The Kidd Vs. Predators
CAUTION: SPOILERS AHEAD
I really wanted to like PREDATORS. I really did. The original holds a special place in my heart as one of my favorite Schwarzenegger flicks of all-time and also one of the first R-rated movies The Kidd ever laid eyes on (sharing company with 48 HOURS). Over the years, the Predator brand has been absolutely destroyed, suffering through the moronic PREDATOR 2 and then the even dumber pair of ALIEN VS. PREDATOR films. However, with Robert Rodriguez, a guy who wanted to make an old-school Predator movie years and years ago, on-board, I was cautiously optimistic that he and director Nimrod Antal could deliver something in the tone of the 1987 film. But I guess in this summer of disappointment, it’s only fitting that my optimism was only rewarded partially.
I do like PREDATORS, but not by much. I wouldn’t consider this a ringing endorsement, so much as a declaration that you’ll at least get something better than PREDATOR 2 and the 2 AVPs, something that shouldn’t be that hard to accomplish. I like the movie, but only because I enjoyed more of the movie than I disliked… and that margin was pretty slim. I’m probably looking at a 52%-48% split on the film, far from the overwhelming awesomeness I was looking for, because PREDATORS tries to return to the tone and form of that first movie, and succeeds to a point. But PREDATORS has big, fat, HUGE problems that hold it back from ever reaching its potential, and two words can sum them all up perfectly: Laurence Fishburne.
I’ve never been able to draw a line through a movie before quite like I can do with PREDATORS. It’s one moment (the introduction of Laurence Fishburne’s character Noland) that really served as the turning point in the film, and that very moment is the spot where PREDATORS went from a welcome addition to the Predator franchise to a film that is fuckin’ stupid. In fact, it might even serve the film better to think of it as 2 separate segments – PREDATORS B.L.F. (Before Laurence Fishburne) and PREDATORS A.L.F. (After Laurence Fishburne). Before, you get a fun throwback with a bunch of random soliders/warriors selected and tossed together in the jungle, where a bunch of Predators lurk, fighting for the only thing that matters to them anymore: their survival. You get characters that are unique enough to stand on their own, like the Robert Rodriguez staple Danny Trejo as a Mexican cartel enforcer or the former UFC fighter Oleg Taktarov as a Russian soldier. They are memorable enough to be remembered as individuals, but also as valuable parts of a team that must stick together if they don’t want want to die horrible deaths.
Then there’s the after, where you get Predator-on-Predator crime, a Yakuza vs. Predator sword fight that looked as if it would serve as a moment similar to the Billy sacrifice in PREDATOR, but wound up being a ridiculous one-on-one showdown whose purpose was simply to have what the movie thought was a cool sword fight between a Yakuza and a Predator, and a character turn so unnecessary, out of place, and out of nowhere that you spend the last 15 minutes of the film wondering what the fuck just happened, why it just happened, and who thought it was a good idea for it to happen… yep, a twist for twist’s sake.
Laurence Fishburne’s character is so meaningless to the overall scheme of PREDATORS that there’s really no need for him whatsoever. I get it. He’s “the one that got away… the one you don’t fuck with,” and he serves as a hope for the rest of the gang that survival is actually an option and a possibility. He also serves as a character who only grabs a few minutes of screen time to explain to those of you who aren’t familiar with what Predators are or what they do about how they kill and how they adapt, while also playing Mr. Exposition to reveal that there’s a Predator blood feud between 2 different segments of the Predator population that will serve as a reason for one of the alien killers to actually offer up help to a human being later on down the road. Yes, that happens… a Predator helps a human, DISTRICT 9-style. And to think, we started out so well.
The first minute or so of PREDATORS absolutely grabs you, and leads you to think that you’ll be moving a breakneck speeds through the film, with a selection of killers and mercenaries and soldiers banding together in an ultimate showdown with the title creatures. PREDATORS opens with Adrien Brody falling from the sky, plunging towards the ground at a rapid speed. There’s no explanation. There’s no backstory. There’s a guy in freefall, and we’re about to hit the ground running (literally and figuratively). From there, we get introduced to our band of brothers and sister (Alice Braga), who have been selected and brought to what is a gaming preserve planet for the Predators to perfect their hunting techniques, learning from their victims and adapting and changing always, in order to become more efficient and flawless killing machines.
During this time, we get some of the tried and true aspects of the Predator franchise – the Predator vision, the camo that hides them among the landscape, their weapons (from their blade to their cannon). We also get some new additions to their arsenal, which work fairly well in the context of the new film, including Predator dogs and Predator aerial scouts. It expands our knowledge of what the creatures are capable of, without deviated from what is already established as pretty standard fare when it comes to what the Predators have at their disposal. It isn’t an overhaul of the aliens, which would have been a huge mistake, but more just an increasing of their repertoire.
In addition, Braga’s character Isabelle ties the film in with the original, which I thought was a nice touch. There’s no Schwarzenegger cameo, but here we get a character at least familiar with the events of the first film. She has knowledge of what Dutch went through in Guatemala in 1987, giving a quick refresher course in what tactics work against Predators and what tactics don’t. Sure, there’s a suspension of disbelief in Isabelle knowing what she knows, because she would have been about 4 years old back then, but, as a fan of the original, you’re likely to get caught up in the nod to PREDATOR that such details won’t matter in the moment.
The first half of PREDATORS absolutely feels like it belongs in the Predator franchise… in its story, in its tone, in its setup. It actually plays fairly similar to that first movie to a point that they’re almost the same film. Nothing new is really offered up, and you find yourself not caring, because why fix it if it ain’t broke? The formula worked the first time around and was extremely enjoyable, so perhaps PREDATORS is onto something by trying to copy that as closely as possible, just with all new people in a different location. To that point, PREDATORS almost plays like a remake more than a sequel, in that it borrows so heavily from the first film in the early part of its premise. However, I didn’t find myself bothered at all by anything PREDATORS was giving me, because I was having too good of a time watching these characters in action. I wasn’t looking for some deeply intellectual melodrama. I just wanted a good action movie, and, if that meant replicating a good action movie, then so be it.
But then A.L.F., and PREDATORS comes off the rails, accentuating the issues that had existed with the film already that you were more than willing to look the other way on, because of your enjoyment of where we’d been going thus far. Adrien Brody’s gruff voice seems far less tough and far more muted Christian Bale in THE DARK KNIGHT. Walton Goggins’ Death Row inmate Stans seems far less humorous and far more uncomfortably creepy. And Topher Grace’s doctor Edwin seems far more unnecessary and… well, he basically stays the same. That’s right… 2 of the biggest named actors in the film are by far 2 of the most unnecessary additions to a story I’ve seen in quite some time. Neither offer up anything substantial to the film, other than the utterly ridiculous, and, if neither were in PREDATORS, the movie would actually play a lot better, and would probably offer up a much smoother, less contrived ride. It’s like driving a nice reliable Volvo. It’s nothing fancy. You know what you’re getting out of it, and you’re perfectly comfortable with that. Then somehow you come into some 22-inch rims, and, because you have them, you feel the need to use them on your Volvo, regardless of how stupid and out of place they look, because… well, what else are you going to do with them? So you still these ridiculous-looking things on your vehicle for no other reason than you’ve got them, so why the hell not? Laurence Fishburne and Topher Grace are the 22-inch rims of the Predator Volvo world… and they’re spinners. And they nearly fuck up PREDATORS.
If not for them, the movie would be a helluva lot more enjoyable, and some of the issues I might have with the film as a whole would feel slight and probably be overlooked. However, Grace’s and Fishburne’s “contributions” to PREDATORS really cause you to take another look at the film, where you see glaring holes that pose major problems for the movie. And it’s A.L.F. that really sends PREDATORS on that downward spiral. Up until that point, I was really on-board with where Antal and Rodriguez were taking me, and I was loving the fact that this had PREDATOR written all over it. Then PREDATORS drastically switches tones and heads beyond over the top, into the realm of stupidity, and it’s only a strong first half that saved the film for me. It’s too bad that it’s not really how you start, but how you finish though, which makes my recommendation of PREDATORS marginal and minimal at best. If you’re a fan of PREDATOR, I think you’ll have a good time watching this sequel, even with the big holes you’ll find blasted in the movie. There’s enough to like here to make it somewhat of a fun watch, which is where I stand. But there is plenty to not like here, too, which may very well ruin your PREDATORS experience. If you can look beyond a lot of that, there’s a pretty decent action movie laying underneath. Otherwise, be prepared for the disappointment that has crippled so many of this summer’s motion pictures, because it got its hands on PREDATORS also. My disappointment really rests with the missed opportunity this movie had to do something as awesome as the original. It was well on its way to pulling it off, too, and then it all fell apart, The potential was there, and you can see it. Unfortunately, the execution misfires, rendering PREDATORS as fallen prey to the summer of disappointment.
