Save The Cheerleader… Save The World
The Kidd remembers sitting down and watching the entire first season of “Heroes” on DVD over the course of four days. It was good. It hooked me. The show had me interested and constantly wanting to see more, hence my self-made marathon to get it all in as quickly as possible. The 2nd season sits unwatched amongst my DVD collection and the 3rd season is taking up a lot of room on my DVR just waiting for me to find the time to get all caught up. I know… I know… I’ve heard that the show goes from good to bad to worse over the course of all that time, so it almost feels as if I am avoiding making a serious time investment, because I don’t want to subject myself to disappointment. Then again, maybe I 
will, because if there is one thing that could always save the show for me, it’s Hayden Panettiere. After all, save the cheerleader, save the world, right?
An attractive cheerleader who is part cute and probably part dirty slut (I mean, we are talking about a high school cheerleader here, are we not?) should be the focus of any show, especially one where she winds up being indestructible and the key to the future… at least when your other options are Milo Venti-something and Sylar Spock and the Asian guy who can stop time, which is pretty cool by the way, but I already saw that plenty years ago with Zack Morris. So, The Kidd thinks it only serves “Heroes” better to spread the knowledge that Hayden Panettiere would totally take it all off and get naked for the show. Wait… she can’t, because it’s on NBC…? Damn you, cruel world!!! Further proof that all shows should have versions on HBO. They’ve been right this whole time… it’s not just TV. It’s HBO… which used to stand for Home Box Office, but now probably just means something about full-frontal nudity.
In an interview with E!, the cheerleader let all of her bored and disgruntled “Heroes” fans that she is down for some nude scenes. “I’m cool with my body, and I’m cool running around undressed and all that stuff, but there are just certain things that not everyone needs to know, that you need to keep somehow private and personal to you. But you never know, you never know. I could be 30 years old and just be like, ‘Screw it – I want to take it all off. I better take a picture of this baby before it all goes.’” It’s amazing the things you have in common with people you’ve never met but still dream about having sex with. The Kidd is cool with her body. The Kidd is cool with her running around undressed and all that stuff. The Kidd is also fine with keeping her vagina 
private and personal to me. Is there a better way anyway? I didn’t think so. So, who knows what we might get to see down the line. This is why this chick needs to be kept working, because, if she stops acting, our chances of seeing the good decreases a great deal. Therefore, if we save the cheerleader, we save the world… in my pants. It really is a mess in there… bad economy, unemployment, foreclosures… it needs some saving and quick.
We almost got Hayden Panettiere to flash it all in her upcoming movie “I Love You, Beth Cooper,” but a bare back is what we’ll have to settle for. “I was really naked. I had these little sticky petals on my boobs, but that was about it. My dad calls me such an exhibitionist. He always says, ‘God, even when you were little, you were such an exhibitionist!’” Well, I guess that just proves that no matter how hard you try, you just can’t escape the fact that you once masturbated with a hairbrush in front of the family right before Christmas dinner, or so I imagine that’s something her exhibitionism has in common with mine. Just remember, everyone… exhibitionism is a disease, even when you’re 23 years old and should know better. What can I say…? Sometimes my penis just needs fresh air, Grandma.
At this point now, The Kidd really feels bad for that man-child that tried to give that rose to Megan Fox at the London premiere for that robotic suckfest known to others more commonly as “Transformers: Revenge of Michael Bay’s Shitty Filmmaking.” Fox had seen the photo and felt bad about it, going so far as to issue an apology to the poor bastard. Then Kodak came out and offered up a financial reward to anyone who could identify him, so they could arrange for 
another meeting, allowing him to finally deliver his gift to Megan Fox. They found him… his name is Harvey Kindlon, and he’s 11… which just goes to show you that these kids’ boobs are developing younger and younger these days. So Kodak flies him out to New York with the hopes that he’d get to meet Megan Fox on Friday at the TODAY show. But guess what…? Michael Jackson died, and Megan Fox was bumped from the show. Fuckin’-A!!! Even in death, Michael Jackson is still screwing little boys. Sorry… I know… I’m supposed to remain classy through this all, but that one was just too easy. In any event, Fox hopped back on a plane for L.A., and the meeting never took place. To make matters even worse now, Page Six is reporting that Kodak never had any solid arrangement for this fat kid to meet Fox on the show, and that they basically flew him out in the off-chance that this whole thing might go down. A rep for “TODAY” even went so far as to say, “Harvey was never scheduled to appear and we don’t plan to have him on.” Let this cautionary tale be a lesson to you all… never try to do something nice and public to display your affection for anyone, because you will just be exploited and taken advantage of. Instead, just sit in the corner whacking off furiously as you make heavy breathing sounds into the phone onto their voicemail. After all, that’s the 
only true way to ever really express your feelings… and get served with an order of protection, but really… isn’t that just a documented version of your love…? Yeah, the judge didn’t buy that one either. Wait… what…? That’s two stories in a row that ended with jerking-off as their ultimate conclusions. Either I’ve got a problem, or I need some new material… or I could just go for a turkey sandwich. Yep, that’s the one. Pass the mayo please.
Emma Watson is on the cover of this month’s Elle Magazine, in order to promote the new Harry Potter movie “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.” And from the looks of it… oh, man… start up the countdown until she turns 18. Too creepy…? Hmmm… from the looks of it, she is working hard in order to make sure the movie’s latest installment is a success at the box office, opening up future opportunities for her as she displays her acting abilities in transforming from a child into a grown woman. Better…? Okay. I think we’re done here then, fuckin’ sensitive Muggles.
Some pictures have leaked out from Mariah Carey’s new music video for the first single “Obsessed,” and what surprises The Kidd the most is that they all seem to have Mariah Carey cross-dressing as a dude… a very convincing looking dude. See, trannies… it is possible to actually look like the sex you are trying to turn 
into… even with the fact that you have giant balls and an Adam’s apple… not that I was ever fooled to begin with, at least not after I realized you smelled like Old Spice. Anyway, the song and video are from her new album “memoirs of an Imperfect angel.” Imperfect Angel, huh? I guess it isn’t just a clever title for a chick that may or may not have a dick. I guess only Nick Cannon’s asshole knows for sure. Hurry up… someone grab a microphone, and let’s lock down that exclusive interview. Eat your heart out, Entertainment Tonight… only The Kidd is able to maintain his journalistic integrity by sitting down to talk with celebrity anuses. Or is it anai? I think it should be anai. Dictionary…?!
Chris Brown was supposed to perform at the BET Awards the other night, in order to pay tribute to Michael Jackson, but the kibosh was put on the idea at the last minute by producers. And it looks like Jay-Z and Reverend Al Sharpton were the ones masterminding the whole cancellation. The NY Daily News reports that, according to one source, “Al made such a fuss to the BET executives that they pulled Chris.” Also, Jay-Z brushed some dirt off his shoulder onto those 
same decision-makers to let them know he wouldn’t be pleased with Chris Brown dancing his woman-beating ass all over the stage. “jay is a big name in the BET community, and he was very vocal about his displeasure with Chris attending the ceremony. He didn’t want Chris anywhere near the awards so close to the court’s ruling.” Hmmm… I know it seems like a tough decision, but I think BET made the right one in siding with the guy who bangs Beyonce as opposed to the one who would beat her. I mean, isn’t that the very definition of H to the Izzo? No…? Well, then can someone please tell me what the fuck that actually means? And what is this shit about spendin’ cheese? What stores take slices of Swiss to purchase HDTVs? Will someone please fill me in? Of course, Chris Brown isn’t too happy about being told to stay away at the last second. “He’s furious,” a friend of his told the Daily News. “BET asked him to perform and waited until the last minute to tell him it was off. He’s pretty shocked and outraged right now.” Oh, yeah… well, let me tell you, Chris Brown, who is pretty shocked and outraged… The Infamous Billy The Kidd, that’s who. Why? Because suddenly Chris Brown got cool again by wearing a diamond Stormtrooper’s helmet around his neck. Son of a bitch!!! How do I get one of those bad boys? I have to smack the shit out of Rihanna, too…? Fine, but only if George Lucas films it, and releases it with multiple special editions later on that we can all cash in on. Deal. Hey, Rihanna, have I ever shown you my dashboard up close…
(Note: The Kidd does not condone violence against women under any circumstances… unless those circumstances involve getting a diamond Stormtrooper’s helmet to wear around your… HEY, LOOK OVER THERE…!!)
**SMACK!!**
Finally, the remake express continues to roll along, now with Variety reporting that “The Bodyguard” is the next one to fall. Well, that’s nice. At least it’ll be a nice tribute to Whitney Houston. Huh…? Whitney Houston is still alive… even after all that crack and being married to Bobby Brown…? Fuck that then. If 
Whitney Houston can come through all of that untouched, then so should her movie. Miley Cyrus and Hugh Jackman are the ones set to slide into the roles of Whitney and Kevin Costner in what is being titled “Personal Security.” The story will have Jackman playing a NYC police detective who is forced to become the bodyguard of a spoiled teen heiress who is involved in a kidnap threat. Now normally I don’t have a problem with Hannah Montana, and I am good with Hugh Jackman, as long as he figures out a way to yell like Wolverine at some point in whatever he’s in, but does anyone else get the sick feeling that this is the chance for Miley’s day, Billy Ray, to make his big comeback attempt by covering “I Will Always Love You” for the soundtrack? For fuck’s sake, “The Bodyguard” just came out in 1992, and already it’s getting the remake treatment. What the fuck is next? Where will the line be drawn? Let me guess… “Transformers 2″ just made a shitload of money, and it’s already old considerng it came out last week. Let’s make it happen, people.
Tuesday night means “Better Off Ted” on ABC, so make sure to tune into that one at 9:30 p.m. EST. This show gets The Kidd seal of approval, and that’s a hard honor to achieve, as really only 5492 other things have it, but trust me… they were honored, too. You absolutely must watch it, because your life depends on it. Okay, so maybe it doesn’t, but, if you don’t watch it, you might not want to walk in front of any busses over the next couple of days, not that you should be walking in front of a moving bus anyway, but… well, you get the idea… just watch the fuckin’ show.
Until tomorrow…
