Leonardo Dicaprio Just Might Rule The World

Leonardo Dicaprio Just Might Rule The World

Leonardo DiCaprio is a fine actor. There is no question about that. In fact, Leo is one of those people that when you see their name attached to a movie, you know it’s going to be pretty good, because they are incapable of making shit. He’s right up there with Cate Blanchett and Dame Judi Dench. Now that’s some classy company. I’d have to really think long and hard about a DiCaprio movie that sucked. I mean, I’m not too crazy about all of “Titanic.” Kate Winslet lets her true love freeze to death, because she couldn’t try more than once to move her fat ass and make room for him on that floating door. What a bitch. However, in addition to his skills as a thespian, he might just rule the world. Why do you say that, Kidd? Hmmm… I don’t know. Maybe it’s because he can do just about whatever he wants and can get away with it, because he’s Leonardo DiCaprio and everyone wants him. That’s some kind of life.

We already know about the man-crush Martin Scorcese has on the guy, wanting to cast him for every single leading role in each one of his movies. He’d want Leo for the role of Marilyn Monroe if he was making a biopic about her. And you can be sure he gets a little bit jealous when another director talks about casting DiCaprio for their movie, because that means more time than none that Marty is apart from his boy toy. Well, Todd McFarlane, creator of Spawn and one helluva action figure line, wants in on some of this action. McFarlane talked to MTV recently, where he expressed his desire for Leo to be part of Spawn’s return to the big screen. “The main character isn’t Spawn, per se, it’s the guy chasing Spawn. And I’ve always had DiCaprio in the back of my mind.” He also adds that “…his dad was a big fan of underground comic books and he came from that. It’s not a big special-effects movie, it’s a character movie, so I could shoot it in 40-50 days and you don’t have to budget that much time.” Huh…? Who the fuck wants to see that? Don’t get me wrong… I respect the hell out of Todd McFarlane. In fact, I have his deluxe King Kong and deluxe Jaws sets sitting on top of my desk right now. But has he gone completely mental? He wants to make a Spawn movie that’s not about Spawn. Clearly, his toys contain lead paint from China, and he’s been licking them. That’d be like making a Superman movie about the people who just follow Superman around and watch him fly. This is an Oscar-nominated actor, and this is what you want him to do. Somewhere, Scorcese is letting out a sigh of relief… for now. He might have to worry about their lack of time together again though, once he realizes that Leo is now out and about looking for some ladies to satisfy his every need. Leonardo DiCaprio is on the hunt after breaking up with ridiculously hot supermodel Bar Rafaeli.

Leo and Bar Rafaeli are “taking a break,” according to People magazine. A Rafaeli source told the periodical that the model’s desire to get serious may have caused the actor to have doubts about their relationship.” She wants to move faster than he did, she wanted to move in together,” the source said, “so he broke it off.” It was also revealed that DiCaprio “didn’t treat her very well, almost like a second-hand girlfriend.” The Kidd isn’t sure why this is surprising to anyone, and maybe your shock will die down when you realize that this is Leonardo DiCaprio we’re talking about, and he just might rule the world. He’s dating a hot supermodel that we could only dream about maybe whacking off to? Cool. She wants to move in? Fuck her. It’s time to go. For the rest of us, it’s difficult to imagine letting go of a girl like that. We’d do whatever we could to keep that relationship going. She wants to move in? No problem. We’ve been out of line, and she wants to beat us? Just don’t hit in the face. She wants to go out and bang other dudes? What time should we expect you home? We fear that we’d never be able to find anyone better, and we probably wouldn’t. We’d sit and cry, weeping about the old days and how good we had it and how we all let it get away. That’s why we’re not Leonardo DiCaprio, because he is ready to move onto the next chick without even missing a beat. I’m sure he’ll find some nice twins somewhere… or a bisexual redheaded Asian girl… does it really matter? Do you really doubt that Leonardo DiCaprio can wind up with someone even better than Bar Rafaeli. I don’t. And that’s why I have now put up a shrine on my wall to Leo, and I pray to him at night, in the hopes that I can be like him one day.

Speaking of break-ups, Kanye West is now a single man, having split from his model girlfriend Amber Rose, and the only question I have about this whole scenario is: how the fuck is this chick even a model? Seriously. Is there a shortage of models these days that they’ll just take anyone who signs up? When I first saw her, I actually thought Kanye West was dating a bald man. Then, at second glance, it just appeared he might be in a relationship with a short-haired tranny. Now, you’re going to tell me that this chick was a model? Bullshit. Next you’re going to tell me that Kanye West is the Michael Jordan of hip hop. No, I know that he will tell me that, but I want to hear it from your mouth… without you laughing hysterically… and peeing your pants. I didn’t think that was going to be able to happen either. I didn’t think Kanye West’s ego would even allow him to date a person that looked like this. Maybe Kanye West’s ego has lower standards than we thought. After all, it does think he’s the greatest entertainer in the world, so really… what the fuck does it really know? With judgment like that, I’m surprised he hasn’t shacked up with Tara Reid, calling her the greatest plastic surgery money can buy. Come to think of it, Kanye West might just be blind… or retarded… or both, which would usually be pretty bad, but in this case, those deficiencies can’t top the biggest one this dude has to begin with – the fact that he’s Kanye West.

Paris Hilton is also single again, so let this give you plenty of time to get your penis locked up in the event that alcohol is involved, and you decide to exercise poor judgment. She is no longer together with Doug Reinhardt, a guy I had no idea who the fuck he even was. I actually had to look him up and found that he was on “The Hills,” which explains why I didn’t know or care about him one bit. In fact, now that I know he was on “The Hills,” I actually find it proper punishment that he made his way into Paris Hilton’s vagina. If only we could get the whole cast and crew in there as well, we wouldn’t have to worry about that stupid fuckin’ show, because there’s absolutely no way they’d all make it out alive. I guess it’s good that Paris Hilton is free though. The world really was in need of a good herpes epidemic, since that whole swine flu thing fizzled out rather quickly. Just remember, kids… if you see Paris Hilton, try to maintain a safe distance from her, as she probably won’t be wearing any panties, and I’m pretty sure her pussy spits… kinda like that dinosaur that ate Newman in “Jurassic Park.” If any of her secretions get on, immediately contact poison control or head straight to the emergency room before it has the chance to burn through your skin. Oh, you don’t believe me…? Well, don’t ask me to feel sorry for you when you choose to find out the hard way. Oh well… it’s a shame these two people just couldn’t make it work. I’m totally sure the world would have been ready for the children that would have come from this classy couple.

Filming for the sequel to “Sex and the City: The Movie” is scheduled to start in August, and it looks like the script is done. Wow. I can’t wait. I’m about as excited for this as I am for getting an enema with that new lava sauce at Taco Bell. Sorry, it’s not on the value menu, but you can find it listed beneath the chalupas. Frankly, I still don’t get it. After all of these seasons on HBO and now going on two movies, can anyone realistically believe that anyone is having any sex in any city with Sarah Jessica Parker, except for Matthew Broderick? Poor bastard. I’m all about suspension of disbelief when I sit down to watch a movie, but this is fuckin’ ridiculous. It’s more believable that Cynthia Nixon, the lesbian, plays a role that has her loving the cock than it is that Sarah Jessica Parker, the beast, plays a role that has her even able to get the cock. Mr. Big must have been one desperate motherfucker.

Kirstie Alley has taken a break from eating to try pitching another reality show. She’s gained 85 pounds since stepping down as a Jennie Craig spokeswoman in 2008, and the new show would be built around her struggle to lose all the weight again. America… what a great country. It’s the only place in the world where you can become a fat ass on your own and then get paid to attempt getting healthy again. I used to be a Kirstie Alley fan. Back in The Kidd’s younger days, I thought she was pretty attractive during the days of “Cheers.” Of course that was before I realized every one of those cast members was in danger of getting eaten by Kirstie Alley any time catering was late on the set. In fact, I’m pretty sure I know where that new 85 pounds came from – digesting Kelsey Grammer. Think about it… when’s the last time you remember seeing him? I don’t really care to see a reality show about Kirstie Alley trying not to be fat… again. However, if they really want to get my attention, they should pair her up with Jessica Simpson who is trying to get another reality show going for herself. That is something I would watch. They can live in a house and be fat together, with each episode ending in an eating contest, where the winner just gets the satisfaction of victory and the loser has to sit in a room full of Twinkies and eat their feelings away. And throughout the show, they can take time to sit in the confessional and talk about their favorite condiments and shit, or have minor competitions to see which is bigger, jessica simpson’s breasts or Kirstie Alley’s ass. Hmmm… will someone get my agent on the phone? I think we’ve got a ratings giant here on our hands.

Oh, those tricky bastards over at Fox. Just when they know how much we hate them, they try to do something awesome in order to totally redeem themselves… which brings us to your obligatory Megan Fox story to get excited about. Fresh off her lack of enthusiasm for possibly being Wonder Woman or Lara Croft, she might just be under consideration to take over the role of Buffy the Vampire Slayer for the planned relaunch. IGN is reporting that she is being eyed to take the title role of the movie I bashed the shit out of for not having anything to do with the awesome Joss Whedon series that starred Sarah Michelle Gellar. Thanks a lot, Fox… I appreciate you making me look like an asshole. No wonder I hate you so much. I’m actually pretty sure those dickheads leaked this rumor on purpose just to make me eat shit on this one. Fuckin’ assholes. In case you haven’t guessed, I have switched my position on this one from “what the fuck are you doing?” to something more along the lines of “I’ll wait and see,” because if anything has the potential to get me excited about an unnecessary Buffy movie that stays away from everything that made the franchise successful to begin with, it would be the idea that Megan Fox is running around scantily clad, all dirty and sweaty, kicking the shit out of some vampires. I just hope they don’t throw some ninjas in while they’re at it, because then they’re just trying to force me to see this thing… and like it.

If J.J. Abrams can turn around “Star Trek” and make it meaningful again, why can’t he do the same thing to Tom Cruise? J.J. is set to get involved as a producer on a 4th “Mission: Impossible” movie, after directing the 3rd installment. I didn’t remember much about that movie until I recently saw it again on cable, and it was actually pretty good. It wasn’t awesome enough for me to remember it before catching it on TNT, but it was certainly better than “Mission: Impossible 2,” which was just overrun with doves and slow-motion and even better than that first “Mission: Impossible,” which got to be so confusing, I’m pretty sure not even Tom Cruise had a fuckin’ idea what was going on by the end. According to J.J., he and Cruise have “come up with a really good idea” and he is “incredibly honoured” that he was invited back. There is no word on plans for him to possibly step in as the director, but I’m pretty sure Tom Cruise would gladly give him a turn with Katie Holmes in the hopes of getting Abrams to do whatever possible to make him relevant again. Man, remember when Tom Cruise just made good, solid movies like “Top Gun” and “A Few Good Men” before he turned batshit crazy? Ah, memories. But, he’s putting his fate in the right hands. If anyone can make “Mission: Impossible” not suck, it’d be J.J. Abrams. I’m fairly certain that guy could make your dog getting run over by a steamroller not suck. If it was your grandmother, he might have a tougher task ahead, but… ah, fuck it… it’s J.J. Abrams. He can do anything, except fly… and even then, we still don’t have proof on that to be sure.

Could it get any worse than “Wolverine”? Absolutely. Bad movies happen all the time. However, did you think it could get any worse this very summer with another big action movie? Well, that might just be the case, with the horrendous-looking “G.I. Joe” rumored to be having serious problems. Latino Review has been able to confirm through various sources that director Stephen Sommers, who made his name directing “The Mummy,” was fired from the movie after a test screening brought in the worst numbers in the history of Paramount. The story claims that Sommers was fired as director, removed from the the picture, and locked out of the editing room, with Stuart Baird, a renowned “fixer” editor brought in to try to salvage this piece of shit. Sommers was then forced by his agents to pretend that he was working on “Tarzan” over at Warner Bros. doing design work, even though the film doesn’t even have a working script yet. When word of the firing spread, Sommer was brought back, to save appearance for the studio. Later, “G.I. Joe” producer Lorenzo diBonaventura spoke to Latino Review and denied the report. “It’s completely untrue. He was never asked to leave or been fired or any of that. That’s ridiculous. The movie tested very well.” Well, obviously, someone’s lying here, and you can draw your own conclusions, but The Kidd is more inclined to believe that the producer’s pants are on fire here. He may have been able to get us to believe him had he just said it wasn’t true. But to carry on that the movie tested well? Come on, man. I saw that trailer. The movie’s fuckin’ awful. There’s no way you could have filled a room with enough idiots that thought some people calling themselves G.I. Joe and running around in some Halo suits was a great movie. This one is heading for disaster, and Hugh Jackman is one lucky bastard, knowing that he came that close to having the biggest waste of time this summer. Well, it looks like “G.I. Joe” is about to bail him out. I don’t know what they expected from a movie with a Wayans brother in it. GO JOE!!!

Until tomorrow…

Have a pleasant immediate future.

Peace.