The Kidd Vs. Piranha 3D
CAUTION: SPOILERS AHEAD
What exactly are you expecting out of PIRANHA 3D? Are you looking for some highly intelligent, well-scripted, tremendously acted piece of cinema? Or are you looking for an over-the-top outrageous flick about piranha that take over a lake during Spring Break, and attempt to eat everyone who enters its waters? Because, if it’s the latter, you are in luck, as PIRANHA 3D is one helluva fun time at the movies, because there isn’t a moment of the film that takes itself seriously. How can it? It’s about prehistoric piranha that are looking to take advantage of the college co-ed buffet that’s been put in front of them. As a result, you get all the over-acting you could ever need, all the 3-D boobies you could ever want, and blood, death, and gore galore. What more could you ask for?
From the opening moments when you get to see Richard Dreyfuss give a wink and a nod to his character from JAWS, you know you’re in for something that should have you smiling throughout. An earthquake opens up a rift in the floor of Lake Victoria, creating a lake beneath the lake, where it just so happens eggs of a particular breed of piranha that hasn’t been seen in thousands of years are growing. They hatch Spring Break, a huge event and economic boom to the local community, and it’s eating time for the fish as they’ve got the taste of fresh meat at every turn.
I don’t even know where to begin, because there’s not much to PIRANHA 3D other than the piranha eating people. Numerous character types are introduced like the geeky kid that wants the girl who’s probably out of his league, the girl who is probably out of the geeky kid’s league but who likes him anyway, the younger children in danger, the sheriff in charge, the science guy, and of course the dude who clearly knows way too much about piranha but offers up just the right amount of information to make sure things don’t really go overboard. However, there are so many of them that none of them really get any depth, or a worthwhile side story for that matter… but is that really important? After all, you want piranha eating people. The dialogue is what you’d expect for PIRANHA 3D – hammy and cheesy, making for a delicious sandwich of lines that’ll have you quoting “Put your ass on the glass” for quite some time.
It is awesome to see Elisabeth Shue, Christopher Lloyd, Ving Rhames, and Dreyfuss back to work, as the nostalgia from watching them in movies past brings plenty of enjoyment in seeing them involved in a movie like this that only serves to be something fun and enjoyable. Adam Scott has to go a bit more serious in the more serious role of the scientist, but how serious can a guy be hitting a piranha-filled league on a jetski while wielding a shotgun? Exactly.
Jessica Szohr, Kelly Brook, and Riley Steele more than make up for the hottie quotient themselves in a movie that’s the first to really take advantage of what the power of 3-D was made to do – show off jiggling boobies and shakin’ asses. But, as the featured actresses, they are both a pleasure to look at and also watch in action, as I don’t know that you can get much better than a scene I’ll just refer to as the nude underwater ballet.
Jerry O’Connell absolutely steals the flick as Derrick Jones, the Joe Francis-like creator of the Girls Gone Wild-like brand Wild Wild Girls, which is out on Spring Break looking to shoot as much video of as many drunk girls getting as naked as they possibly can. And, I know what you’re thinking? How can any movie where Jerry O’Connell steals the show be worth a shit? Come on… it’s Jerry O’Connell, Kidd. I am well aware, but he plays up this obnoxiously rude, all T&A larger-than-life personality who feels he can do what he wants when he wants to do it, all because he films girls getting topless every day of him, beautifully, and he is a ball to watch. It’s his interaction with the piranha that will have you engaged in a civil war within yourself, as you fight between the shock value and the hilarity of how he gets involved, but wherever you come down on it, it is priceless.
There is no shortage of blood in PIRANHA 3D in the least bit. However, one of The Kidd’s biggest problems with PIRANHA 3D was how most of it was spilled. The piranha attacks are actually a bit on the underwhelming side, with most of their feedings taking place in enormous packs of CGI fish, which doesn’t lend itself to anything more than quick cuts here and there of various piranha taking bites. Most of the gore you’ll see is the aftermath of their actions, so, at times, things feel a bit detached, since you never get a good clean look a the piranha satisfying their hunger. In addition, a few of the best kills that take place in PIRANHA 3D are non-piranha related. Some involve a free-swinging wire or a boat or a boat engine, but out of the countless victims on this particular Spring Break, I can probably count only 3 truly awesome piranha deaths. But, if you don’t care where the deaths come from or how they’re delivered, then you’ll have no beef with piranha. Faces will be ripped off, limbs will be eaten through to the bone, and the top halves of people will be removed from their bottom halves… and when they all happen, you take joy in it, because it’s all presented with fun.
The 3-D actually looks great, being that the flick was shot in the format, and didn’t go through some post-conversion for the purpose of just slapping the 3-D name on it. The depth of field is solid, and while there aren’t any real gags of things coming out at your face, can one really argue when 3-D boobs are put in their place?
In the tradition of SNAKES ON A PLANE, PIRANHA 3D borders on the ridiculous, and is all the better for it. It’s not looking to win awards (although its For Your Consideration video might argue with that), and it’s not looking for critical acclaim. What it is looking to do though is make sure you have a lot of fun while watching it, to make sure you are thoroughly entertained, and to make sure you walk out of the theatre with a smile on your face. When The Kidd was done watching the flick, PIRANHA 3D was 3 for 3. Sounds like a worthwhile watch to me. If you’re not open to watching the dangers of parasailing over piranha-infested waters or seeing some chick’s ass getting eaten in piranha-vision, then don’t bother. This movie isn’t for you. But, if you are down for that, plus 3-D wet t-shirt contests, with disfigured bodies, both dead and alive, added to keep the balance, then I anticipate you eating up PIRANHA 3D (pun clearly intended).
