Dumb Blonde Back On The Market
The Kidd was due for a late start today after quite a late night of making sure things get done and function properly for your entertainment. I managed to find my way into an early screening of “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” way before all of you Muggles who’ll be lined up for the midnight shows tonight, with your wands and your robes. And, as a result, I had to pass on some much-needed sleep to get you my review - The Kidd Vs. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince – so be sure to read it, enjoy it, and love it… or hate it… whatever. I hope to hear some of your thoughts on the movie there as more and more of you get to see it for yourself. With that said, let’s see what’s going on in the world today.
People magazine is reporting that Jessica Simpson is back out on the market, single and ready to mingle, having split with her longtime beau, quarterback Tony 
Romo. Oh, man… on the day before her 29th birthday, too. Damn… that’s some cold-ass shit right there. A source that spoke to the periodicial told the magazine, “She is heartbroken. She loves Tony. But it’s been difficult lately. He’s busy with his career and she’s getting ready to shoot her show. They decided to part ways.” Hmmm… she might have been heartbroken right when it happens, but clearly everyone is missing the silver lining in this whole situation. Jessica gets to eat cake… and lots of it. I mean, not only was it her birthday, which calls for cake, but she basically gets dumped right on it, which calls for more cake, and probably some ice cream, and maybe some pie. It’s okay, sweetie. Just go right ahead and eat your feelings, fat ass… I mean, Jessica.
They can say all they want about this break-up being about people focusing on their careers, but only complete and total idiots dump the ones that they truly love to focus on work. No, The Kidd thinks it probably has to do more with the fact that the only clothes around the house Jessica fit in anymore were Tony Romo’s jerseys… and even then, those were starting to get a bit snug in places. Well, that and the fact that it is extremely hard to date someone who is more hungry for potato salad than they are for your wang…. and putting potato salad on your wang to get them going… well, that’s just weird. Tingly, but weird.
It’s not like Jessica Simpson is unattractive. Scratch that… it’s not like Jessica 
Simpson didn’t used to be hot. She still has some massively ginormous breasts that could suffocate the life out of any hot dog vendor that stands in the way of her getting what she wants. And, for those extra special occasions, I’m sure she can still squeeze into those Daisy Duke shorts… of course, with the help of some PAM spray and a shitload of butter. She still has a very pretty face… and somewhere under her constant consumption of pork products, there probably still lurks a pretty sexy body. Therefore, Tony Romo’s loss can possibly be your gain, if you can put up with her weird father, and ugly sister, and the fact that, in one lifetime, she’s actually had sex with both Tony Romo and Nick Lachey. I know, sometimes there are just dealbreakers that can’t be overcome. However, if you can somehow manage to look past all of that in addition to the fact that she really might be as dumb as she appears to be, then this may be your big chance. Work your smooth magic… might want to offer up some smooth peanut butter, too, just to get on her good side… who knows what might happen for you. You might just find yourself in bed and in love with Jessica Simpson. Then, again you also might find yourself smothered dead if she likes being on top, but that’s the risk you take.
At least to Tony Romo’s credit, he chose to quit before the big day as opposed to on it. Am I right, Cowboys fans, huh? Oh, did I touch a sore spot…? Good. Go New York Giants!!! WOOOO!!!
The MTV Video Music Awards announced their host for the 2009 ceremony in mid-September, and once again, the rambling, awkward, and unfunny Russell Brand has gotten the nod. I guess I can already mark that down on my calendar as 
something I won’t be watching on that particular day, not unless I’m in the mood for a good old-fashioned train wreck. Plus, with the way MTV awards shows go these days, I don’t want to see them figure out some way to give those “Twilight” motherfuckers a music video award. In hearing the news of his hosting duties, it kept being repeated that his job last year was controversial, because he kept bringing up the Jonas Brothers’ purity rings. Now, I don’t know if that can be considered controversial really, but, if by controversial, what they really mean is that he sucked, then I can get behind that assessment 100%.
However, I don’t bring up Russell Brand hosting the VMAs as any particular big deal. I mean, how big of a deal can it be when the very channel that gives out these awards for music videos doesn’t even fuckin’ play music videos anymore. But this bit of information just happened to be a side note to where I was originally going, which is that a rejection by Russell Brand should be a new low point in the life of one of The Kidd’s old favorites.
The Sun has the story that Lindsay Lohan tried to hook up with this English dirtbag at Puff Daddy Diddy Combs and Ashton Kutcher’s 4th of July party… but was denied. A source told the paper, “Lindsay is a very good-looking girl and she is used to getting what she wants. Russell has been on her radar for a while now but he doesn’t want anything to do with her. He finds her constant craving 
for attention and her heavy drinking a turn-off. It’s not like he is short of female attention anyway.” Wow… I’m not sure which is more disturbing – the fact that there are ridiculous amounts of chicks that want to fuck Russell Brand, or… No, that’s it. There is no “or” here. I’m really not sure what could be more disturbing than that. I wasn’t aware of the massive amounts of females out there that are just craving what would amount to just pouring a jar full of herpes right into their vaginas. And, even further, THAT rejected Lindsay Lohan. That’s low. I mean, it’s this type of denial that will just send her off onto some coke-induced drinking binge that she normally would call Wednesday. I mean, you know you’ve hit rock bottom when someone equivalent to a homeless man won’t fuck you. And, from the looks of him, i wouldn’t be surprised if Russell Brand smelled like piss just the same. Perhaps this is the wake-up call that LiLo needs though. Perhaps this is what it will take for her to realize that she has fallen so far from glory… and beauty… that not even Russell Brand would touch her… and that she has been reduced to partying with Ashton Kutcher. Turn it around, Lindsay, because it can’t end like this. I mean, it can, but that would just be sad. And fuck Russell Brand… not literally, of course… that’d be dangerous. It’d actually be safer for me to hammer a nail through my cock with a sledgehammer. I wouldn’t seriously consider doing that, but if the choices were that, or fucking Russell Brand, I’d really have to weigh my options.
Ryan Seacrest is coming back to “American Idol.” Woohoo. That means two things: more Ryan Seacrest, and more “American Idol.” Wow. Could be day get any 
better? What’s that you say? He’s reupped his contract for another three years… and they’re going to pay him $15 million a year…? Are you fuckin’ kidding me?! They’re going to pay this guy $15 million bucks a year to give out a number to call and text and introduce pop star wannabes…? Did Ryan Seacrest make some kind of deal with the devil at some point in time…? Fuck that… did Ryan Seacrest actually suck the devil’s dick to land this kind of job that pays this kind of money…? What the fuck is going on here? I’m going to need a shotgun and a bottle of vodka… stat. Who’re they for? Does it really matter at this point? Ryan Seacrest is going to be making $15 million a year to be the host of “American Idol.” That should say enough.
Vanessa Hudgens is getting naked again, this time for her upcoming movie “Sucker Punch. In an interview with UK Metro, she revealed, “I’m playing a character named Blondie and it’s set in a brothel in the 1950s, so there’s not a whole lot of clothes… I think this is my time to really step it up and get to grow up. It will 
be somewhat different with the content and a few more foul words but that’s the biggest difference.” This is your time to step it up and grow up? Didn’t this chick already do that when naked pictures of her leaked out all over the internet, like a big girl… or at least a girl who has to be over 18 or else we’re all going to jail? That’s what I thought. Well, it’s glad to see that the hot Vanessa Hudgens is trying to branch out into more adult roles, like hookers, but am I going to have to pay to see this movie, because I already saw her naked for free? I don’t think I’m out of line here, but I think there is something morally wrong with asking me to pay to see someone nude after I’ve already checked it all out for free. I’m going to have to buy a ticket like everyone else, aren’t I? Well, what if I just download the script online for free and act it out in my head while staring at her nudity of my computer screen? Sure, it might seem kinda lame to you, but are you still going to be saying that if I whip my dick out in the theatre next to you when she starts flashing her snatch? Be careful what you wish for, my friends… be careful.
In some movie news, Marvel continues to amaze me, always seeming to find the right person for the right role. This time, they’ve cast Natalie portman as Thor’s first love Jane Foster in the movie adaptation of “Thor,” proving that those kids 
in “Adventures in Babysitting” didn’t know what the fuck they were talking about when they called Thor a homo. Foster was a nurse in the early comics, but Marvel announced that the character will be updated for the film. More and more developments continue to rumble forward, as they prep “Thor” for shooting in order to make their May 20, 2011 release date. Portman is a tremendous actress who can make any role believable as long as it doesn’t involve tons of green screens, direction from George Lucas, and sharing lines with Hayden “I Made Anakin Skywalker A Whiny Bitch” Christensen. Well, she’ll have to get better with the special effects, but two of those three not being involved here should bode well for the production… hopefully. Oh, what am I talking about? This couldn’t possibly be any worse than the “Star Wars” prequels. Oh, you think it could, because anything’s possible…? Really…? Does Thor hang out with Jar Jar Binks…? Then that Norse homo will be just fine.
Don’t forget to tune into Infamous Radio tonight, as we’ll be broadcasting live at 8:00 p.m. EST. We think we’ve worked out some of the issues we were having with the show last week, so you should be able to listen to the show as we air it. I’ve been forced to promise that I won’t be dishing any Harry Potter spoilers on tonight’s show, and I guess I can make that concession. I’m sure the movie will come up, but I promise not to ruin it for any of you. Feel free to call in, as the phone lines will be open, and The Kidd is ready, willing, and able to shoot the shit with you on whatever it is we’re talking about.
Until tomorrow…
