Unable to find any serious paying jobs as an actress, unless the studios reconsider her offer to work for shots, Lindsay Lohan appears to have taken her life in a new direction, by choosing an entirely different career path - jewel thief. The disappearance of a set of diamond earrings and a necklace valued at around $400,000 is under investigation by Scotland yard in London after it was reported missing following a photoshoot for Elle. The last person seen wearing
them...? Yep, you guessed it... Lindsay Lohan.
LiLo’s rep told People magazine, “We inquired and everyone from the shoot is being questioned... Lindsay hopes they find the jewels. She is happy to cooperate.” A spokesman for Elle U.K. released a statement as well, giving LiLo a vote of confidence that she’s not involved. “Elle has no reason to believe that Lindsay Lohan was in any way responsible and has no further comment to make.” However, to make things interesting, various insiders have heard from sources who claim LiLo had her eye on the jewels the entire time. “Lindsay kept going on about the jewels, asking if she could have them. We all thought she was joking!” This wouldn’t be the first time Lohan pulled out the five-finger discount to take something she wanted. Once during a previous Elle photoshoot, she hightailed it out of there with numerous Louis Vuitton samples, and, last May, was accused of stealing a fur coat from another party-goer at a private function after being photographed by paparazzi wearing it.
I thought you had to be smart to put together a heist like this. If I’ve learned anything from watching movies like “Ocean’s Eleven” and “Heat,” it’s that it is also pretty helpful if Val Kilmer as part of your crew. That guy’s a bad-ass. Sometimes I think people give too much credit to others for things they could never even accomplish in a million years. Does Lindsay Lohan look like the kind of person capable of pulling off a jewelry heist? I have a hard time believing Lindsay Lohan is capable of putting her panties on by herself, which probably explains why she goes commando a good portion of the time. She’s hardly the thieving bastard people might think she is right now. However, if she
did make off with the ice (I learned that from those movies, too), then good for her. If she was able to walk out the door with $400k worth of diamonds after blatantly talking about how badly she wanted them, because no one thought to keep a close eye on them or to actually take them away from her, then I have no sympathy here. I mean, this is Lindsay Lohan we’re talking about here. Why is anyone even scheduling her for photoshoots at this point to begin with? It’s not like she’s out there to promote anything. And, it’s never sexy to see emaciated women with their ribs pointing out at me. If it was, I would have my lotion and tissues out every time one of those “stop World Hunger” commercials come on. I might already, but, for the sake of argument here, let’s just pretend The Kidd doesn’t. And, in the off chance that Robert DeNiro taught her anything about doing a job, those rocks are long gone. I wouldn’t be surprised if she actually managed to snort them, thinking they were just large doses of uncut cocaine. Either that, or she traded them in for 16 cases of Red Bull and a strap-on. And whether you think she was right in taking them or not, Howie Mandel would even agree that she made a good deal.
The Kidd really didn’t care much about this whole David Letterman/Sarah Palin feud that’s been going on as of late. And it’s certainly not because I don’t like David Letterman. I used to watch his show all the time and have even attended a taping in his cold-ass theatre. It was more due to the fact that Sarah Palin is an idiot who is clearly too stupid to understand a simple joke. Anyway, Dave apologized saying, “I feel that I need to do the right thing here and apologize for having told that joke. It’s not your fault that it was misunderstood, it’s my fault that it was misunderstood.” All of this stemmed from a joke Letterman made about one of Palin’s daughters getting knocked up
by Alex Rodriguez during a Yankees game she attended. Palin claimed outrage, insisting the joke referred to her 14-year-old Willow who was the one at the game with her instead of her 18-year-old Bristol... you know, the fertile one with the baby. The Governor of Alaska finally relented, accepting Letterman’s apology in a statement “on behalf of all young women, like my daughters, who hope men who ‘joke’ about public displays of sexual exploitation of girls will soon evolve.” “Public displays of sexual exploitation”? Is that really how her one daughter’s kid was created? I just thought it was two kids in the middle of Alaska with nothing better to do. Apparently, they were doing it right in the town square... and charging money for it. Or were they recording it later to make some bank on the Bristol Palin sex tape? I’m really confused here as to what’s going on. Was she accepting an apology for her daughter who the joke wasnt even about, or was she taking this time to actually reveal that her other daughter is a bit of an exhibitionist slut with fertile eggs and a kinky imagination? That might make too much sense for someone who has foreign policy experience, because she can see Russia from her house. The Governor is right. there is nothing funny about jokes involving 14-year-olds having sex. However, it is absolutely hilarious when the joke involves an 18-year-old unwed mother who ignored her mother’s teaching of abstinence and got knocked up by a redneck. Wait... my tax dollars are going to go towards helping support that kid. That’s not so funny.
Teenagers are also stupid, so Sarah Palin is clearly coming across to the youth of America. If you need some kind of proof, just check out the nominations for the Teen Choice 2009 Awards. “Twilight” and its cast lead the way with 12 total nominations, including Best Drama, Best Romance, Best Actor: Drama, Best Actress: Drama, and several others. Still not convinced? “High School Music 3: Senior Year” had 10 nominations, the Jonas Brothers scored nine nods AND they are the hosts of the show. Oh, and the icing on the cake... “Paul Blart” was
nominated for something. Either kids continue to get that much dumber... or I am still getting that much smarter... or both. Yeah, let’s go with both.
A sequel to “Wanted” is in the works, and it looks like Angelina Jolie is a part of it. “Wanted” director Timur Bekmambetov is ready to get the ball rolling, recently confirming to a Russian website “in July we will start preparation for the film. I think in the late autumn or winter shooting will be performed. The shooting will take place in America, India, and Russia.” See... I can understand James McAvoy coming back. He has the main character. But I can’t get Angelina Jolie coming back, especially since her character is dead. The Kidd also has trouble wrapping my mind around the idea that anyone really needs to see a “Wanted” sequel. Did anyone really walk out of the first one dying to see more? It was okay, but, other than Morgan Freeman saying “motherfucker,” was there really anything special about it? Curved bullets? Big deal. I’ve been doing that since I was 12. Making out with Angelina Jolie? If you only knew how often that happens around here. The more I now think of it, the more “Wanted” seems to be based on my life, minus the Morgan Freeman expletives and the mediocrity, of course. Wow... sometimes my awesomeness even surprises me.
It looks like there’s no stopping it. “The Karate Kid” remake we all hate is moving forward as planned, with filming set to start next month. And it looks like the
movie is in such good shape, too, with the studio hiring a new writer to do some work on the script this close to shooting. It’s always a good sign when some last minute tweaks are being applied, since the script that was ready to go requires that much improvement. There’s no word on what changes are being made, but perhaps I can offer up some help. First, they should just drop the name “The Karate Kid” altogether, and then just take whatever they’re doing and put it in space... with ninjas... and definitely a giant octopus... and Natalie Portman naked. Now THAT is a movie I’d be interested in seeing. Where’s my notebook? It at least sounds much more interesting than trying to spin-off some version of “The Karate Kid” without Ralph Macchio or those cool skeleton Halloween costumes. Yeah, you know the ones. Will someone please just get this one a body bag?
Until tomorrow...
Have a pleasant immediate future.
Peace.
