Courtney Love Is Definitely A Zombie
Sorry for the unannounced lack of blog yesterday. The Kidd was experiencing some technical difficulties over here at Infamous Headquarters, and the inability to get the lair back online and running in a timely fashion, mixed in with the tragic loss of Michael Jackson, forced my writings to be absent from your day yesterday. Right now, I am working on writing up something special to remember and pay tribute to the “King of Pop,” and considering that should be something that stands on its own for your reading consumption, you’re going to get two entries to send you off into the weekend. Consider this one a Best Of in a way, as this will hit up some of the best stories i covered over the past day or two from my guest blogging stint over at Celebrity Smack!, where I tore their shit up for the last week. If you were too lazy to click the link and check out what The Kidd has been writing there for the last couple of days, then this is a fresh take for all of you. For those of you who were supportive enough to get over there and check out my first venture outside of this home base, then consider these reruns that you can relive over and over and over, once again enjoying their greatness.
If Kurt Cobain knew it would end up like this, he would have shot himself in the 
face sooner…
What…? Too soon…? Come on, it’s been like 15 years already.
Okay… he would have shot her in the face…? Better…?
At least we now know that it is possible for zombies to walk amongst us. Now will someone remove her head or destroy her brain, because just looking at her is freaking me out? And just because The Kidd is a nice guy, we’ll put on a Hole CD while we do it… ya know, out of respect for the dead.
“I am… doll eyes…”
Quick… grab me that chainsaw…
Oh, man… you’ve gotta love your Twitter. Adam Shankman, director/producer of the upcoming movie THE LAST SONG, thought it was necessary to tweet some behind-the-scenes pictures of one of his stars Miley Cyrus.
“Miley is a sweet angel who works tirelessly and endlessly, and is allowed to have fun in the make up room! Seriously! Lighten up or no more behind the scenes pics! She’s like my angel little sister.”
I don’t know about you, but the fact that Miley Cyrus is only 16 makes these just a little creepy. Wait… what…? The age of consent is 16… oh… well, nevermind 
then. Enjoy your casting couch adventures, Adam Shankman. More power to you. Let’s just make sure the pictures you post are of girls 18+ from now on. After all, the rest of us don’t want to get in trouble with the FBI.
But, with the way Miley Cyrus hopped up there on that chair like she is about to get it hit from behind, I don’t know how any of you can possibly call into question her virginity. With the ability to position herself like that, there is no way she has ever had sex in her whole life. Impossible. I mean, clearly she is pure and innocent. There are absolutely no indications that she is about to spank herself or is preparing for a gang bang. I just don’t know where some of you come up with this stuff. Don’t you know anything about teenage girls? They all sit backwards on chairs like that, with their backs arched, their asses in the air, and hair draped all across their face. That’s the new style.
All The Kidd knows is that if that’s the kind of fun that goes on in the make up room, I need to find me a make up room… quickly… as in now. Oh, sweet angels, I’m coming…
Seriously though, what’s really the big deal? Let the poor girl have a little fun, and, by that, I mean… HAVE SOME FUN, ya know what I’m saying… **wink wink**
Michelle Pfeiffer is still hot. For an actress that is now 51, I’d still do her about as much as I would have when she was in her 20’s, 30’s, and 40’s… not while she was making GREASE 2 though. I’ve got to have standards. However, 
every few weeks I get to thinking about her in that Catwoman outfit, one thing leads to another, and… well, you know where this is going.
Pfeiffer was recently interviewed by Moviefone about her starring role in the upcoming film CHERI. During her questioning, she was asked how, after all these years, does she still looking so amazingly hot… what are her secrets to aging that well?
“Well, the truth is that when I’m doing press and when I’m making movies, I am super disciplined. I eat really well, I make sure I get enough sleep, I exercise religiously — and all of that really matters … And I have a whole team, so it’s not really fair. It’s not real [laughs]. I couldn’t keep this up everyday of my life, nor would I want to, because life would be really boring. But, ultimately it’s you are what you eat and you have to exercise. It’s really simple stuff, and it’s stuff that people don’t really want to know about … It’s not about the newest, latest diet, the newest fad. It’s not about some cream you put on your face. It’s really about what you eat. I’m a big believer in that. And I’m a really happy person, I enjoy life. I think you see that on people. I think there’s nothing more aging than misery.”
I knew it, I knew it. You are what you eat. That’s why after that guy called me a pussy that one time, it’s been a steady diet of it ever since. What…? I was going to say vagina, but it just sounded way too medical. It’s a good thing I exercise well, too. How much do I bench? How am I supposed to know? I was talking more about writing this blog. What… do you think all of these entries are just going to write themselves, smartass?
It looks like The Kidd’s been doing it the right way all along, so I have nothing to worry about. I’m gonna live forever… like FAME… except without the singing. Okay, maybe some singing… but definitely no dancing.
“I’m gonna learn how to fly… HIGH!!!”
Enough with all of these pointless debates about which is better: Aliens or Predators, ninjas or pirates, strippers or… well, nothing is better than strippers. It is finally time to get down to something far more meaningful: TRUE BLOOD or TWILIGHT.
Now, you’re probably asking yourself – do I really care? And the answer is 
definitely not. However, in the interest of seeing a bunch of teenage girls who live, breathe, and obsess over everything TWILIGHT, let’s run with it.
In an interview with Marie Claire, the star of TRUE BLOOD Stephen Moyer threw down the gauntlet on this pointless vampire comparison, and gave a pretty indication as to who he thinks is awesome and who is not when you put him up around Robert Pattinson.
“He’s a pussy! He’s the Slim-Fast, Diet Coke of vampires.”
Wow… them be fightin’ words. Of course after hearing this, TWILIGHT fans ran into their rooms crying hysterically about how someone could talk about Edward like that, before their parents told them to shut up and go to sleep, because they had school in the morning.
It looks like Team True Blood is joining the mix for supernatural supremacy, and who can blame them? They’re on HBO, and they show Anna Paquin naked just about every episode. In my book, that’s an automatic win over a boring series of movies with uninteresting characters and awful actors that follow a story where nothing ever happens.
TRUE BLOOD 1, TWILIGHT 0.
You can go back to crying now, TWILIGHT fans.. oh, and overeating, too. Let’s not forget that important part of your day.
You’ve got to hand it to some of these corporations out there. They have found a golden opportunity to take advantage of these sad and pathetic TWILIGHT fans who will spend all of their money on anything with the TWILIGHT name on it, no 
matter what it is (come on… how else do you explain people actually owning that movie on DVD, especially after seeing it in a theatre… it sucked BADLY).
Mattel is joining in on the fray, because they like money, and will soon begin selling TWILIGHT Barbie, with an Edward Cullen “Ken” doll and a Bella Swan “Barbie” doll leading the way. The Edward doll will feature a shimmering complexion and trademark gold eyes while the Bella doll will just be pale. Either way, these plastic figures are about as lifelike and charismatic as the actors who played these characters in the movies to begin with, so I guess you’ve got to hand it to Mattel for their accuracy. Now, if only they could make me fall asleep quickly much like the movie did, I wouldn’t need to drink all of that vodka late at night to help me fall asleep… just some of it.
Obviously Mattel was short-sighted in their vision for this new product line, but, since they don’t ship until November 27, let The Kidd offer up a bit of advice. Make the Edward doll vibrate. I mean, you just know this is the closest some of these TWILIGHT fans are going to come to getting laid, so you might as well help them out, since you know they are sticking that doll in places it shouldn’t be anyway. And, for you guys that are really into TWILIGHT… please be safe, and lube it up. No one wants to go to the emergency room with a doll stuck in their ass. Not like I would know or anything… I’ve just… I’ve heard things.
As for the Bella doll… well, no one’s buying that… at least no one that doesn’t have issues to begin with, in which case, the fact that they want to make two plastic dolls have doll sex is the least of our worries about them. But, it needs no special features or extra add-ons. It’s like anyone is going to try doing anything inappropriate with it, because if you have any desire to have sex with Kristen Stewart, well… there is nothing funnier I could possibly say than the fact that you actually want to have sex with Kristen Stewart.
By the way, Mattel, you know where to send the check for my services. Nice doing business with you again.
Shia LeBeouf doesn’t need to go out on the town looking for poon. That’s for amateurs. Instead he just shows up on TODAY to promote something, anything, and they just hand him over some desperate fan that will satisfy his every desire… hope she’s familiar with Two Girls, One Cup…
After a brief segment where the big fan Samantha asks Matt Lauer if Shia can come outside, The Beouf sat down with Meredith Viera to promote his latest movie TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN. However, the talk quickly turned to Samantha, who The Beouf said he liked a lot and thought was a real special 
person. The host of WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE not named Regis then arranged for the girl to bring coffee to the set and deliver it to her dreamboat.
The Beouf then started to work his slick Hollywood moves, telling her she looked great. “I’ve been planning this all week! I bought this… I can’t believe this!” They arranged for the girl to take a seat and even allowed her to ask LeBeouf a question – “What kind of girls are you interested in?”
“All kinds… seriously, being honest with you… I don’t have a specific.”
Then clearly following the journalistic integrity of TODAY’s hosts, she asked the follow-up, “Do you have a girlfriend?”
“No,” pointed out The Beouf. “What’re you doing the rest of the day? My day is boring.”
Samantha revealed that she was there with her four friends, and Shia wanted them to “round up the troops already,” and Samantha’s dream orgy with The Beouf was born.
I’m not saying that the girl was ugly… she was definitely cute, and with some serious alcohol consumption, she might have looked like a blurry Megan Fox… okay, that’s a stretch. Probably more like a blurry girl that you’d look up for a booty call when no one else will answer your calls. But, hey… beggars can’t be choosers, and, when the chance to nail five fans at the same time occurs, you should take advantage of it.
High-fives all around from me, Shia… no, wait… I hate high-fives. Handshakes and terrorist fist jabs instead then, as you used your fame for the powers of good, to screw a handful of your average-looking fans… ain’t nothing wrong with that. I understand completely where you’re coming from. You use someone else’s TV… I use a blog… we should totally hang out sometime and trade secrets. And, ladies, you know how to reach me.
Finally, I know there will be many of you that head out this weekend to see TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN. $60 million worth of you already made sure to see it on opening day, good enough for second all-time behind only THE DARK KNIGHT. I know you want to see robots fighting robots, and big explosions, and Megan Fox, and the whole she-bang. However, before you make the decision to plunk down 10 bucks to see what you think is going to be awesome, read up on “The Kidd Vs. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” (beware some spoilers). It might just change your mind and help save you from some disappointment…. or you might like the fact that some of your giant robots actually have balls… yes, testicles. Don’t believe me…? I guess you’ll just have to see for yourself then.
Until next week…
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