The Kidd Vs. Labor Pains
Lindsay Lohan made a movie, and it is only fitting that, during the summer movie season, such a blockbuster would see the light of day. Maybe I misspoke. It isn’t a blockbuster in the sense that it has a ridiculous amount of special effects, lots of action, a well-respected cast, or an interesting story… because this movie has none of those attributes. It is more a blockbuster in that Lindsay Lohan made it through the filming of an entire film without getting into trouble once… but maybe she should have. The Kidd would have “Labor Pains” not so painful had it featured a few scenes with Lindsay Lohan wandering around the set drunk, looking for cans of Red Bull that have run away and hidden themselves from her, while her real-life shemale significant other, Samantha Ronson, does her/his best to convince us that’s not Lindsay’s cocaine on her wang. Sure, it would have been fucked-up… but at least it would have been watchable.
Now, you’re probably asking yourself – why haven’t I even heard of this movie before? Well, do you normally pay attention to straight-to-television movies that air on ABC Family? No…? Then there’s your answer. Lindsay Lohan has become so unemployable that the only people willing to give her a shot at this time are, ironically, ABC Family. To go one step beyond that, Lindsay Lohan has become so unemployable that the only movies she is able to score these days are pure, absolute, and total shit… like “Labor Pains.” And you thought it was bad when she played that stripper that doesn’t strip. Well, it just got a whole lot worse.
here’s the premise straight off my DVR – In an attempt to save her job, a woman whose about to be fired lies to her boss and tells him she’s pregnant. As she continues with the ruse, it begins to spin out of control. The movie is labeled a comedy, but The Kidd always thought for a film to be considered a comedy, it actually had to be funny… at least one part, one scene, one moment… can I get one fuckin’ second? I’ll settle for a laugh, a giggle, a chuckle, something… but no, not in this movie. The only real benefit to this movie is that it lucks out in going straight-to-television. Yeah, that way it has commercial breaks, giving you a few minutes to contemplate whether or not you really want to go back to watching this, or if you’d rather do something a bit more useful with your time… like stabbing yourself in the fuckin’ face. I’m just lucky (or unlucky, depending how you perceive it) I had alcohol handy to help me make it through, which is more than I can say for some other poor bastards who may have actually attempted to watch this movie entirely sober.
You’d think that by using the lie-taken-too-far story arc that some hilarity might ensue, as it usually does, wouldn’t you? Of course you would, and, in the case of “Labor Pains,” you’d be dead wrong. I wonder if the writers of this movie actually thought what they were putting on the page was funny. To its credits, I think this is the first movie I’ve ever seen to use the word “weirdo” on not one, not two, but three different occasions, so it’s at least got that going for it. Seriously… who writes this shit? On top of that, who acts in shit like this, except people in desperate need to pay bills and people in desperate need of career revival, which is a bit of a Catch-22, because they want to be taken seriously again, but how can you take someone seriously when you seem them in horse shit like this.
Of course the pregnant lie leads to a promotion, which leads to a love affair with a co-worker/boss who will ultimately be made to look like a fool when their deception is revealed in some big public scene. It’s all very familiar, which is unfortunate, because you’d think they would have at least stolen some of the good parts of other movies that have followed this formula much better. However, then you’d be thinking with logic and reason, which have no place in any discussion about “Labor Pains.”
The big question about the movie, of course, is how is Lindsay. Well, The Kidd can say that she’s about as good as Lindsay Lohan can be expected to be in a complete waste of time movie. In fact, you get the sense that she’s the most talented person in the movie in every scene she’s in, which might not be saying much, since everyone else in the movie sucks, but, then again, beggars can’t be choosers when it comes to the compliments here. Lindsay shows that she can still act, which really shows how talented she is, considering the material she is working with here. Plus, as an added bonus, you get a couple of scenes with Lindsay Lohan in lingerie, and she doesn’t look too bad… not too bad at all, if The Kidd may say so. She still looks a little too skinny, but she’s still looking pretty good. See… that’s what happens when you remain sober long enough, which is a feat in and of itself, considering that any normal person would have been fucked-up beyond belief in order to justify being a part of this movie for just one more day.
Chris Parnell plays her dick of a boss, and, in doing so, proves that not all of the blame can be placed on his writers at “Saturday Night Live” for him not being funny, because… well, he’s just not funny, and that is on clear display here. Cheryl Hines of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” fame plays Lohan’s secretary co-worker who encourages the continuation of the pregnancy lie in the beginning but is then so surprised when it goes too far. It’s really too bad that this is what the funny Hines has been reduced to, and, between this movie and that cancelled “Motherhood” show, the worst thing that seems to have happened to her career is Larry David’s real-life divorce. Somehow, Jay Thomas got roped into making this thing, as one of the other employees at the publishing company, and… is that Creed from “The Office”? Man, they really were willing to put just about anyone in this movie, weren’t they?
There’s a minor sidestory concerning Lohan’s younger sister, and… oh, who really fuckin’ cares? This movie is bad. There’s no real need to get that in-depth about everything that’s going on. Lohan lies to everyone in this movie – other pregnant women who identify with her only to find out they’ve been lied to, the love interest who just so happens to be the accountant who gets to take over the company while the boss is away, the chick from “Ugly Betty” who throws her a baby shower. That’s about as detailed as you really need, because anything more and you’ll feel like you watched this, and you don’t deserve that. I already saw it. That should be enough punishment for all of us. Oh, yeah… did i mention Janeane Garofalo is here, too, as the host of some ripoff of “The View”? I wonder if she’s laughing over her paycheck or crying over the fact that this one is on her resume now.
Usually when you watch For-TV movies, you expect them to be bad… but not this bad. Do people have no pride in their work whatsoever anymore? If you happen to be flipping through channels, and you see “Labor Pains” is coming on… don’t do it… or, fuck it… do it, so you can see for yourself just how awful this thing truly is. Why not? Misery loves company.
The Kidd would like to take a moment though to thank whoever made the decision to not release this in a theatre anywhere at any time. That just saved a lot of people a helluva lot of aggravation… and money probably, too… but most importantly, they did a good thing for the environment, because if electricity had to be wasted on running this suckfest in empty theatres, that would have been unforgivable. In addition, some career advice for the movie’s writer Stacey Kramer and writer/director Lara Shapiro: DO SOMETHING ELSE WITH YOUR LIVES!!! Anyone who actually thinks their talented when they put their mind to it and churn out this steaming pile of dog shit needs to reexamine their path in life. And, from the looks of it, after witnessing this movie, you might want to do something you’re more qualified for, like killing yourselves and putting us out of our misery from having to maybe one day see another piece of “entertainment” you created.
I should have known it was all over when Lindsay Lohan’s boyfriend was the strange Asian guy from “Disturbia” and “21″ and “Friday the 13th.” I guess it’s only makes sense that he was the strange Asian guy here, too, but I can’t buy into some movie where Lindsay Lohan is fucking the strange Asian guy, so they lost me pretty early on… like right after the credits. However, The Kidd toughed it out for you, so I could give you a proper review of “Labor Pains,” and not because I had any interest in seeing a new movie starring Lindsay Lohan, who very recently I would have totally had a love affair with. See… the things I do for you. The good news in all of this is that Lindsay Lohan can still act. The bad news is that this is the type of stuff you can expect to keep seeing her in, until she turns her life around. So, if you’re a Lindsay Lohan fan, we’re… I mean, you’re just going to have to suck it up from now on, because it can only get worse. I don’t know how that’s actually possible, but it is. “Labor Pains” is not only painful, and not only a labor to watch, but it isn’t even on the way to delivering a beautiful baby at the end. It’s more like a bowel movement that feels like birth, and I would explain further, but I think you get the point.
