The Kidd Vs. The Switch
CAUTION: SPOILERS AHEAD
On the surface, one might think that a film based around Jason Bateman spilling out another man’s jizz and replacing it with his own would lead to all sorts of hilarity. That is where one would be horribly wrong, leading you to find yourself trapped watching THE SWITCH, an ultra-bland flick that chooses to sacrifice any bits of raunch and, even worse, any serious attempts at laughs for a few moments drenched in sap, meant to elicit Awwws from the audience. Those aren’t very effective either, as the only thing THE SWITCH does well is telegraph where it’s going, what’s going to happen next, and how it’s all going to end.
13 years ago, Wally (Jason Bateman), a neurotic, self-absorbed, pessimistic realist got put in the friend zone by what would eventually become his best friend Cassie (Jennifer Aniston playing her typical Jennifer Aniston). You know he digs her, because frankly she looks like Jennifer Aniston, but he’s not exactly the type of dude she’s looking for. Fast forward 6 years later to when, on a whim at the doctor’s office, the fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants risk taker Cassie decides “You know what…? I don’t want to wait for a man to possibly come around in my life to start a family. I think I’ll have a baby now.” Fast forward yet again another week (and no, this isn’t the last time, so keep your finger on that fast forward button), after Wally has passed judgment on Cassie’s choice to have a baby, putting their friendship in time-out (a concept so ridiculous, even the characters are blown away by its immaturity and stupidity), to when he’s right smack in the middle of an insemination part (apparently such a thing exists, with sperm decorations and everything). It’s here Wally finds out that married Roland (a way too smiley Patrick Wilson) is the donor, and, feeling overwhelmed by his best friend’s decision, chooses to handles it the best, most responsible way possible – by getting absolutely shit-faced. And clearly sound decisions will follow, including for some reason opening up a specimen cup of fresh splooge and playing with it in the sink.
Now, if you don’t see a problem with this part of the set-up, allow The Kidd to enlighten you. I have been pretty drunk in my day – not black-out drunk, but wasted enough to throw up all over my carpeted floor and having to clean it up with a Dust Buster at 6:00 in the morning. And during those times (ah, memories), I never felt compelled to take it upon myself to play with someone else’s semen… and neither have you… and neither has anyone else in the history of the world, at least who would admit to it. If there has been, awesome… I want to meet them. That way, I can find out exactly what it is that they were drinking on that particular night and NEVER drink it. Not to mention the fact that if you’re that drunk, the likelihood of your penis having normal functionality is pretty slim, so, the fact that Wally can culminate and maintain an erection of his own long enough to actually replace the missing specimen is beyond a stretch. It’s just bullshit, plain and simple.
Anyway, Bateman replaces the sperm with his own by whacking off to Diane Sawyer in the film’s only truly humorous moment… and yes, you read the correctly. The funniest moment in a movie was a dude jerking off to Diane Sawyer. That’s never a good sign.
Next thing you know, Cassie’s pregnant, decides to move out of New York City to Minnesota, because the big city isn’t a good place to raise a kid and… time to fast forward again.
Let’s move ahead another 7 years, when Cassie decides that suddenly NYC is a fine place to raise a child, uprooting him from his life to move back for a job offer, and setting up a meeting between her kid and Wally.
The kid Sebastian (Thomas Robinson) has all of the same quirks as his father, a pretty obvious connection that NO ONE seems to pick up on. He collects picture frame. He’s non-athletic. He’s a hypochondriac, in addition to standing the exact same way as Wally at times and making the same orgasmic food-eating noises that Cassie had already comment earlier in the film about, because of their annoyance. And yet still, NO ONE sees any of it. This kid is nothing like the mother, nothing like the supposed father, and everything like Wally, who is the real father, and NO ONE finds any of that strange, except some random-ass lady on a bus who gets it right away. Not only have we been dropped in the middle of one of the most ridiculous scenarios ever presented on film, but we’re lucky enough to watch it played out by 3 of the dumbest people to have ever walked the earth. Yay us. People have gone on MAURY, asking for paternity tests, because they didn’t think the baby looked like them, far less than the hard evidence on display in THE SWITCH, and yet NO ONE ever questions anything. Brilliant.
Now seems like an appropriate time to introduce the tangled love triangle. Cassie takes Wally out of the friend zone and starts to feel a connection with her best friend, all while dating Roland the donor who is now divorced, and let’s throw in Wally’s maturation in fatherhood as he spends more time with Sebastian bonding, in case the melodrama wasn’t laid on thick enough. Of course, Wally’s not going to jeopardize these new feelings by telling the truth and admitting the ol’ sperm switcheroo, and, if you don’t see the big revealing moment involving all parties coming down the line yet, you might actually be legally blind, so you might want to get that checked out.
I don’t feel bad talking about the end, because, if you consider yourself even a marginally intelligent person, you should know how things are going to wrap up. But it seems seriously disingenuous of THE SWITCH to suggest that such drastic actions meet no consequences. Oh, sure… there’s about 3 whole minutes f separation and hatred. But forgiveness and a happy ending…? After hijacking someone’s pregnancy, rendering people’s sense of reality completely false, and causing severe emotional trauma…? Where I come from (New Jersey), law enforcement and a whole lot of lawyers are getting involved. In THE SWITCH, a happy ending gets involved, with everything and everyone turning out okay… and that’s pretty far from okay.
Jason Bateman is about the only watchable piece of THE SWITCH, but, even still, you’d have to suffer through the rest of the movie for him, and that’s definitely not worth it. He tries to carry this material on his own, but he’s just a man. He’s not capable of miracles, and there’s only so much he can do to try to make THE SWITCH entertaining, someone the directors and writer seem to be preventing him from doing at all costs, as if what they wanted was a movie that has about as much flavor as a rice cake. Jennifer Aniston continues to play the same Jennifer Aniston character she is in every single movie, so, if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all, rendering THE SWITCH as another of her films that all just seem to blend together.
I wish the supporting cast had something to offer up, but they actually make things worse. Jeff Goldblum, as Wally’s co-worker and friend, absolutely mails in his worst performance ever, playing up the whiny and nervously anxious persona all of his characters seem to have, as if he was under the instruction to just play a caricature of Jeff Goldblum. Juliette Lewis could have had some potential as Cassie’s good friend Debbie, but she’s barely in the film long enough to make any sort of impact.
THE SWITCH isn’t bad, but it’s really not good. It’s hardly a romantic comedy, as it contains hints of romance and no comedy. It’s just there, not the kind of movie you want to waste your time seeing. I’m not entirely sure why Miramax changed the film’s title from its original THE BASTER, because THE SWITCH only serves to raise hope that someone in the projector room might have mercy on the audience, and switch to another movie. Unless you have found yourself playing with a stranger’s spunk, putting yourself in a similar situation that you can relate to, you absolutely want to stay away from this movie. Believe me… no good can come from you seeing it.
