Heidi Montag Is Banned Again… I Mean It
No more Heidi Montag. That’s it. The Kidd has bent the rules one too many times for a chick that is willing to bend over for us every chance she gets. Don’t get me wrong… I’m not saying I don’t appreciate this chick rubbing her ass in my face all the time, but I see what’s going on here. She just wants to use it as a diversionary tactic in hopes I will overlook the other stupidity. She is going on the offensive with her ass as the weapon of choice, and I just can’t that happen anymore. I have to take a stand here before she makes a fool out of all of us… and our love for hitting it from behind.
On Friday, I went out and justified Heidi Montag being in Playboy and the reasons that we should actually all embrace her pictorial instead of hating on it. I went out on a limb to actually defend something done by one of these assholes from 
“The Hills,” and guess what…? This bitch fucked me… and not in anything even close to a good way either. After People magazine confirmed she is indeed locked up for the September issue of Playboy, TMZ is reporting she’s not even naked in the photos. WTF?!?! “Heidi said although she exposed a lot of skin during the shoot, she still covered up the bull’s-eyes on her moneymakers. She also told us she’ll be featured on two covers – but no real nudity.” No real nudity…? In Playboy…? What the fuck is going on here?! Has Hef finally gone totally senile as to give prime Playboy magazine real estate to a chick that’s not even going to get naked in the magazine?! I thought the whole point of flipping through Playboy was for the luxury of seeing hot chicks with no clothes on… well, and for reading the well-crafted articles as well.
From the way this whole thing sounds, we might get to see some cleavage and maybe some side boobage and maybe a hint of butt crack, but we really shouldn’t expect to see anything substantial. No tits. No ass. No snatch. Now that’s some bullshit. Now The Kidd doesn’t know what’s going on here, but he’s going to wait to get to the bottom of this. Hence, Heidi Montag getting banished from the blog yet again. I am going to wait until my mailman drops off my copy of the Heidi Montag issue to see for myself. I am not going to let this question of whether or not she’s actually naked go back and forth. As of now, she is out until she can prove otherwise that she belongs in. If I open up the pages and see her nipples pointing at me and her cooch plastered all over the place, then she has earned her way back. But if none of that is the case… if it’s the same shit as seeing her in a bikini or in some shoot for Maxim, then fuck that bitch! She’s out, and she’ll stay out. Heidi has already gotten one too many chances from The Kidd and definitely one too mentions. Having a nice rack tends to do that to me. But enough is finally enough. There is only one way to get back in my good 
graces, you attention whore, and that’s to flash your shit all over the pages of Playboy. Anything short of that is unacceptable.
I can’t even imagine why anyone posing in Playboy would want to let people know in advance that they wouldn’t be naked in the magazine. Is that supposed to tempt me to buy it more than if they actually were naked? “Hmmm… I was thinking about buying this copy to see Heidi Montag naked, but now that I know all her parts are going to be covered up, I’m definitely going out to get it.” What the fuck kind of stupid reasoning is that? Oh, that’s right… this is half of Speidi we’re talking about here. Either way, I am expecting the worst here and hoping for the best, and we’ll see what happens. I had a feeling this was going to be a bad idea from the start, and it looks like this whole situation is definitely leaning that way. I just have the hunch that this is going to be fucked-up in some way, shape, or form. Even if she does get naked, I’m not too optimistic. After all, some chicks like to keep it bare, others like to trim a landing strip… I just have the sick feeling that Heidi Montag maintains her pubic hair to look like Spencer Pratt’s head. I told you… this is just going to turn out to be bad. Good luck to you though, Heidi. Hopefully you have made a wise decision here that will be reflecting in your appearance in Playboy. The future of your appearance in this blog depends on it and is in your hands… or more like in your pussy. Well, I guess that’s better than Spencer being in there. The thought of that just makes me feel a little sad inside.
What the fuck is going on with Megan Fox? I mean, she’s still hot, but I’m not even sure that’s Megan Fox anymore. She’s been traveling around the world to 
do press for the release of “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen,” and every time I see her now, I have to question just who I’m looking at, because it certainly doesn’t look like any Megan Fox I know. She’s like a fuckin’ chameleon. It’s always something different, and not necessarily in a good way. Now, I’ll all for people changing their appearances and experimenting with how they look, but this chick is in the process of making herself look like an entirely different person these days. Where are you, Megan Fox?! Leave your hotness alone!! It’s not good when I have to spend 20 minutes arguing with someone over whether or not it’s really Megan Fox on the cover on the new Entertainment Weekly, even though the creepy appearance of Optimus Prime in the background staring at her with impure robot thoughts should give it away. It’s almost as if she wants to ruin my enjoyment of looking at her, or confuse my penis about whether or not he should get excited. After all, how can he when he doesn’t even know who the fuck he’s looking at? That chick certainly isn’t in the database… or is she…? Maybe that’s it though. Maybe that’s her game… to fuck with the masturbation material of all the guys and even some girls out there. She wants us to be unsure of ourselves, causing enough chaos that we just give up on our desire to get off. Well, damn you, Megan Fox… damn you all to hell, if that’s the case. How could you do such an evil thing, you heartless bitch?! Of course, if that’s not the case, then obviously I’ve been bad, and need to be spanked. I’ll be in the Holiday Inn at room 469, Miss Fox. See you there.
Sandra Bullock is out and about promoting her new movie “The Proposal” as well. In it, she plays… oh, who gives a fuck? I can’t even remember the last time Sandra Bullock was in a movie I gave a shit about seeing or was attractive, which coincidentally probably happened right around the same time. No, wait… I know. It was definitely “The Net.” What a classic. I just can’t justify paying money to see a romantic comedy that stars Sandra Bullock in it, because, frankly, there’s nothing romantic about the possibility of having sex with Sandra Bullock. Maybe Sandra Bullock like 15 years ago, but Sandra Bullock now…? I might find it sexier to jam my wang in a festering jar of herpes than into someone who made 
“Speed 2: Cruise Control.” It’s important to have standards. While doing press for the new flick, she was interviewed by Parade Magazine and was asked about getting felt up by Betty White. “Let me just say, Betty White feeling me up was the best second base I’ve ever had. She was tender yet firm, found them instantly, which is not easy. She was gentle and loving. And I felt satisfied afterwards.” There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Betty White was Sandra Bullock’s first. She may not have said it in so many words, but she did say that she was satisfied by an 87-year-old woman who only gave her mini-boobs a squeeze because it was written in the script. I tell you… these virgins really need to stop with this emotional attachment. Can’t they just accept the fact that it was just one time and we were drunk… I mean, the director wanted it that way. I’m still not sure how I’m supposed to feel about Betty White being the best second base Sandra Bullock’s ever had. It makes me think that once they wrapped, they headed back to Betty White’s trailer, so she could show Sandra her Golden Girl, and that makes part of me want to throw up. It also makes part of me a bit aroused. Damn… I don’t know what to do. Ah, fuck it… yes, I do. Why can’t I be both? I think I can. Sweet. Someone grab me some paper towels.
I might as well keep the heat on while I’m at it. Someone somewhere doing something recently caught up with Amanda Seyfriend who was not very good in 
“Mamma Mia!” but is usually excellent in everything else she’s been in. And all these years later, they wanted to know if she still kept in touch with Lindsay Lohan after they made “Mean Girls” together. “‘Mean Girls’ was such a long time ago and we definitely haven’t stayed in touch. And while we are on the subject, I can’t stand her.” Wow. That is seriously harsh. Do you realize what this means…? CATFIGHT!!! Two hot actresses thrashing around, pulling each others’ hair and clothes, with the possibility of them making out and possibly doing it…? Sounds like a plan to me. Unfortunately, one of those actresses now becomes present-day Lindsay Lohan, and this whole scenario becomes much less exciting. I don’t know about you, but The Kidd isn’t too thrilled about the prospect of this match-up when one of the women involved is just going to try to do lines of cocaine off her opponent’s ass the whole time while chugging cans of Red Bull in between rounds. Oh, what could have been… it would have been so beautiful, like a sunset or a butterfly or two hotties experimenting with their bisexual tendencies. Oh, Mother Nature… you are a son of a bitch.
Lil Wayne might just be a father… again. MTV reports that the rapper is rumored to be expecting two childre with two different women this year. One is a singer who just might be marrying him, and the other is a model/actress. That goes right 
along with the two children he already has with another woman, astounding The Kidd that three real live females have actually had sex with Lil Wayne. I know the guy has an assload of money, and he’s famous, and he’s very talented, but Lil Wayne might just be the ugliest motherfucker I have ever seen. I have a hard time looking at this dude in the face when I am trying to find a picture of him here for the blog, so I can’t imagine how three separate women managed to keep their eyes on this guy and get in the mood for sex. Some things are even beyond me, people. There are just some unsolved mysteries in this universe that I cannot even begin to explain – the creation of the world, the laws of physics as applied to Kim Kardashian’s ass, and the sex appeal of Lil Wayne. I just can’t. Now let’s move onto something else before the gunshots start ringing out… OH, SHIT… GUNSHOTS!!!
Russell Simmons is losing it. The co-founder of Def Jam and many other enterprises is just not as smart as we all thought he was. In his celebrity blog entry for Global Grind, Simmons commended Tila Tequila for a blog entry of her own, in which she exposed and condemned the cruelty of the fur trade. “Our blogger, Tila Tequila, trumped all of our other celebrity bloggers by handing in the most viewed and commented blog in the history of Global Grind on the 
subject of animal abuse,” wrote Russell Simmons. He then continued on, drawing parallels between Tila Tequila and First Lady Michelle Obama, who recently pledged to go fur-free. I guess you learn something new every day. I had no idea that Michelle Obama was a terrible singer who was able to gain popularity through posting scantily-clad pictures on MySpace before launching into not one, but two seasons of a bisexual dating show all the while having a boyfriend and faking her interest in women in order to drum up interest on MTV. That is one shrewd politician. I’m sure her Tila Tequila qualities had a few other things in mind when putting together the stimulus package, and… I think you get the point. Thank you, Russell Simmons. You have now ruined the White House for me. I suppose President Barack Obama has some things in common with Flavor Flav, while you’re at it… like the fact that he wears a big fuckin’ clock around the Oval Office to make sure he is never late for meetings. Wow… I didn’t realize how likely that might be until I actually wrote it down. Word.
Congratulations to the Los Angeles Lakers and their awesome fans who celebrated in the classiest way possible: by trying to torch the city. Nothing rings in an NBA Championship better than trying to flip cars, lighting cop cars on fire, and attempting to torch L.A.
I realize I am slacking on getting you something worthwhile with “The Kidd Vs. Twilight,” but I can assure you that it is on the way… sometime… in the future. I’m not really sure when that is going to be, but it will happen soon, without a doubt, or at least with a little bit of doubt and definitely a hint of laziness. However, I did promise you a big announcement for today, and I will deliver through on that one. Next week, starting on the 22nd and going through the 26th, The Infamous Billy The Kidd will be writing as a guest blogger at Celebrity Smack!, a gossip and entertainment blog. The Kidd will be filling in for their head writer for a week’s time, delivering my Infamous take to an entirely new audience that is unprepared and unsuspecting of what I’ll be bringing to the table. The regular blog here will keep on rolling as usual, but make sure you head on over to their site to check out my guest commentary all next week. It’ll be all different material from what you get here, so prepare yourself for a double dip of Infamous. I’m pretty sure they have no idea what they’ve gotten themselves into.
Until tomorrow…
Have a pleasant immediate future.
Peace.
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