Lindsay Lohan – Living Life One Bad Decision At A Time
The Michael Jackson memorial is now over, so we can move our lives onto bigger and better things, like the Michael Jackson tribute, the Michael Jackson toxicology reports, the Michael Jackson final autopsy, the Michael Jackson custody battle over his children, and the Michael Jackson ghost that some of you believe can be seen roaming the halls of Neverland Ranch. The Kidd sat and watched the memorial twice over the course of yesterday, and, to get my take on how things went down, check out last night’s preview episode of Infamous Radio, where we talked about the events at great length. We had some technical difficulties broadcasting the show live here on the site, and hopefully will be able to work those issues out very soon. So, if you tuned in last night to listen live, you probably got last week’s test run. I apologize for the problem, but hopefully you enjoyed what you heard regardless. Now you only have to go back again to listen to last night’s show. Sorry. That’s why we do the tests, to work out the bugs and make sure everything is in tip-top shape for our official launch. Please excuse our dust or whatever the fuck it is they say when people are trying to get shit ready. It’s all a work in progress. With that said, let’s get to what’s going on today.
The Kidd really doesn’t know where it went wrong for Lindsay Lohan. I mean, I do… right out of the womb… but really corrective measures should have been taken along the way to make sure it didn’t get this bad. It’s sad, because I really like Lindsay Lohan. I think she is… scratch that… was incredibly atractive. I thought she was hot as the curvy redhead that was natural for her. I also 
thought she was very talented, as evidenced by her performances in “Mean Girls” and… well, that’s it. However, over the past few years, whether it’s been the cocaine or the booze or the Red Bull or the tranny significant others or her crazy parents or whatever it is, the Lindsay Lohan Express keeps racing along the downward spiral at breakneck speeds. Have you ever seen someone continue making bad decision after bad decision continuously at such an alarming rate? I don’t remember seeing someone fuck up their life this badly since… hmmmm… well, since ever. So I don’t know why it comes as such a shock or surprise to me when I hear another of the incredibly idiotic decisions made on behalf of LiLo’s life and/or career. After all, who needs to make good movies anymore when you can just sell spray-on tanner… Especially when those movies only include “The Hangover.”
Us magazine reports that Lindsay Lohan turned down the role of escort/stripper Jade in this summer’s hit comedy “The Hangover” after stating that the script “had no potential.” A source told Us that director Todd Phillips approached Lohan to take the supporting role after their mutual agent campaigned on her behalf. The source says, “The agent tried hard to get Phillips to consider her, and when he finally agreed, Lindsay said she didn’t like the script!” Heather Graham eventually slid into the role, and the movie only made some serious bank to the tune of $205 million and counting.
First off, if I am Todd Phillips, fresh off “The Hangover” and with “Old School” also to my credit, I am looking for another agent. If I feel I am talented and able to keep adding to my already worthwhile career, I don’t want to be associated 
with any part of any team that has helped guide Lindsay Lohan’s to where it is right now. Secondly, I realize Lindsay Lohan has a bit of a substance abuse problem, as evidenced by her numerous stints in rehab, but seriously… what the fuck was she on when she decided that “The Hangover” just wasn’t for her?! The movie has Mike Tyson, a naked Asian guy, Zack Galifianakis… did I mention a naked asian guy…? What about any of that says “not good?” I’m sorry… I guess it didn’t quite meet her high standards like a movie where she plays a stripper who never actually gets naked who winds up having a twin nobody knew about or some retarded shit like that. Yeah, that one had “winner” written all the fuck over it. And who the fuck needs to take on a role that will have people talking about you again? I hadn’t talked about Heather Graham in years, probably since around “Boogie Nights” and the 2nd “Austin Powers” movie. It wasn’t that I had forgotten about her, but, with her disappearance, I thought she might be dead. Fear not though, she was alive and well and did a helluva job in the movie, causing me to remember just how awesome and hot Heather Graham still is. Apparently, that is nothing Lindsay Lohan is interested in. She would prefer to be remembered as the chick who wasted away on a steady diet of Diet Coke and blow than someone who actually made wise decisions in actually trying to resurrect their life and career. Good job, Lindsay. Way to go.
Speaking of some fucked-up situations, the war between Michael Bay and Megan Fox continues as she lets the world know what a piece of shit the new “Transformers” movie really is and he tries to distract you from that fact by just trying to blow up some shit nearest to him. The San Francisco Chronicle reports that she should basically be thankful for making shitty movies with giant fuckin’ robots and their giant fuckin’ testicles, because, if it wasn’t for her 
ability to clean dead bugs off Michael Bay’s fender, and look sexy doing it, she’d be right back where she started… which I have no idea where that is… but it probably involves sucking dick, receiving money, and still looking absolutely amazing. As part of her audition for her breakthrough role in “Transformers,” Michael Bay made her wash his Ferrari while he filmed her. That was her audition. Man, who the fuck needs some romps on the casting couch when you can use hot chicks to get done some shit that needs to get done… like chores? The Chronicle article reports that Fox was concerned as to where the footage may have ended up, saying that she didn’t know what had happened to that footage. When Bay was asked about its whereabouts, he replied, “Er, I don’t know where it is either,” which as we all know means, “Getting ready to be leaked onto the internet if Megan Fox doesn’t shut the fuck up and start talking about how great my seizure-inducing movies are.” Michael Bay is a bit of a douchebag, and his movies are all action, with no plot, and no point. So, as a filmmaker, I am not a big fan of his work, because I think his films are everything that is wrong with moviemaking today – all style, no substance. And, in this very situation, I am not a big fan of his work either… because I didn’t think about trying to film Megan Fox washing my expensive car first. Granted… it’s only a Honda, but it still gets pretty dirty… and it needs a dirty, filthy girl to get it clean the right way…. one who doesn’t mind getting a little wet and soapy and… oh, you want to take your shirt off and rub your breasts all over… ummmm… sorry. I got carried away. Hold on a second… I need to clean up my keyboard. I…uh… spilled something.
Further proving The Kidd’s theory that people should need licenses in order to have kids, the New York Daily News reports that Kristen Stewart just might be 
pregnant. The father…? Well, none other than Robert Pattinson, of course. According to the story, an insider quoted by Australia’s New Weekly says, “When [Stewart] worked out she was late, she obviously started to thinking that she could be pregnant. And because of the timing, she thinks Rob could be the father.” It is also reported that she had a friend pick up a home pregnancy test for her, and that she is “very nervous about the whole situation.” She’s nervous…? What about me…? Do you know what kind of scary thought it is that these two fuckin’ people might bring a child into the world? Have you seen “Twilight”? These are two of the most boring-ass fuckin’ people I have ever seen in my entire life… and that’s when they’re together. And you want to bring a child into the mix, who genetically will be boring as fuck as well…? Then 15-20 years down the road, they can take the kid and cast it as one of the leads in the boring-as-fuck remake of the boring-as-fuck “Twilight” saga. Shit, even just writing about these people and their potential child is boring. Is there anything about either of them that could be any bit exciting…? Maybe if Team Edward vs. Team Jacob turned into a triple threat fight with Team Abortion now added into the mix. Wait…. shhh… can you hear that…? That was just Team Outrage getting formed. Well, shut the fuck up… you know you were thinking it, too.
Yet another old television show will be getting the big screen treatment with a proposed “Baywatch” movie not only moving forward, but also securing a 
director. DreamWorks has signed up Jeremy Garelick, writer of the “no potential” hit “The Hangover” to make his directorial debut on the strength of his 37 pages of spec script for the project. The movie is being conceived as an 80’s comedy in the spirit of “Police Academy” or “Stripes,” according to Variety, and being a fan of that genre, we’ll have to wait and see how that works out for the future of “Baywatch.” As of now, there are no plans to have Hasselhoff of Pamela Anderson be a part of things, although I wouldn’t be surprised by cameos from either in the finished product, but, as long as they maintain the theme music and some hot chicks running at me in slow-motion on the beach with their bouncing and their jiggling and their… I’m sold. Pass the popcorn please. I’ll be ready… I’LL BE READY!!!
It’s been awhile since a full-length movie was made based on one of those unfunny characters from “Saturday Night Live.” But considering how miserably most of them have failed in the past, with only “Wayne’s World” actually finding any fans. the time seems perfectly right to try another ill-conceived attempt. Will Forte’s MacGruber has gotten the green light and is set to begin production next month, with Ryan Phillippe co-starring as his sidekick and Val Kilmer playing the main villain. Now any movie with Val Kilmer in it has the potential to be bad-ass. However, that bad-assery is instantly overruled and 
disqualified when it happens to be in a movie about a MacGuyver parady who is always locked in the same room with the same people with the same explosives and never diffuses things in time to prevent them all from blowing up. I guess it was funny maybe the first time you saw it… if you were incredibly drunk to the point that you thought taking a leak on your couch was actually you taking a leak in the bathroom. However, after like the 8th or 9th time of seeing the same exact sketch, it had to be clear to all of us that something that couldn’t even be funny for a minute-and-a-half actually needed to be expanded out to a movie that will run at least an hour-and-a-half. Man, I can’t wait to NOT see this one. Can you say “suckfest” with me? Come on, everybody… SUCKFEST.
Sorry for the late blog again. That’s what being extremely overtired and sleeping until the middle of the afternoon will do to you. Make sure to check out last night’s preview episode of Infamous Radio, and I hope you enjoy it.
Until tomorrow…
