Megan Fox Hates The Same People You Do
Megan Fox has been out and about all over Asia recently for the overseas premieres of “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.” I’m sure that’s the most 
excited some of those guys have been since Godzilla left town. What…? Is that somehow wrong because of the ethnicity? Fine. I’m sure that’s the most excited some of those guys have been since the invention of the egg roll. There… that’s better. Anyway. when she’s not over there doing all kinds of sexy things with her tongue to chopsticks, she’s attending press conferences and answering questions… you know, the boring stuff. The Kidd usually hates these kinds of things, because everyone always asks stupid questions, like “What was it like to kiss Shia LeBeouf?” or “Did you enjoy working with Michael Bay?” No one ever has the balls to ask the important stuff, like “Megan Fox, would you please get naked?” Well, At a presser in South Korea, she was asked how she would stop the ruthless Megatron from demolishing the world, because obviously the likelihood of a megaton robot from another world threatening human existence here on Earth increases every day. She answered Total Film UK’s question by saying that she would “barter with him.” However, she then went on to say, “…and instead of the entire planet, can you just take out all the white trash, hillbilly, anti-gay, super Bible-beating people in middle America?” And in that moment, I realized just how much I love Megan Fox… more than just the self-love I profess to her just about every other day. This is serious. It’s like we’re connected or something… kindred spirits, soulmates, all that shit. She hates ignorant redneck assholes. I hate ignorant redneck assholes. Her last name is Fox. I think she’s foxy. She wears sexy panties. I want to steal her sexy panties. See… we have so much in common, it’s 
ridiculous. It’s like there’s this amazing connection between us that runs far deeper than my desire to see if her vagina might actually be what people are talking about when they describe heaven. I know her level of disdain and hatred for what many would consider the worst part of America is a turn-on to me, but it’s not nearly as arousing as the thought of what Megan Fox means when she says she’d barter with Megatron. Are we talking about Megan Fox having sex with a robot, like one of those sex machines that run on unleaded gas that I’ve seen across my plethora of free porn sites…? And she’s doing this to save my life…? Now do you see what I mean? How could I not be madly in love with a hot woman who is willing to bang a piece of high-tech electronics in order to save me from annihilation at the hands of a fictional character? Granted it’s not on the internet, but that’s some hardcore feelings. If only I knew how to repay such a favor… I guess I can start with putting on some clean boxers. Hey, it’s progress.
Britney Spears has a new man these days. If you guessed Jack Daniels, you’d have been right a few months ago. However, today that is the wrong answer. It appears that she’s been getting comfy cozy with her agent Jason Trawick, who also happens to be one of her brother’s best friends, because we all know that always works out pretty well. According to People magazine, “They are totally and definitely dating. Her dad loves him. He’s the best thing that happened.” 
People’s source also adds, “He makes Britney really happy, and he’s great with the boys.” I guess we can chalk this up to being good news for Britney, considered that she definitely would have hooked up with Kevin Federline, the bathroom attendant, a Hell’s Angel, and a mailbox recently enough. I guess the comeback keeps rolling along in a positive direction. I just hope this guy knows what he’s getting himself into, namely Britney’s mangled vagina. And, if he doesn’t, I suggest that he heads over to Arby’s, because their Big Montana roast beef sandwich is about as close a comparison as I think I can draw for this fella… well, that or some roadkill. Good luck to you, sir, because you definitely need all the help you can possibly get. You probably also need all the antibiotics you can get your hands on, too, but let’s just take it one step at a time.
Kendra Wilkinson is pregnant. I can see you’re thrilled. You’d probably be even more enthusiastic if you knew just who the fuck Kendra Wilkinson is. Kendra is the former girlfriend of Playboy’s Hugh Hefner and reality star of such shows as “The Girls Next Door,” which followed her life as one of Hef’s three girlfrends and the new “Kendra” which documents her life after leaving the Playboy Mansion and getting engaged to mediocre Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Hank Baskett. Yeah, that chick is having a baby. Congratulations are in order for the happy couple as they move forward with their lives together. Unfortunately, I cannot send well-wishes out to their growing child. I actually feel sorry for the poor kid. It really has 
nothing to do with the fact that his mom posed in Playboy or that his dad sucks in the NFL. No, I feel bad for this kid, because, on the way out, he’s going to be passing through the exact same place that Hugh Hefner’s old shriveled wang once did. There’s no changing that. I don’t care how much she’s washed since then, but you just can’t erase that. So, from the moment that kid is born, it’s going to have some of Hef’s wrinkled balls all over it. That’s worse than cooties where I come from. In fact, I actually can’t think of anything that’s not worse than. Maybe if she had done a horse or something, but I’d have to be in a really generous mood to let that one pass…. REALLY generous… since I think it’d be much more acceptable for Kendra Wilkinson to have had sex with a thoroughbred than Hugh Hefner. And I know that sounds sick right off the bat, but, if you really consider it, you’ll be on my side on this one in no time.
USA Today always manages to suck the right dick around here in order to score some pretty sweet exclusives. Today, they were able to secure the first look of Mickey Rourke as Whiplash in next summer’s “Iron Man 2.” For those of you who are excited to see any picture of Mickey Rourke, regardless if it comes from “Iron Man” or not, you’ll got some serious issues. It looks pretty cool if you ever wanted to see what Rourke would look like if he was in “Gladiator.” If that’s not your thing, then just wait patiently with your hands down your pants for the first glimpse of Scarlett Johannson as 
Black Cat or Gywneth Paltrow in whatever hotness she might be wearing. I could even get the ladies getting moist with delight over a picture of Robert Downey Jr. doing just about anything. However, I’m just not all that crazy about seeing Mickey Rourke. I’m sure Marvel and Jon Favreau have nailed the character for this anticipated sequel, so I will reserve my joy for when we get to see it all in action in the first teaser trailer. In the meantime, it’s just Mickey Rourke.
Remember how I bitched and complained about the idea of an “Alien” prequel being made over at Fox? Well, it looks like the brakes might be getting slammed on this one before it even gets off the ground. Original “Alien” director Ridley Scott and his director brother Tony Scott were both set to serve on producers for this origin approach to the face-huggers and chest-bursters, with commercial director Carl Erik Rinsch hand-selected by the brothers to get behind the camera and make his feature film debut. Not so fast though, says Fox. 
Entertainment Weekly reports that sources at Fox state that the studio is not interested in greenlighting a prequel unless Ridley Scott himself directs. Wait a second… someone from the original doesn’t want to get fully involved, and it stops the prequel? Does this same tactic work for putting the kibosh on remakes, reboots, and reimaginings? Is that all we’ve needed to do all this time, in order for this string of shitty renditions of once-classic movies to stop? That would have been nice to know YESTERDAY. The Kidd is down on his knees, begging and pleading with Ridley Scott… please don’t do it. Please stick to your guns. Please refuse to budge on Fox’s demands. You can get this guy a job doing some other movie. But, if this is the only way to get Fox to halt moving forward on this project, then the Scott brothers owe it to us, to fans of the “Alien” franchise before it got ruined by Predators, to not give in. We don’t want to see another prequel. We don’t need to see them go back to this material. Someone needs to put their fuckin’ foot down, and The Kidd can only hope that this is that moment. I’d much prefer Ralph Macchio to crane kick Will Smith’s little asshole kid in the face to stop “The Karate Kid” remake and having that be the event that starts off the prequel/remake domino effect, but beggars can’t be choosers. I’ll take what I can get.
Way to go Warner Bros. You fucked yourselves badly. In making the decision to move “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” from its original release date last November to this summer in order to help pad their financial numbers with a 
big blockbuster in the summer, they may have just hit themselves where it really hurts the most – in their wallets. With “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” getting the IMAX treatment for a full month with its scenes shot with IMAX cameras and its extra footage of more robots beating the shit out of each other, there’s just not enough room at the IMAX for Gryffindor. Unless you plan on traveling to New York or Los Angeles in order to see the special 3D sequences of the wizarding world, you’ll have to wait until July 29 to see Hermione and Ron get it on while Hagrid watches in IMAX form, some two weeks after the movie’s initial release on July 15. Obviously, Warner Bros. didn’t learn that people now like to be able to see movies in IMAX, as evidenced by the fact that Keanu’s piece of shit “The Day The Earth Stood Still” even had IMAX showings. Are you willing to wait an extra couple of weeks in order to see Hogwarts in giant form over seeing it on Opening Night with the rest of the weirdos in robes that act out Quidditch matches in the middle of the theatre? Oh well, Warner Bros., I guess it’s your loss. I’m sure the movie will make assloads of money anyway, but it’s always nice to have a few extra bucks flowing in, due to IMAX. I guess we finally know who would win in a fight between Optimus Prime and Dumbledore though. Nobody, because if you’re even having that debate, you are one sad individual.
Until tomorrow…
Have a pleasant immediate future.
Peace.
