The Kidd Vs. The Expendables
CAUTION: SPOILERS AHEAD
They certainly don’t make them like this anymore. THE EXPENDABLES is a throwback to the big, loud, explosive action movies of yesteryear that we don’t see much of these days. It’s filled with every action cliche in the book, from its cheesy dialogue chock full of one-liners to its insistence to blowing up every last thing that it possibly can. It has car chases, high-speed gunfights, knife fights, hand-to-hand combat, martial arts, death bed revelations, exploding vehicles, collapsing buildings, exploding docks, exploding helicopters, big-ass guns, and guys on fire… and yet knowing any or all of that doesn’t make a difference, because THE EXPENDABLES is awesome. This is a no-nonsense, no-holds-barred, take-no-prisoners action flick that isn’t happy unless body parts are scattered, blood is everywhere, and a massive smile is on your face at the extreme levels of over-the-top-ness (no Stallone pun intended). A lot of people live by the phrase “Go big or go home.” Well, THE EXPENDABLES goes beyond big. It goes HUGE, and you can’t help but have a great time watching it.
Within the first 10 minutes, you know exactly what you’re in for, as THE EXPENDABLES pulls no punches right from the start. A bunch of Somali pirates have taken some American workers hostage and are demanding $3 million ransom from their employees, or they’re going to spill blood. The lights go out, and laser sights are everywhere. The Expendables are on the scene to deliver payment and take the hostages away safely, but just like a Somali pirate, they had to go ahead and get greedy, in turn pissing off bad-ass Dolph Lundgren, who aims his shotgun at their leader and proceeds to separate the top half of his body from the bottom half, and BOOM!!! THE EXPENDABLES is on like Donkey Kong.
The premise is very RAMBO-esque… actually too close to Stallone’s last RAMBO effort. After The Expendables take a job to eliminate a drug-trading dictator in the imaginary country of Vilena (which actually has meaning… trust me… Google it), their leader Barney Ross develops an emotional connection to their contact in the country, the General’s daughter, who wants to stay and fight to free her home country from her father’s iron-fisted rule rather than escape when she has the chance when the shit hits the fan. Barney rounds up the boys in an attempt to do the right thing by heading back to finish their mission and save their souls in the process.
If you’re looking for a plot, you’re not going to get much of one, and you really don’t need it. After all, you want to watch things getting blown up and people getting shot up, and THE EXPENDABLES has no shortage of either. Broken bones, broken necks, chopped limbs, and decapitations happen with regularity, and, in one particular sequence, you can even watch 41 guys die just like that (you don’t have to count… THE EXPENDABLES takes great pride in telling you). Plus, it may be nothing more than a couple of cameos, but to see Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Bruce Willis – 3 of the biggest action stars in history – on the screen at the same time is absolutely surreal.
Stallone may be a little worse for wear at the age of 64, and some of the older guys definitely have seen better days, particularly Lundgren, but that doesn’t mean they still can’t bring it. Between RAMBO and THE EXPENDABLES, Stallone has proven that he may be one of the premiere directors today when it comes to creating action. Straying from the stylized violence of the 80s, Stallone now packs his films with brutality, making you eel every bone-crushing blow, every bullet wound. His sequences are well-paced, building up the intensity of the stunts in both importance and scope. But, more importantly, once THE EXPENDABLES really gets going on the action front, it never lets up.
Jason Statham really gets to shine as Barney’s second in command Lee Christmas (oh, the names get even better… there are a couple of guys named Hale Caesar and Tole Road, I shit you not). Statham is the closest thing to a modern-day action star, and he gets a hefty amount of screen time as one of the main Expendables. His side story with the still beautiful Charisma Carpenter doesn’t really add up to much, except delivering a message that it’s not okay to hit women. However, his young-old interaction with Stallone, adding to the contrast of their guns vs. knives styles helps carry the actual crew of The Expendables, which is made up of plenty of tough guys but no other real actors. Jet Li is there to provide the fighting expertise he can. Randy Couture is around to set up the ultimate dream match of UFC vs. WWE, when he squares off against villainous henchmen Steve Austin, who incidentally just plays a slight variation of his “Stone Cold” persona. And Terry Crews… well, he’s undersold and underused until it’s time to bring in a dude who can make a serious impact, carrying one huge-ass gun.
Eric Roberts provides the sleazy yet cocky villain, the puppet-master of Vilena’s General Garza, because, in this type of movie, you definitely need a mastermind. As usual, he ends up with some of the best lines of the movie, because, with the heroes providing all the action, you need someone to bring the humor. But the real surprise of THE EXPENDABLES is Mickey Rourke, who, in a fairly small role, easily gives the best performance of the film as Tool, a former Expendable, who now owns a tattoo parlor and lands jobs for the group. It is his moment as the wise ex-member, talking about a particular moment in battle, that really gets at the heart of what Barney hopes to accomplish by going back to Vilena. It’s about believing in the soul, the human parts… the idea that we’re here in this life to do something good. This is further proof that the revival of Mickey Rourke’s career the last few years is beneficial to all who see him on the screen, because his emotion reaches out and grabs you, holding your attention on his every word. In one scene, he’s able to show why he should have been missed over the years, and why we should be grateful to have him back in top form, because he is tremendous here.
Look… you already have an idea about whether or not you’re seeing THE EXPENDABLES, and I’m here to let you know that if you are planning on check it out, follow through on those plans, because you will not be disappointed. This is an old-school action movie with new-school violence, and it was kick your ass all over the theatre in such a manly way. After I was done watching THE EXPENDABLES, I felt like I should tear my shirt off upon leaving the theatre as I unleashed a patented burp-n-flex before quickly devouring some sort of meat product smothered in BBQ sauce and chili. If drama or a well-crafted story or deep characters are what you’re looking for, then don’t even bother setting foot inside of THE EXPENDABLES. Stallone will probably sense that you’re there, reach through the screen, and bodyslam you against the wall to prevent you from ruining the fun of everyone who knows what they’re getting with this flick. This is a truly fun movie to watch, and you will be entertained. If not, you may want to leave your man card at the door for someone else who can properly use it, because I’m pretty sure that after getting drenched by all of the action held within THE EXPENDABLES, your balls should grow to ridiculous size (ladies included) just by experiencing this superbly macho movie.
Good review…