Heidi Montag Is Here Again
The Kidd completely realizes that he is going against the very vow he made a week ago to not discuss Speidi anymore from that point forward. In fact, I believe the very promise I made went something like, ” I make a vow to you now, unless Heidi Montag is molested by a pack of killer deer or Spencer Pratt develops some sort of tangible talent, I will no longer be wasting any of your time or mine talking about each and every stupid fuckin’ thing that they do.” I mean, that’s if we want to be really exact. Now I normally hold myself to a lower standard as it is when compared to those of you out there who are dirty, filthy liars, but I really was determined to make this one stick. However, I think there’s good reason for going back against what I originally promised. No, no one’s dead… yet… unfortunately, but for the first time ever, Heidi Montag is actually using her powers as a media whore who can’t stop posing for retarded pictures for good. Now, you’re probably scratching your head… or your balls… or your vagina, I guess (sorry, ladies… I didn’t want to leave you out), wondering just what the fuck I’m talking about. Well, it’s official. According to People magazine, Heidi Montag is posing for the September issue of Playboy.
Now I can feel some of you pulling away from me on this one, thinking that this is a bad idea. A pictorial in Playboy of Heidi Montag is just going to give her and 
her douchebag husband even more attention and notoriety and publicity, the very things we want so desperately to take away from them. And I couldn’t agree with you more. However, you’ve really got to take a look at the silver lining on the otherwise dark cloud that is Speidi. They’re out there anyway. They make sure to have their pics taken doing everything – eating at Taco Bell, pumping gas, etc. – you know all the really important things we need to see them do, because no one else has ever done them. So, if we’re going to have to see these goofy bastards anyway, shouldn’t we at least be able to take some satisfaction from the fact that at least one of them (Thank God it was not Spencer) is going to be naked the next time we look at them? I think that’s at least a little bit of a consolation prize.
Sure, I realize that Heidi Montag’s face is much too small for her head, and sometimes she looks like Eric Stoltz in “Mask,” but even I have to admit she has a pretty hot body. She’s not quite a but-her-face, but, at least in the case of Playboy, I can just fold the corner of the page over having to look at her face while I enjoy the rest. Will she be airbrushed? probably. Will she be made to look a helluva lot better than she actually does? Of course. Do I really care? Absolutely not. Because, in attention to finally getting to see Heidi Montag in a picture that isn’t retarded, in a photo that I might actually want to see, I get to 
take all my hatred and all my frustration I feel towards her, her husband, and her show out on the entire pictorial. I can do whatever I want to those pictures in the comfort of my own home… definitely not at the newstand; they frown upon that. So, if you want to defile or degrade Heidi Montag in any and all ways imaginable, go for it. This is your chance. If you feel like cockslapping a few pages in order to exact your revenge on the fact that she’s famous for doing nothing and you’re not, I’m certainly not going to stop you. If you want to make the pages stick together until your copy is a sticky mess, well, then you might have a bit of a problem, and you might want to look into seeing someone to deal with your issues.
I’m just saying… we’re going to have to see this chick again in the future, so she might as well be wearing nothing when we do. Think about the long-term ramifications here. Even if you see her beyond that feature in Playboy, it won’t be so bad, because instead of getting angry, you can just go back to knowing that you’ve seen her naked. And, when you see that dickhead Spencer, you can at least take some satisfaction in the fact that you know what his wife looks like naked, and you’ve done some pretty nasty things to her, which I am sure is illegal in some states, at least in the Deep South for sure. So welcome back somewhat, Heidi. You are welcome to drop by The Kidd’s blog anytime… of course with the stipulation being that you are nude. If you’re wearing clothes, get the fuck out of here. And definitely don’t be bringing around your jackass husband. He has no redeeming qualities and is certainly not welcome ‘round these parts. Of course they is all conditional on what we get in this Playboy spread, because if Heidi winds up being one of those “celebrities” who get in Playboy and decide they’re going to show some ass, just a little bit of tits, and definitely no vagina… FUCK THAT!!! Heidi Montag better be showing her pussy all over Playboy… in a tasteful fashion, of course… or this deal is entirely off the table, in which case I’ll go back to hoping the both 
of them die a horrible, painful fiery death, and Mr. Jizz Pages can go back to doing whatever it was he was doing, this time with the thumbs-up from me.
Usher is done with his wife, filing for divorce from Tameka Raymond after almost two years of marriage. In Touch magazine reports that they’ve been living apart for almost a year, which is pretty incredible considering the short span of their marriage. Let this be a lesson to you all, kids. It is never wise to marry someone when you are hanging out with Lil’ Jon. I don’t know why for sure… maybe it’s the grills or the pimp cups or the getting crunked all the time. It was also revealed that when his wife suffered cardiac arrest from a cosmetic procedure in Brazil, Usher had no idea she was even having surgery. Here’s to hoping their two kids are taken care of during this process. Sometimes these things just don’t work out. It’s no one’s fault really, although in this case it was probably his wife’s. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got the feeling that if you take that and rewind it back, Tameka Raymond don’t got the rhythm make ya booty go clap. How can you expect a marriage to work like that? YEAH!!!
Doug Reinhardt’s rep released a statement to TMZ concerning his split with Paris Hilton, saying, “Doug refuses to take part of this ridiculous media circus. He wishes Paris and all of her future boyfriends the best of luck.” Wait, this guy’s got a representative? What’re they just giving them away to people? Fuck… how many UPCs do I need for one of those? I didn’t even know there was that much attention being paid to the fact that Paris Hilton broke up with another dude that we probably won’t hear from again, but I guess this is his way of trying to call more attention to him and this situation. Look, dude… just go quietly into obscurity. There’s no reason to call for any more attention to yourself, considering that Paris’ vagina probably melted away your wang. That’s something I’d prefer to keep under wraps instead of trying to force it into the spotlight. Then again, that’s just me.
Speaking of wangs, Chastity Bono, the daghter of Cher and Sonny Bono, has started the process of becoming a transgender individual, getting ready to undergo the transformation from female to male. Bono’s rep… fuck, she has a rep, too… said in a statement, “Chaz, after many years of consideration, has made the courageous decision to honor his true identity.” Hold up… she refers to herself as “he,” and has gone by the name Chaz over the years. Which one is Chastity 
Bono again? Oh, right… the one that already looks like a dude with a dick bigger than mine. Carry on, people. There’s nothing to see here.
I was going to write something here about those stupid kids from “Twilight,” but ultimately I decided against it. I mean, is there anything they do that’s not boring, uninteresting, or unexciting, considering that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are both boring, uninteresting, and unexciting people? Fuck it… I don’t have any more time to waste on a couple of people who already wasted a couple hours of my life that are never coming back. And I promise you this, Kiddos. You’ll have “The Kidd Vs. Twilight” by the beginning of the week. I swear… and no, my fingers are not crossed behind my back… as far as you can see.
According to the Chicago Sun-Times, Billy Ray Cyrus is thrilled that his daughter broke up with the 20-year-old underwear model in order to possibly pursue something with the Jonas Brother. He was bothered by the age difference 
between Miley and Justin Gaston and sources say “he’s thrilled that Miley finally sees things his way… and is much happier Nick Jonas is now front ‘n’ center in Miley’s affections.” Oh, Billy Ray and your achy breaky heart… you’re so naive. She was just dating around, getting exposed to different people, to ultimately see what she might like down the line. I’m glad you’re happy that Miley is back together with Nick Jonas and his wholesome Disney image and his love of butt sex. Oh, wait… was I not supposed to say anything? Sorry, kid, you’re on your own.
Alright, girls, here’s your chance to get moist with delight heading into the weekend. Disney is pushing a 4th “Pirates of the Caribbean” adventure that just might happen sooner than anyone originally thought… and that means more Johnny Depp in a pirate costume. Geez… can you at least wait to pull out your vibrator until I’m finished? Coming Soon recently spoke to Jerry Bruckheimer about the production as well as Depp’s plan to be a part of Disney’s adaptation of “The Lone Ranger.” And it looks like if anything is going to get done first, it’s going to be Captain Jack Sparrow. “It’s a great franchise… a beloved character and Johnny’s really excited about coming back to Captain Jack. He certainly is interested in Tonto, but Disney’s priority is to get ‘Pirates’ made first. You never know what’s going to happen, but they would like it.” He also added that the two original writers of the series were currently working on the new “Pirates.” I know at the end of “At World’s End,” it looked like Depp was setting sail on a quest to find the Fountain of Youth, and that sounds all well and good, but The Kidd’s got an even better 
idea. How about they bring back Keira Knightley and all of the pirates can go on a journey to get that chick something to eat? Seriously. There is much more danger and peril in trying to force some spaghetti and meatballs down her throat than there is in trying to find some stupid fountain of water. Oh, the water helps bring you life…? Well, so does a turkey club. Therefore, let’s make a movie with Johnny Depp trying to put some meat on this skinny bitch’s bones. Besides, if people saw the last two “Pirates” movies with absolutely no real idea about what the fuck was going on in the story, then they’ll definitely go in for this… I think.
Enjoy your weekend, as The Kidd is planning a pretty HUGE announcement in Monday’s blog. That gives you a few days to build your excitement. If it gets to be too much built up for you, please just use some lubrication… but you still have to wait until then. Remember… “The Kidd Vs. Twilight” is on the way.
Until next week…
Have a pleasant immediate future.
Peace.
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