The Jonas Brothers Can Be Seduced

The Jonas Brothers Can Be Seduced

The Kidd will probably never get the Jonas Brothers. Granted, their music sucks, and there is no accounting for good taste. However, I understand the appeal of boy bands. After all, teenage girls need something, or shall I say someone, to teach them how their vaginas work, so slap together a group of semi-attractive dudes with different styles and marginal musical talent, and watch the money just roll in. But what the Jonas Brothers are is not only an insult to me, but a slap in the face of humanity? Here you have a trio of kids living the rock star life. They have millions of girls at their mercy, swooning over every little thing they do. If one of these kids reaches back and digs in his ass, some girl is bound to pass out and dream about smelling his fingers. They’ve got teenage girls willing to throw their virginity at them. They’ve got moms of both the MILF and non-MILF variety willing to do whatever it takes for their daughters to meet these kids, including some things I’ve pretty sure are illegal and other things not even the sickest, kinkiest motherfuckers are willing to cross off their list. They have such tremendous opportunities that any sane teenage boy could only dream about having, and yet it is all wasted on these three kids. They run around with purity rings, holding true to some promise to remain sexless until after marriage. What the fuck kind of a rock star is that? Sometimes I just play Rock Band, in the hopes that pretending to be a rock star in my own living room might get me laid. But these kids actually get to play actual rock star every single night, and it is all lost on them. It really makes me a bit sad. Teenage boys with the opportunity to have sex every single night, and yet they don’t. There’s just something not right about that. No matter Miley Cyrus isn’t dating one of these kids anymore. Regardless of what she says, you just know that at some point that girl was going to want some dick, even if it just meant seeing it.

Well, for all this bullshit, not even their mom thinks it’ll last. In Good Housekeeping, Denise Jonas told the magazine, “They are men. They have desires. They have testosterone. If they make a mistake, I’m not going to hate them. I don’t think they are above or below being seduced. I would be foolish if I thought that. I pray for them.” What kind of heartless bitch is Mom Jonas? She understands that girls everywhere want to molest her kids, and she understands if they would finally give into such tempting offers, but yet she still prays for neither of them to get their weiners touched. I’ve seen some serious cockblocks in my day, but one calling for divine intervention…? That’s some fucked-up shit right there. Look, I realize getting together for a gang-bang of Lady GaGa is not the way to go. However, right now, what they are doing, or… let me rephrase… what they are not doing is just downright irresponsible. Why even have a dick if you’re not going to use it? There are people all around the world without dicks, as a result of farming accidents and extreme sports, who don’t get a choice. And the Jonas Brothers are spitting in their faces, mocking them every single day they walk around with their useless junk. They’d be better off just cutting them off and donating them to someone who wouldn’t waste it. In fact, lose the purity rings, and let’s make a new pledge. If, after one year, all three of the Jonas Brothers haven’t banged some hot chick, then they must give up the rights and possession of their wangs to some charitable foundation that finds working sexual organs for those without. I’m pretty sure such an organization has to exist. Do the right thing, boys. You’ll better about yourselves whichever way you want to go on this, although I would recommend the sex over the dick loss. I’ve never had my unit cut off, but I can only imagine it is nowhere near as pleasurable as the sex choice.

It looks like the whole Bruno/Eminem incident at the MTV Movie Awards was staged, at least according to Eminem it was. After having Bruno fall from the rafters and land on Eminem with his ass in Slim Shady’s face, Em’s entourage batted Sacha Baron Cohen’s character around as Eminem got up from his seat and left the ceremony, appearing pissed at what just transpired. Well, that was all part of the plan. Talking to RapRadar.com, Eminem revealed how the idea was hatched. “Sacha called me when we went to Europe and he had an idea to do something outrageous at the Movie Awards. I’m a big fan of his work so I agreed to get involved with the gag. I’m thrilled that we pulled this off better than we rehearsed it. It had so many people going ‘nuts,’ so to speak. Everyone was blowing me up about it.” When asked where he went after he left the auditorium, he said, “After the ceremony I went back to my hotel and laughed uncontrollably for about three hours. Especially after I saw it on-air.” I guess that puts a definitive stamp on the question of whether the whole scenario was staged or not. While I can see where the situation benefits Cohen for the upcoming release of “Bruno,” I am still not sure what Eminem gets out of it. Like I said, my initial reaction was that Eminem was a dick with no sense of humor who couldn’t take a joke, considering all the people he has slammed in his lyrics over the years. Besides, isn’t the whole point of a joke or a prank to be funny, because the delivery on this one was neither. At least now that the record has been set straight, we can move on to never having to talk about this whole thing ever again.

Ashlee Simpson is a crazy bitch who should stay away from the booze. There, I said it. Reports have come out via Perez Hilton that Jessica’s less-talented sister went after her husband Pete Wentz’s ex Michelle Trachtenberg at a DJ Hero event and concert in L.a. earlier this week. The shindig was to promote the release of the upcoming DJ Hero video game and also featured live performances by Jay-Z and Eminem. According to eyewitness accounts, the evening started out civilly with Pete and Ashlee talking with Michelle and her date for close to 20 minutes. And then Ashlee got fuckin’ retarded. As the evening went on, Simpson got more and more fucked-up, to the point where she started giving her husband a lap dance. At this point, she was reported to be staring straight at Trachtenberg and began to insult her, such as “I hope you know, the whole time you were dating Pete, I was fucking him!” Michelle only responded with “I’ve never said bad things about you. I’m happy for you guys.” Ashlee’s drunk ass was finally dragged away before the altercation could escalate any further. Clearly, one of these ladies is too classy for words, and I’d let you guess which one, but I wouldn’t want you to look like an asshole if you actually thought it was the one with the nose job who had a kid named Bronx Mowgli while being married to the guy from Fall Out Boy who drinks his own piss. To make matters even more entertaining, Ashlee’s publicist has come out in a statement to say that the scenario has been greatly exaggerated. “It was just a misunderstanding. Ashlee has since apologized to Michelle, and they remain on good terms.” I’m not really sure how one could misunderstand a claim that Ashlee Simpson was screwing around with your boyfriend while you were dating. I’m no rocket scientist, but I think the message was pretty clear there. I’m not really sure how that could be any type of misunderstanding, unless they want me to believe Ashlee was talking to someone else, which is impossible. That would mean Pete Wentz has actually had sex with three real live females, and that should just be some type of crime. I don’t know what Ashlee Simpson’s deal is, but clearly she has some deep-seeded issues. She really should seek some help, because the answer is definitely not at the bottom of a liquor bottle. It’s also not at the bottom of a bottle barbeque sauce like her sister Jessica thinks, but I can only deal with one problem at a time. At least they are on good terms though, which is where I always like to be with alcoholic psychos who reveal their slutty histories to me. Oh, man… if you only knew my friends. What a bunch of fun-loving, good-hearted people.

It’s time to get out your sharpies, because there are some important dates to be marked down on your calendar. You’d better do it now, or you just might forget, and then we’ll have to point and laugh as you aren’t up on what’s happening. September 11, 2009 – that’s the date that Jay-Z will release his long-awaited album “Blueprint 3. April 15, 2011 – that’s opening day for the Stretch Armstrong movie. Guess which one I’m excited for? Okay… okay… guess which one I’m more excited for? Of course… the Jay-Z album. What do I look like…? A fuckin’ idiot…? Don’t answer that. It was rhetorical.

I have been behind all week, but today I am determined to catch up. Expect to read “The Kidd Vs. The Hangover” sometime today. I’m not lying this time, or else you can call me a liar, in which case I’ll punch you in the face, but at least you can take pride in the fact that you called me a liar before that happened.

Until tomorrow…

Have a pleasant immediate future.

Peace.