Robert Pattinson Does Not Like Dudes… Or So He Says
If you just so happen to be a 14-year-old girl, you definitely know who Robert Pattinson is. If you also happen to be a 20-something fat girl who walks around with a Double-XL Team Edward shirt on four times a week, you are perhaps too familiar with who Robert Pattinson is, too. However, for those of you who were lucky enough to have never seen “Twilight,” saving two hours of your life and a few bucks in not exposing yourself to that awful piece of shit, Robert Pattinson is the lead vampire in the terrible movies based on the novels that can’t be that much better if they hatched this bad film saga. Pattinson plays Edward Cullen, the boring, uninterested, uncharismatic, and unattractive vampire that crosses over into a love affair with a teenage girl as nothing of any consequence happens throughout the story until like the last 20 minutes when the villain who we’ve only seen for about 45 whole seconds throughout the course of the 
rest of the story shows up and a fight happens and the end. Whew… I’m glad I gave you the shortened version of the movie, because if I tried to give you a whole column on that, I’d have just shoved hot pokers into my testicles while stabbing my eyes with toothpicks in order to make the pain of recalling that movie go away. Now, where was I? Oh, right…
Anyway, this guy who all the ridiculously obsessed “Twilight” fans swoon over is apparently not gay. During an interview with MTV News, Pattinson blurted out that he was gay, but according to The Enquirer, his close friend Marcus Foster told the magazine, “His gay confession – it’s just a silly joke… Rob did it just for fun… Put it this way. I know Rob very well, and the girls have nothing to worry about. He’s not gay.” Oh, man… what a joker. He totally got us all. I never would have thought he was gay considering he appeared to be wearing lipstick in every single scene in that “Twilight” movie and every time I see a picture of him, he just appears to be looking for cock. Wow… glad he settled that whole dispute, because there’s no way his friend tried to set the record straight only after they exchanged handjobs in the back. Look… I don’t really care one way or the other. It really isn’t any of The Kidd’s business who is doing who and what they’d like to keep private. I don’t care about that “American Idol” guy and whether or not he’s gay… probably because I couldn’t give a shit about “American Idol” to begin with, but, even if I did (which would require me to kill myself), I wouldn’t care. However, when some douchebag like this comes out and makes a joke out of the struggle that millions deal with every day about their 
sexual identity… well, fuck ‘em… they’ve got it coming to them, in more ways we could ever possibly imagine.
I’m actually hoping that Robert Pattinson is all about the wang though, if only to break the hearts of each and every one of these fuckin’ “Twilight” fans that take their fandom way too far. I actually watched a video of some girl crying while watching the trailer for the 2nd “Twilight” movie, “New Moon.” Yes, crying… I also got shown another compilation video of different groups of girls reacting to their first viewing of the trailer. Shrieks and screams and threats at the characters… don’t these sad people realize this is just a movie made by actors doing their jobs… badly, I might add? There is no Bella. There is no Edward. There is no weird creepy Indian that turns into a CGI wolf. Camera tricks and bad special effects make them appear to run that fast or jump that far. None of it is real, except for the fact that Robert Pattinson might just be into dudes… literally… not that there’s anything wrong with that, unless you are one of these crazed “Twilight” fans who have based your entire life around the idea that Robert Pattinson, or at least the fictional character he portrays, is the man of your dreams. They might want to get themselves ready for disappointment, in case Pattinson really turns out to be gay. However, knowing them, they’ll be into it, since they seem to get very excited about anything with the “Twilight” name on it that sucks. Ohhh… ZING!!! Or they could dive into a deep depression and not know what to do with themselves, almost like I did when I found out that Angelina Jolie was into chicks. I was so upset that I threw a party and pleasured myself for four days straight. As you can tell, I was very distraught.
Do you know who’s definitely not gay though? Jada Pinkett smith and the Fresh Prince. As per Jada’s interview with RedBook magazine, they do it like rabbits anywhere and everywhere. “Be sneaky… your girlfriend’s house at a party. The bathroom. A Bedroom… Think of places outside that are comfortable to have 
sex.” She also adds, “Does he have access to his office? Have a fantasy date. Be his secretary. Pull over on the side of the road… Just switch it up… Anything like that can keep it going. Anything it takes to keep the flame alive.” I used to think Will Smith was a pussy. I mean, I still do, but at least now he’s a pussy that is absolutely banging the shit out of Jada Pinkett Smith. Not bad for a guy who made “Wild Wild West.” This pair is a plenty kinky and definitely quite dirty, so more power to them. However, more power might be needed for the Smith’s friends, too… like extra-strength OxyClean or something. Sure it was nice to have them over for that dinner party, but it isn’t a trade-off for the fact that I might have rolled over into Will Smith’s jizz when I went to bed. That’s not cool. No wonder I thought the pot roast tasted a bit like ass as well. Should I even bother sitting on the toilet seat, or should I just go ahead and get it replaced now? I think it’s great that they want to maintain the flame, keep the spark going in their marriage, but not at the risk of damage to my major appliances. Can’t these people have sex in some of the places that normal people get it on at all the time…? Like the beach, or a highway rest stop, or in front of that camera with the red light on that is clearly not recording, sweetheart. That’s just the battery charging.
Victoria Beckham is irrelevant again, having had breast reduction surgery and 
downgrading to a 34B. The Sun reports that Victoria has wanted her DD implants taken out for awhile. She felt that was part of her old image, with the big hair, big boos, and fake tan, and that she has moved on from that. So the least talented Spice Girl who wound up carrying around the biggest breasts wants to eliminate the very thing that had me interested in anything she was doing to begin with? Who’s advising this chick? Next they’re going to tell her that people actually want to hear her sing and that it’s wise to keep her vagina covered at all times. Amateurs. Too bad for you, Posh Spice. I guess it wasn’t important to you for The Kidd to even remember who you are or what you… wait… who was I talking about? I forgot already. Oh well… moving on…
Ryan Reynolds appears on the cover of the new issue of Entertainment Weekly in order to promote his new movie “The Proposal,” where you are expected to believe that a guy who is actually married to Scarlett Johansson would ever 
touch Sandra Bullock. The main story features 115 things you can’t miss this summer, which apparently includes the chance to wash clothes on Ryan Reynolds’ stomach. So thanks, Ryan Reynolds, for stepping up and taking some of the pressure off. You don’t know how many loads of laundry I try to get through in a single day for these ungrateful people. They have washers and dryers, but it’s always the same thing. “Please, Kidd, can we watch you scrub them clean on your amazing abs?” What am I going to do? Say no? It starts to be a little much when they start bringing pots and pans, too, but what can I say? These things just aren’t going to clean themselves. Now if only I could get someone to help me out with ripping all of these phonebooks in half, I’d be set.
Olivia Munn has been cast as someone in next summer’s “Iron Man 2,” which is shooting right this very second. There is no word yet as to what role she’ll be playing, but, if there is any justice in this world after her upcoming clothed pictorial in Playboy, she’s been cast as “Hot Naked Chick With Full-Frontal Nudity Who Bends Over On-Screen A Lot.” Come on, Jon Favreau. You’re so money that we all know it… and we’re counting on you to do the right thing. Make it happen, Gutter.
Finally, everyone keeps waiting to hear what the follow-up in Gotham City will be to “The Dark Knight.” However, if the site Batman-On-Film is to believed, we might not be going that much further, at least not with director Christopher Nolan 
leading the way. They report that the death of Heath Ledger “rocked Nolan hard, and that the Joker absolutely was meant to return for Bats 3.” They also say that the events surrounding “The Dark Knight” have caused Nolan to choose to move on from the Batman franchise, with 2012 being the soonest we could possibly see another movie with the Caped Crusader, with 2013 more the likely scenario. Nolan is at work right now on “Inception” starring Leonardo DiCaprio, so I’m sure Batman is the last thing on his mind, but sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder in these situations. Perhaps some time away from the Bat Cave will put things into perspective for Nolan, as he has long held the position that if there is a worthwhile story to be told in a 3rd Batman flick, he’d be more than willing to do it. For now, this is all rumor and speculation until Nolan comes out and says he’s out. However, let’s hope that the death of Heath Ledger doesn’t also mean the death of Batman on-screen. Nolan took us from nipples on the Batsuit and Mr. Freeze Schwarzenegger to a world where we could actually believe a billionaire with parent issues would dress up as a bat in order to fight crime. While I would love to see where things might go next after “The Dark Knight,” I am less than thrilled at the prospect that we might have to see it out of the carefully crafting hands of Christopher Nolan.
Until tomorrow…
Have a pleasant immediate future.
Peace.
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