Therefore, congratulations are in order for Lindsay Lohan. Your toplessness has brought you back into The Kidd’s spotlight for two straight days now. Too bad it is for nothing that is entirely pleasing for me. First you’re pulling off scores for expensive jewelry collections and now this... a topless picture without any of the glory or excitement of an actual topless picture. Technically, you do have no top on. There is no shirt, no bra, no clothing of any sorts preventing us from seeing your freckly bosom. However, then you just have to ruin it by dropping your hair over everything there is to see. Even your pants are low enough to tease us that you might have some snatch to show us, but not quite low enough. In fact, the more I look at this picture, the more I realize there is no redeeming quality about it at all, unless I got aroused by the appearance of your belly button. What do you say, penis? Belly buttons? That’s what I figured... no dice.

LiLo claimed this was an old picture from behind the scenes of her commercial shoot for Fornarina on her Twitter, which is where she initially posted it up for all of us to see. Apparently it was all just one big joke though, because you know those Lohans... if there’s anything that gets a good laugh these days, it’s almost-nudity that is purposely released. “Haha- the photo of me for FORNARINA in THE TRAILER was sent by my sister as a PRANK.” A prank? Wow, that was a good one. I can’t wait to see how Lindsay gets Ali back. I can’t wait to see how hilarious it is when her sister gets those pictures posted of her in a handbra and a slutty thong doing keg stands. HAHAHAHAHAHA.... what? Oh, she’s only 15...? That’s not funny.

That takes us to the fake blowjob. As crazy as it sounds, there are photos making their way around the internets of Miley Cyrus giving head to some faceless penis. I guess we can assume it’s one of the Jonai or the underwear guy or her dad or whoever, but come on... It really takes someone with a lot of time on their hands and no life whatsoever to put together and leak a fake oral sex picture of Miley Cyrus polishing some dude’s knob. It also takes some tremendous Photoshop skills as well, so let’s give a little bit of credit where it’s due. But, we are talking about a 16-year-old girl here, so it’s definitely wrong for people to be scoping these out. That’s of course why I had one of my dirtier friends take a peek and describe it to me, while I turned the other way. The picture was clearly a fake, with aspects stolen from other photos and edited together to make it look like Miley was giving smooches to some dude’s wang, so if you manage to lay your eyes on this one, don’t get too excited or, on the other hand, all types of outraged. It isn’t real. It didn’t happen. There is really nothing to see here. Plus, we all know that Miley Cyrus wouldn’t do something like that - suck some guy’s dick and take pictures of it, so it can show up on the world wide web. Now, Hannah Montana might be a different story altogether. After all, that chick is a rock star, so there’s no telling what she’s capable of.

The cover of next month’s Playboy was revealed yesterday on G4, since it features Olivia Munn of “Attack of the Show.” Normally that might be something to get excited about as Olivia Munn is a hottie who christens new electronics by licking them and plays video games. You can clearly see why she is so popular with the nerds-who-still-live-with-their-parents crowd. But her pictorial in Playboy is clothed. That’s right. She’s be featured in the magazine with a layout, but, in it, she’ll be wearing bikinis and lingerie and fuckin’ winter coats and long pants for all we know. Seriously, Hef, what the fuck is going on here? Playboy is meant to see naked women, not women who you’d like to see naked wearing little amounts of clothes. That’s what Maxim and the rest of those other magazines are for. If you want to be like them, that’s fine. Just tell me, so I don’t waste my money hoping to see something I can look at a million other places for much less than your cover price. Should I really care about seeing Olivia Munn on your pages in the same way I can see her just about any other day, wearing clothes. You created this slippery slope for yourselves. It started with allowing certain people to not have to reveal their vagina to the world, and now you allow them to not have to show anything. That’s no kind of Playboy I want to look at. Oh, Playboy... how the mighty has fallen. When I can see more cooch from Paris Hilton getting out of her car than I can in one of your pictorials, it is a sad, sad day for America... and for those who are chronically depressed. They’re always sad, and now we know why. Their blood is on your hands, Playboy... and you, too, Olivia Munn... you are your too-good-to-show boobs. I hope you’re all happy.

Megan Fox is still doing press for “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen,” having stopped in London to give those wankers a taste of some bloody robots. And I’ve really got to say I’m kinda disappointed in her. I know, I know. Some of you are going to come right out and say that you told me so, that she’s been a bitch this whole time. And maybe you’re right. I don’t think I am willing to go that far, but I will acknowledge that she is a dreamkiller. While being rushed around from event to event, at one point she was approached by a fan. Now, from the looks of it, I can’t even be sure if this fan is a man or a woman or some semblance of both. What I can tell is that it’s in desperate need of a hair stylist, likes to eat, and has boobs, so draw your own conclusions. However, this fan is reaching out with a rose, a gesture made specifically for Megan Fox, and they got snubbed badly. No acknowledgement. No acceptance of the gift. Not even a “get out of the way, fatty.” Nothing. Instead it gets blocked out by security, and you can bet the opening weekend of the “Transformers” sequel is going to take a hit now without that person’s 10 bucks. I hate to do this, but I’ve got to call you out on your ignoring of the fans, Megan Fox. This ladyboy clearly and desperately wanted some level of interaction with you. They probably saved up all of their snack money for days, so they could buy you one single flower, as a token of their fandom for you. And all they wanted was a moment of your time, for you to take the very special thing they had just for you, so that they could remember for the rest of their life that they met Megan Fox and were actually able to present her with a gift. Instead, this person is left heartbroken, with their hopes crushed with the reality that Megan Fox doesn’t even know you exist. All of their masturbatory fantasies are now dead. Their love of her is gone. Their world is over. Oh well... it’s a small price to pay for a great shot of her and her breasts looking fantastic. Sorry, Fatty, but your pain is our pleasure... now go eat your feelings.

OK! Magazine has a poll up, asking just who has the best body in Hollywood, as if it should really be some sort of competition. Your choices are Eva Longoria, Kate Beckinsdale, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Lopez, Britney, Megan Fox, Rihanna, Evangeline Lilly, Kim Kardashian, and Jessica Biel. I only know this because Kim Kardashian’s ass was slamming its cheeks on the keyboard on Twitter, begging for votes. However, this isn’t even a close one for The Kidd. In fact, it’s a no-brainer. If Jessica Biel doesn’t win this contest, then there is something seriously wrong. Have you seen this chick? She brings out the gun show every day, she can probably benchpress a Volkswagen, and I’m pretty sure her ass can crush walnuts, if not human skulls. I’d be afraid to put anything near her buttocks in fear that the object might be pulverized into dust.

In an interview with the BBC, Shia LeBeouf revealed that a 5th Indiana Jones movie looks to be a go. “Steven just said that he cracked a story on it before I left, and, uh, I think they’re gearin’ that up.” Under normal circumstances, I might be excited about the prospect of another Indiana Jones, but then I remember getting psyched about that once before. I also remember that they had 19 years to get that one right, and what we wound up getting was some aliens and the Beouf swinging through the jungle with a bunch of monkeys, so you can understand my lack of enthusiasm. I’m not saying seeing Harrison Ford in action as Indy for another go-round is a bad idea. It’s just that, as things are presently made up, it’s not a very good one for two main reasons: Shia LeBeouf and George Lucas. George Lucas might just be the anti-Christ as far as I’m concerned. While I won’t go so far as some in saying he “raped my childhood,” I will say that the man has single-handedly managed to ruin both “Star Wars” and Indiana Jones in one lifetime. Now that’s fuckin’ impressive. As for The Beouf, he didn’t really add anything to “Indiana Jones and the Longest Friggin’ Title Ever.” But now we’re stuck with him, because Indy’s married, and that’s his kid. Ooops... spoiler alert. If we can get rid of the both of them, that’s fine with me. If I have to live with The Beouf for another movie, that is not a spinoff of his own character, that has Harrison Ford sporting the fedora and cracking the whip one more time, then so be it. But there has to be a way to get rid of George Lucas and his green screens and his shitty dialogue and his fuckin’ beard. There just has to be.

Finally, Sean Penn is taking a break from movies, deciding to step back from Hollywood in order to spend more time with his family. Unfortunately, that means one of the biggest casualties in his choice is the planned Three Stooges movie set to take place with Penn signed on as Larry. The Farrelly Brothers has planned on a late August start with Jim Carrey as Curly and Benicio Del Toro as Larry ready to go, so this is going to take some maneuvering in order to get this slot recast to meet MGM’s planned 2010 release date. We already saw Penn in the hairstyle in “Carlito’s Way” to think he might have looked the part, but who is going to fill his Oscar-winning shoes on this project now? Who do you think should be slated to play the new version of Larry in the new version of the Three Stooges?