The Kidd is shocked, stunned, speechless (okay, let’s not go too far here). But I am literally amazed at what seems to be happening around here these days. As we all know, Megan Fox is hot... smokin’ hot... scorching hot... the kind of hot that makes your penis burn if it comes too close to her without proper protection (no, she does not have herpes... at least I don’t think so. Hmmm... I’d better get checked out). I know how ridiculously attractive she is. You know how ridiculously attractive she is. Even that little man-child with the rose nobody wants knows how ridiculously attractive she is. In fact, the only one right now who seems to not realize how hot Megan Fox is... is Megan Fox. I mean, does she not understand that she’s fuckin’ Megan Fox...? Because how else do you explain her possible romances with either the 90210 has-been Brian Austin Green or now

The Beouf? Are you kidding me...? Shia LeBeouf may be together with Megan Fox...? Oh, just fuckin’ kill me now, will you please?

The NY Daily News is at it again, reporting that the two were seen in close company at a dinner last week. sitting side by side at the restaurant during a meal with 10 friends. A witness told the paper, “They definitely seemed into each other,’ and that when Megan Fox bolted the get-together, Shia was right there with her. They were also reported to be partying it up as a pair even before that, with another dream-killing witness saying, “Shia couldn’t keep his eyes off of Megan: He literally watched her like a hawk all night.” Okay, so obviously we have two liars here who are merely trying to hurt me with false stories of Megan Fox and The Beouf getting all comfy-cozy. What...? There’s more...?

OK! Magazine reports that Megan Fox was in Vegas over the weekend, spotted on a date with Brian Austin Green. A witness told that horseshit publication, “Megan and Brian are definitely together. They call each other baby and are just so cute together. I don’t think they ever really broke up. They’re so comfortable and ridiculously cute. In the elevator Megan put on chapstick with her finger and then put the rest from her finger on his lips. They seem so happy together and so in love.” What the fuck...?! Is there a conspiracy of assholes running around the United States with some master plan to steal some of the joy in my life, little by little with each passing day?! WHAT... THE... FUCK...?!

Megan Fox hates herself or something... she just doesn’t understand the

immense power that she wields... that she has set her options between these two? Are there no better options out there in the world (**cough**me**cough**) that this is the best she thinks she can do? This chick has broken up and gotten back together with Brian Austin Green more times than I did with my high school girlfriend, and that was a fuckin’ lot. And, if experience has taught me anything, it’s that those relationships are inherently flawed and should not continue... but apparently they just love torturing themselves with those whole love/hate thing, so whatever. Then there’s The Beouf, who is just... come on, it’s The Beouf. It’s bad enough they wanted me to believe this shit over the course of two “Transformers” movies, but now it is just intruding upon my reality. That’s fucked-up. Just put a fuckin’ bullet in my eye, because, as far as I’m concerned, a world where the ultra-hot Megan Fox settles for one of these two dorks (that’s right... I said “dorks”) is one not worth... oh, man... they probably have sex, too, don’t they...? Brian Austin Green has seen Megan Fox naked... Shia LeBeouf has been beoufing that pussy. That’s it. I give up. Hope is dead. How can I jerk off to someone who’s been nailing David Silver and someone who thought making “Eagle Eye” was a good idea? That’s right. I can’t. Sorry, penis. I guess this is the end of the road for us. It’s been real... it’s been fun... it’s... Anna Kournikova is up next...? Well, then it’s time for a new start. Onto better things then, shall we?

Anna Kournikova has been a missing woman recently. Seriously... where the fuck has she been...? She retired from the world of tennis a few years ago, because, while she was amazing to look at in those skirts, she was a bit on the sucky side. On top of that, she wanted to get more into the modeling she was already doing

a lot of at that point in time and probably some other stuff. Now whether or not she was able to follow through on any of that, who knows, but what The Kidd does know is that I cannot recall the last time he’s seen Anna Kournikova in recent memory, and that’s just sad. However, there is some good news to all of this... apparently Anna Kournikova traded in the sport of tennis to move onto another far more challenging and, frankly, less boring sports circuit - CATFIGHTING!!! Oh, man... where can I score me some tickets to that?

The New York Post reports that the former tennis goddess was out in Vegas having herself a good time, when an unidentified woman sitting at the next table “threw a drink at Anna. She felt Anna was invading her space,” according to their sources. Things heated up between the two women, and then CATFIGHT!!! Kournikova started pushing and shoving... the woman started scratching. You just know there had to be some hair-pulling and clothes-ripping going on somewhere in the melee... and while this other chick couldn’t be anywhere near as hot as Anna, you just know they got so into it that they started making out and it led to some wild and crazy sex. Well, that’s what my witness, namely my oversexed mind who wasn’t even there, tells me, and I am more likely to believe him than any of these alleged “insiders.”

I sense a business opportunity here, since who wouldn’t want to see Anna Kournikova clawing and scratching and rolling around with other hot chicks. World Catfighting Federation, anyone? I’m available for meetings, investors. Let’s make it happen... and by making it happen, I mean, let’s have you cut me a check so I can pay rent, and the rest we’ll figure out later. If that’s not a winning business model and game plan, then my name’s not Steve... ssshhh... they don’t need to know my name’s The Infamous Billy The Kidd... oh, damn... now look what you made me do. It’s all ruined. Fuck... back to the drawing board...

Michael Jackson’s body will receive a public viewing on Friday at his former home, Neverland ranch, so fans of the “King of Pop” can pay their final respects. I wonder if the ferris wheel will be open. No...? Why not? I can’t see anything else that might raise some of these sad souls’ spirits during such a difficult time than a spin on a dangerous carnival ride that could fall apart plunging everyone to their death at any moment? What about the petting zoo then? We haven’t seen Bubbles the chimp or those llamas in awhile, so that might be nice. No on that one, too, huh? What about fireworks, you know... since it’s on 4th of July weekend...? Geez... what a fuckin’ downer this thing is going to be... Balloons...  a dancing cowboy... a bounce house... Something? No wonder I hadn’t played on going. This sounds like the worst funeral/memorial service ever.

Lindsay Lohan might just be a genius, as she was reportedly paid $70,000 for her swimsuit birthday party on a day that wasn’t even her birthday. Page Six reports that the event was a promotion for her Sevyn Nine self-tanning mist, and

that she changed bathing suits like five times before finally settling on some club gear. None of her close friends were there. Her she-male ex-boygirlfriend wasn’t there. It was her, and her product, and a bunch of people who just wanted to hang out by the pool and maybe see an undrunk Lindsay Lohan. Man, how does she do it? I’m lucky if I can get a free piece of cake at the Olive Garden on one of those days I pretend it’s my birthday, and LiLo is pulling down $70 grand. Do you realize how ridiculous that sounds? Someone paid her that much money to celebrate a birthday that she wasn’t even having. Someone get my manager on the phone. I’ve got a birthday I can fake having sometime in late August. Let’s field some offers. A case of beer and some pretzel rods is the best we can do...? Fuck... we really ripped those poor bastards off. I would have settled for stale nachos. SUCKERS!!!

In all seriousness though, Lindsay Lohan might just be smarter than we could ever possibly believe a sometimes coked-up, usually drunk, Red Bull addict could be. And she works damn hard to make sure we never catch on either. She recently told the British edition of OK! Magazine, “It’s not that hard to be me, but I do work harder than most of my friends’ parents. I’m a workaholic. I don’t know what to do when I’m not working. I get creatively frustrated. I am the hardest-working person I know.” Wow, she’s incredible. All this time we thought she was unemployable due to the fact that she is fucked-up just about every second of every day, but really she’s working hard. At what...? I have no idea. But I’m pretty sure it has something to do with making sure she doesn’t work again.

Sorry for the late blog again. Sometimes life just turns busy and hectic.

Until tomorrow...