of E!, “I like doing things for a reason, and not just because someone gave me a big check. So I personally will say, not right now, but I can’t say never.” Well, guess what, Khloe with a fuckin’ K, The Kidd will step in for you and say never, because I didn’t know who the fuck you even were until right now and had never seen you before in my entire life. Now I have, and all i can say is… 
WHAT THE FUCK?! First, Playboy starts airbrushing everything, including people’s nipples and shit off. Then, they start putting up pictorials of chicks wearing clothes with no nudity whatsoever, such as Olivia Munn and allegedly Heidi Montag. And now it is going around that they might put a chick in it that looks like fuckin’ BIgfoot?!?! I knew Hugh Hefner was getting up there in age, but, when you can’t even tell the difference between a woman and an ape-like beast, it’s time to leave the Playboy Mansion and go into a home… or into the ground. Fuck it… it may seem harsh, but this guy is now okay with nudeless models and a Sasquatch centerfold, and that’s no way to live. So after he gets his diaper changed, can we please just go ahead and consider putting him out of his misery for his sake… and ours…?
Speaking of Heidi Montag briefly, no, I am not going back on my ban of her in this blog. I am staying true to my word to keep her out of here, unless she is showing some snatch in her own upcoming Playboy issue. I am staying strict with the rules here, but today she gets a mention as being the subject of someone else’s stupidity. Brooke Hogan is starting some beef with Heidi Montag on her new song “Ur Not That Hot.” At the beginning of the song, a Heidi impersonator says, “Ummm… Hey, Brooke, what’s up? This is Heidi Montag. I just want to let you know that I’m making a record and that your record better watch its back. And, if you think that Stack$ is awesome, just wait for Spencer. Bye.” So let me get this straight… a reality show star and attempted singer who nobody cares about is trying to get attention by starting some kind of fight with another reality show 
star and attempted singer who nobody cares about…? Wow… I couldn’t write this shit even if I tried. Talk about trying desperately hard for people to take notice of you… how long before the sex tape comes out? You can hear the new song on Brooke Hogan’s new mixtape “Judgment Day,” which comes out somewhere this weekend. After all, whatcha gonna do, brutha, when Brooke Hogan disses some people from “The Hills” on a song just for you…? I don’t know… not listen to it… not buy it… not care… should I keep going, or was that just a rhetorical question, Hulkster.
Brooke took to her MySpace blog to basically throw down that she will talk shit about anyone she wants, and there doesn’t even have to be a reason for it. “WHY???? Because I can. And this is just the tip of the iceberg! I’m so sick of people that use me and my family, people with NO talent calling people out who work harder than them, and just people who have a dumbass attitude to begin with.” Well, Brooke, do you want to know who the real dumbass in all of this is…? Someone who still uses MySpace… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Fuck, man… I thought it was going to be a slow day, but this is like fuckin’ Christmas.
Rihanna is under investigation by the New York City Health Department for allegedly tattooing three tattoo artists in their own tattoo parlor with umbrellas and the letter R. According to the City’s Health Code, only licensed tattoo artists can administer tattoos in the city… and guess who doesn’t have a 
license to tattoo people…? Damn, you’re good at this game. Rihanna could be hit with three misdemeanors for the offense if she is found to have violated the law, with fines of $300, $500, and $1000 for each case. I guess she should have just beat the shit out of each and every one of those artists, as well as any customers they may have had, any passers-by on the street, a couple of homeless guys, and maybe a stray dog or two instead… after all, she would have gotten off lighter, especially if using a passenger window from a car or maybe the dashboard to do the damage, than she will just by doing this. Let this be a lesson to all you kids out there. Tattooing without a license, bad. Public domestic violence, not so bad. At least we know the laws are serving their purposes in protecting us… and by us, I mean Chris Brown.
Finally, what’s a holiday without something Megan Fox. She’s been breaking my heart lately, but with a body and face and slutty tongue like that, it’s hard to stay mad. Recently, she did a cover interview to promote the suckfest known widely as “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” with Entertainment Weekly, in which she said, “I mean, I can’t shit on this movie because it did give me a career and open all these doors or me. But I don’t want to blow smoke up people’s ass. People are well aware that this is not a movie about acting.” Well, at least she was honest about what a piece of shit it was to begin with. Too bad no one took 
her seriously before they plunked down $200 million to find out for ourselves. At least I can take comfort in the fact that I saw it for free. Director Michael Bay isn’t taking too kindly to her words though, telling the Wall Street Journal, “Well, that’s Megan Fox for you. She says some very ridiculous things because she’s 23 years old and she still has a lot of growing to do. You roll your eyes when you see statements like that and think, ‘Okay, Megan, you can do whatever you want. I got it.” I don’t know there, Michael Bay. Megan Fox looks pretty grown up to me. My wang gets all grown up anytime he sees her, so that should be about as decisive a verdict as needed for that one. On the other hand, all of your movies seem to be about the same… quick cuts in the edit, lots of explosions, lots of special effects, mindless action, undeveloped characters, and marginal plots… hmmm… who is the one who has a lot of growing to do again…?
He didn’t stop there though, adding, “Nick Cage wasn’t a big actor when I cast him, nor was Ben Affleck before I put him in ‘Armageddon.’ Shia LeBeouf wasn’t a big movie star before he did ‘Transformers’ – and then he exploded. Not to mention Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, from ‘Bad Boys.’ Nobody in the world knew about Megan Fox until I found her and put her in ‘Transformers.’ I like to 
think that I’ve had some luck in building actors’ careers with my films.” That was cold, man. I don’t care what she said. It’s not called for to ever compare anyone’s career with Nicolas Cage’s or Ben Affleck’s or Martin Lawrence’s. That’s fucked-up right there. When’s the last time any of those guys made a movie that was good, let alone watchable? That’s right… if you have to think that hard, it’s been too long. If anything, what The Kidd likes to think is that you’ve had some luck in discovering some shitty fuckin’ actors with your films that now we are stuck with now… all because of you, you shit head. Thanks a lot. “Ghost Rider,” “Knowing,” “Next,” “The Wicker Man,” “Jersey Girl,” “Gigli,” Daredevil,” “The Sum of All Fears,” “Pearl Harbor,” “National Security,” “Black Knight,” “Blue Streak,” “House Party 2,” well, at least I know who the fuck was to blame for all that shit. Thanks, Michael Bay. At first I thought you only plagued us with mediocre shitty movies. Now I know you are also responsible for mediocre shitty actors and their equally mediocre shitty careers. Get out, Megan Fox. Get out while you can… because if not, these are the names you’ll find yourself associated with. Fuck… I think I’d almost rather have sex with Renee Zellweger instead… almost. And it all comes full circle.
The Kidd was able to do a test run of Infamous Radio yesterday, running an hour-long broadcast of this long-awaited program to smooth out any kinks, bugs, wrinkles, and problems that might come up. However, I am happy to report that we can chalk it up to being a successful test, as we really experienced no issues that look to hold us back from moving forward with bringing you Infamous Radio on a regular basis. We have a few more preview episodes scheduled in the days and weeks ahead, so you can get ready to tune in and listen, starting with another test drive this coming Tuesday at 8:00 p.m. EST. Also, in honor of the 4th of July holiday, I have decided to leave yesterday’s show up for your listening enjoyment, so head on over to the Infamous Radio section of the site, and you’ll be able to check it out on the player. The original plan was to take it right down afterwards, but I am that happy with how things turned out that, in case you missed it, here’s your second chance to listen in and experience what Infamous Radio will be all about. I hope you enjoy.
Now go relax… take a break… and kick back for the holiday weekend. I’ve got some catching up to do… somebody get me a beer…
Until next week…
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