Miley Cyrus Poops
The Kidd is back from the break over 4th of July weekend that he never took, and he’s better than ever. Then again, I get more and more awesome with each passing day, so it’s not like a holiday was needed to get to that point. This time, it just included fireworks, so I guess that’s an added bonus for me. Some of you are just starting your 3-day weekends. Some of you are just ending them. Some of you lucky bastards stretched it out into a 4-day weekend. Either way, whether you are kicked up on a beach downing margaritas or you are stuck back in your little cubicle staring at your creepy calendar of cats dressed like people, at least you’ve still got me to get you through the day, relaxing or not.
These days, everyone is all over the social networking sites… well, except MySpace (only Brooke Hogan is still using that piece of shit). You can show your support for The Kidd over on my newly under construction Facebook fan page. You can also choose to follow my tweets over on The Kidd’s Twitter account. Pick one or the other or use them both, and they’ll give you a nice healthy dose of my daily dealings. However, there are some people who go way too far with all of it. They update it constantly, feeling the need to fill us in on every single mundane detail of their self-important lives. No, I don’t care to see the exact location you decided to dine at to fulfill your sushi craving. No, I do not care that you are stuck in traffic and the truck you are following has hazardous material stickers all over it. There is way too much information being put out there, as people whore themselves out for attention as much as possible. Now, that isn’t to say that all of this networking can’t be used for good, as Twitter was one of the primary catalysts in getting the word out as to what was happening in Iran surrounding their elections. It also blew up with news and information, quickly spreading the latest surrounding Michael Jackson’s death, as people were constantly updating the newest reports and developments, which kept those not able to get in front of a television but able to access Twitter in the loop. Over the weekend, it also spread information about the death of former NFL quarterback Steve McNair. However, there is plenty of bad that outweighs 
those rare positive instances in which these sites can be used to get information out instantly. Case in point – Miley Cyrus.
Normally, The Kidd is right there backing Miley Cyrus. I wouldn’t go so far as to call myself a fan. I’ve never watched her movies. I’ve never listened to her music. I only caught bits and pieces of her show, and that was primarily just to see who the fuck Hannah Montana even was, and why everyone was going crazy for her. But I do think this girl is unfairly criticized for a lot of the things she does that her fans, or more specifically her fans’ parents, might find a little less family-friendly than your average fare on the Disney Channel. I think this chick has a chance to be even bigger than she is now. I think that, while some may question her talent at times, she just has that “It.” She has that extra something that, for some reason, you can’t turn away from. However, on this day, Miley Cyrus will be getting no such support or defense from me, as Hannah Montana is just as guilty of some of this self-indulgence that far less important people have embraced… but she has done so in epic proportions (see… that’s how you use the word “epic,” you bunch of nerd posers).
Miley Cyrus took to her Twitter to inform the world over that she is single and not dating anyone. Now, you can choose to believe that she isn’t dating one of the Brothers Jonai if you want, but if you choose to accept that bullshit just because Miley Cyrus said so, you might just be a fuckin’ idiot. But that’s fine. If she wants to use social networking to “set the record straight” or clear up any rumors or reports, go right ahead. I don’t have any problem with that. It’s a way for you to get your own bit of relevant information out there, so that’s cool. However… there is no reason… ever… NEVER EVER… for Miley Cyrus to let songwriter Claude Kelly, whom she ate with earlier in the day, that she “Just let 
one stanky thing looooosee!!! Ewwwww vegan poopy nasstyy.” Ummmm…
I don’t even know what the fuck to say to that. I mean, clearly there is something wrong with Miley Cyrus to begin with… not because she wrote that, but because we all know that girls don’t poop. Don’t ask me the scientific hows, but we all know it just doesn’t happen. But why…? Why would someone, anyone feel the need to keep us updated about their bowel movements? I mean, you don’t see me taking to the blog telling you about the shit I am taking while I am actually writing this whole thing out. I mean, masturbation habits are one thing… but pooping is an entirely different beast altogether. She was actually one step short of explosive diarrhea… which I am sure she would have told everyone following her tweets about anyway if her ass just blew up all over the bathroom. No one should ever be so ready to let you know they just puked on themselves, pissed their pants, or just took some nasty vegan shit that literally required a shitload of toilet paper, numerous flushes, and the use of a plunger and some Liquid Plumber. When this chick turns 18, how does she expect me to possibly lust after her enough to maybe see some awful movie, when I know she is pulling hard on the towel rack to help her squeeze out a rough one that might just be coming out sideways? I mean, did she even wash her hands before rubbing her stanky hands all over her keyboard or phone to let us all know following that massive dump? Thanks, Miley Cyrus, for filling us in on these important details of your everyday life. I don’t know about you, but I know my day wasn’t complete without knowing what Hannah Montana’s butt hole was doing after her vegan meal. But now that we know the condition of her sphincter, I can move on, as I am no longer held back in not having all that information. What we definitely do know though is that, even if she is together with whichever one of those Jonas Brothers, butt sex is now off the table… and I’m pretty sure his cock is dead, too.
Anytime I get to write about Jessica Biel, it’s a good thing… even if it means revealing that she might be a bit on the overbearing side. She has long been together with Justin Timberlake, causing many dudes to hate that N’Sync-singing motherfucker, while numerous chicks want to cut this bitch for getting what they dreamed was their dick in a box. Well, there may be a chance that both sides 
get to celebrate, as the New York Daily News reports that things might be on some seriously shaky ground in this relationship. According to a source close to JT, “Things don’t look good for them right now – they’ve hit a really rock spot. Justin had to leave dinner once because Jessica was calling him incessantly. They got into a huge screaming match over the phone about how she’s always ‘checking up’ on him. She’s extremely needy and is always keeping tabs on him.” On top of that, “All his friends think she’s really annoying. She’s always trying to be one of the guys. She and Justin have no chemistry.” Okay, so she’s a bit fuckin’ crazy… have you seen her ass though…? I mean, the true benefit of writing about Jessica Biel is having to go through a bunch of pictures of her and getting to stare at photos of her ass. It’s magnificent… as if it were carved from marble or something, by the world’s greatest sculptor or carver or carpenter or whatever the fuck you call one of those guys. But clearly her ass isn’t in control here of what’s going on. If it was, there would be no need to check up on JT. If he strayed or stepped out of life, her buttocks would just crush the life out of him. Don’t believe me…? How else do you explain the disappearance of that preacher/father from “7th Heaven” then? Haven’t seen him since that show went off the air, have you…? Yeah, well, that’s what happens when you cross this chick’s ass. Besides, what are JT’s friends bitching about? A little bit of crazy isn’t that bad of a thing. He could have had a whole fuckin’ lot of crazy had he stuck it out with Britney Spears. They should be counting their lucky fuckin’ stars that he made this switch over. I really had no idea though that someone as ridiculously hot as Jessica Biel could feel so insecure about things. I guess that just shows The Kidd doesn’t know all that much about women… or boats… or the origin of the thong, for that matter… but I do know a lot of other more important stuff, like… well, stuff… so I guess we’ll just call it even. Anyway, if Jessica feels the need to talk or wants an ear to listen, all she has to do is drop a line to The Kidd, and I’m sure we can make some arrangements to chat. I’m always here to help… just remember though that 
I give some of my best advice when my pants are off. Oh, and I prefer to record some of our discussions for the record, so you may just have to speak into my custom-made microphone, so we can get everything on the record. Yes, I am aware that it just looks like a penis with a windscreen on it, but believe me… that’s a really expensive piece of audio equipment there. Hmmm… would you believe it a little more if it wasn’t coming out of my boxers?
Oh, would you look at that… it’s a double shot of Jessica Biel, as reports have her under consideration to be cast as the female love interest in “Thor.” So she might be in it… or she might not be. Wow… that’s some hardcore reporting. Don’t ever question our journalistic integrity when we bring you concrete stories like that. Oh, you want some facts…? “Thor” is a Marvel property that will be directed by Kenneth Branaugh and will star Chris Hemsworth as the title character. Now put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Variety is coming out to say that a movie adaptation of the William Shatner cop show “TJ Hooker” is in the works, with the director of “The Scorpion King” in negotiations to direct this one, too. Wow. I didn’t know anyone wanted to see a movie version of that show. Oh, they don’t…? Well, that explains it. Now, if we were talking about bringing “CHiPs,” I’m there… or “Who’s The Boss?” Fuckin’-A!!! Will someone get me a pen and some paper? I’ve got some much-needed scripts to write. “ALF”… “Night Court”… Mr. Belvedere”… I’m smelling some franchises on the horizon. Oh, no… wait… that was a fart. 
Hmmm… smelled like a franchise. What the fuck did I eat last night?
It is with a bit of sadness that The Kidd must bid farewell to Sarah Palin, who, on Friday, stepped down as the Governor of Alaska to go do whatever it is that she’s going to do now… flight attendant, porn star, waitress at Denny’s… you know, something she’s actually qualified for. Say what you want about her… she could have been the Vice President of the United States… we would have all been seriously fucked, but she could have. Anyway, goodbye, Sarah Palin. Love her or hate her, she always had something stupid to say, and really that’s what we’ll all miss the most. I hope she enjoys her time off, taking in the scenery of Russia from her house. Losing George W. Bush and Sarah Palin in the same year…? That’s like someone just taking Christmas away from you. Hopefully we don’t lose any other geniuses in the near future… I’d hate to actually have to do work rather than just sitting back and allowing them to make it so easy.
In all seriousness though, it is a bit sad to report on the death of former NFL star Steve McNair, as I mentioned earlier. The details continue to trickle out 
about this entire situation, and really the main lesson to be learned from all of it is that if you’re married, stay faithful, and don’t go finding girlfriends. If you do, you might wind up in a “Fatal Attraction” scenario, where you don’t end up safe and sound like Michael Douglas. This is really an unfortunate event, as Steve McNair was one helluva football player. He will be missed. I don’t know what the fuck’s been going on lately, but between Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Billy Mays, Michael Jackson, Steve McNair, and those poor people on the monorail at Disney World, is no one or nothing safe anymore?
Don’t forget that tomorrow night marks another preview episode of Infamous Radio, live at 8:00 p.m. EST, so hopefully you’ve cleared your evening to make room for those 60 minutes. In the meantime, make sure you check out the test run we had last week, as we build towards the eventual official launch. We should have a plan together for that very shortly, and, until we do, I’ll be leaving up those preview episodes for your listening consumption and enjoyment. That way, you can keep getting a regular taste for yourself of what to expect in due time. It’s on the way… I promise you… we are closer than you think.
Until tomorrow…
