Denise Richards Might Just Screw You
The Kidd honestly cannot remember the last time Denise Richards was relevant. Maybe it was right around the time she took off her top in “Wild Things” and made out with Neve Campbell, or… no, that was definitely it. I mean, she was in a James Bond movie, too, but Denise Richards as a nuclear physicist…? That’s just ridiculous. Lately, she was in this nasty divorce with Charlie Sheen and has some reality show, but once again, I don’t care, since it’s Denise Richards. However, when she’s not being crazy, she’s still pretty hot, and, when hot chicks say something hot, The Kidd takes notice. So, when Denise Richards was interviewed by Access Hollywood, well, I really didn’t even know, because anyone who 
actually watches Access Hollywood should be ashamed of themselves. However, I later came across an account of their talk, and learned that, if you’re lucky, and in the right place at the right time, Denise Richards might just screw you.
Interview Billy Bush started off by commenting to Richards, ” I interview Angelina Jolie years ago… she was single… and I asked, ‘What do you do about guys – you’ve got Maddox?’… and she said, ‘I don’t want anybody in my life right now… but I do occasionally take some time off, a few hours, and go to a hotel, take a lover.” Richards responsed by saying, “Yep, I’m right there with her. ‘Cause you don’t want to bring them home to your house, but as a woman who like to have a good time as well, (and) has certain needs… Yeah, I do the same thing.” When she was asked if she had a “friend with benefits,” Richards answered, “Yes I do. Friends with benefits are awesome. I used to be like ‘Oh no, you have to be in a relationship!’ After going through a divorce, going through all this, I’m like, ‘Life is short, I wanna have a good time!’ When I meet ‘the one,’ I’ll be with him and it’ll be all good, but until then, you know, I like to have a good time.” So basically, Denise Richards is coming right out to let you all know that neither divorce, lack of a career, Charlie Sheen, nor her big breasts will get in the way of her love for the cock. She wants to have a good time with the cock. She has certain needs that can only be met by the cock. And she doesn’t want your ass hanging around in any type of relationship, because all she really wants is your cock. You might not be “the one,” but that’s okay… she is only interested in your cock. You might smell like rotting ass and eat moldy cheeseburgers. Denise Richards doesn’t care, because, if you’ve got the cock, then she’s got the time. Sounds like a sweet deal to me. Here’s a chance to have sex with a hot chick, and there are no 
strings attached. What is there, like a line or something…? Do you have to get on a waiting list, or sign up for one of those trial magazine subscriptions, or do you just take a number from that red dispenser like at the deli or something? If the Kidd wasn’t married, I’d be trying to figure out the protocols and procedures for getting under consideration by Denise Richards. There’s gotta be some kind of rules for this type of opportunity. But, if you’re out there looking for hot, meaningless sex, keep your eyes open for Denise Richards in your immediate area, because you never know. You’ve got just as good a shot as anyone, provided you’re sporting a wang these days. And, while you’re at it, you’d better make sure to send over a Thank You card to Charlie Sheen, who none of this would have been possible without. It’d be the classy thing to do.
On top of that though, I just can’t knock the image from my head of Denise Richards and Angelina Jolie heading to some sleazy, pay-by-the-hour hotel to get it on. I mean, it’d be hot if they were going together… of course, my penis might just explode if that really happened, since I’ve seen that scene in “Wild Things” like a billion times. However, I’ll settle for them one at a time. I mean, Angelina Jolie is sexy enough as it is, but Angelina Jolie naked in a heart-shaped tub as she gets ready for wild and crazy sex on a dirty mattress with jizz-stained sheets and cockroaches running around… Oh, man. I almost had myself until I brought up the cockroaches. Okay, scratch the bugs, and it sounds pretty 
romantic to me. Damn… I wish I would have thought of this sooner. This should have definitely been my honeymoon.
Eva Longoria Parker has an ass, and it is extremely nice and incredible. That is all.
Fox might just be the shit hole of TV. Whether it’s their news channel, their reality channel, their sports channel, or just the regular network, Fox seems to be the dumping ground for awful television programming. With the exception of “24″ and probably one other decent show that isn’t even important enough for The Kidd to remember, the rest of it is absolute garbage. I’ve seen more redeeming quality in dog shit than I do on what Fox normally decides to air, and it’s only going to get worse. They are now developing a show titled “I Married A Stranger,” a reality show where brides-to-be won’t meet their new husbands until they exchange vows. According to the Hollywood Reporter, the premise of the show is that a woman frustrated by the dating scene agrees to wed a man she’s never met. While she prepares for her blind wedding, friends and family select a spouse from a pool of six eligible suitors offered by the show’s producers. The men are eliminated one by one until only two candidates remain. Both finalists walk down the aisle, but only one makes it to the altar to reveal himself to his new wife, with neither meeting the other until the actual moment they say “I do.” After the wedding, footage will be shown from their honeymoon and then a segment will be shown from a couple of months later, updating viewers on how the relationship is going. Oh, and each week, there will be a new marriage.
I’m not completely sold on the show as it is. I think they should actually rename it a bit to something more along the lines of “I Married An Asshole.” Seriously, are people so desperate to find someone to marry that they’ll literally just marry anyone? Look, for all this sanctity of marriage talk over the years, I don’t want to hear any more of that bullshit fuckin’ argument when people are going on television to get married to complete and total strangers. I know people get sad and desperate to find someone to spend the rest of their lives with, but have some standards to how low you are willing to go to make that happen. If you attempt to get on this show, you deserve whatever you get. I hope the season premiere has some lady getting hitched to a midget tranny with a fake leg and a bed-wetting problem. You didn’t expect that…? Well, what did you expect knowing that you were marrying a fuckin’ stranger? Where’s that stupid Miss California now to speak about her marriage beliefs? I know that she is all about marriage 
being between a man and woman, but what if the man and the woman have never met before and don’t even know each other’s fuckin’ names? Is that okay? Does that go along with your moral belief, Carrie Prejean, you fuckin’ idiot? I can only hope this all goes down in California, because it’s almost too ironic for the state that voted for Prop. 8 to ban gay marriage to instead allow two random-ass people to join together in matrimony. What a bunch of assholes.
Christina Ricci is single again, having called off her engagement to Owen Benjamin, whoever the fuck that guy is. So for all of you out there who, like me, got aroused watching “The Addams Family,” you’d better step up your game, because here’s your chance. Yeah, I know she was 11 then, but I was 11, too, so what’s your point? Like you didn’t hump your pillow at that age thinking it was Wednesday Addams…? Oh, you didn’t…? Fine, she was in “Speed Racer,” too. Is that less creepy enough for you? Good.
I really don’t have too much to say about the death of David Carradine yesterday, as there is still a lot of uncertainty as to what actually happened, so 
let’s just let the whole investigation play out. I will, however, say that he was excellent walking the earth, meeting people, and getting into adventures on the “Kung Fu” series as well as in his role as Bill in Quentin Tarantino’s “Kill Bill.” So, for his wide range of performances, he will indeed be missed for his contributions to the world of acting. However, let me take just a moment here to talk to the kids. Let’s all try to learn a lesson from David Carradine. Don’t let anyone scare you into believing that sex is something risky or dangerous. If you use a condom, if you get the birth control working, sex can be very safe. But, if you have ropes tied around your neck and dick and maybe your hands, too, when you’re trying to get off, that’s where you can run into problems. Let Caine be an example of the line not to cross in order to get a splooge eruption.
In case you missed it, make sure to read “The Kidd Vs. The Hangover.” The new column just went up yesterday, and it just might help you make plans for the weekend if you’re undecided on what to do but in the mood to see a really funny comedy. It’s a pretty good one, and I hope you enjoy the review.
Until next week…
Have a pleasant immediate future.
Peace.
