The Kidd Vs. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
This summer’s movie season has been very underwhelming. In taking a look down the calendar, there just haven’t been any movies that have just grabbed a hold of you, shaken the shit out of you, and absolutely demanded that you run out right away and see them. “Wolverine” was… well, let’s not go there again. “Terminator Salvation” just makes me physically ill the more I think about it in all of its awful glory. The one blockbuster that caught my eye through all of it though was “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.” I enjoyed the first “Transformers” movie. By no means was it perfect, and it had its fair share of flaws and problems. However, it was a fun movie-going experience. There was a 
lot to like and a lot to build on. Robots fighting robots… how can you possibly go wrong? Just take what works and mold it, shape it, transform it into something even better, and there you have your sequels and your franchise. Unfortunately, director Michael Bay went the other way, taking all of the problems with the first movie and maximizing them even further here, while taking what worked and what audiences enjoyed and minimizing it all with reduced roles to make way for characters we just don’t care about, because we can’t stand their very presence on the screen. I don’t hate “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.” I just am very disappointed in it. There is some stuff in this movie to like. However, the more I really think about what I saw, the more there is stuff in this movie to really not like at all. Beware the spoilers.
First, let’s start with what I did enjoy… the Transformers. The special effects that bring these suckers to live is sometimes unbelievable. The robots look phenomenal, and, while Bay still falls into the trap from the first movie, about wanting to show every single moving detail on screen, almost making your head explode trying to take it all in, he does it a bit less this time around. Here we get a few instances of being able to see some of that robot-on-robot crime shot wide and from further away, giving you a much grander scope to see it all happening. The fight between Optimus Prime and Megatron in the forest is 
ridiculous, as you are really able to enjoy what you are seeing. Those are the scenes blockbuster movies are made of.
However, one of the things that really bothered me about the movie was also the Transformers. There are too many of them at times. They just show up with no explanation as to who they are, why they are there, or what purpose they serve. Throughout the course of the movie, numerous robots show up here and there, and you are none the wiser, unless you are a true Transformers fanboy, as to what their names even are. In the movie’s ultimate showdown, there are about 13 Decepticons that enter into the firefight, but many of them are just nameless robots whose sole contribution to the sequence is to be destroyed. As a result, you are less emotionally invested in what happens to any of these characters. How can I really care what the fate of these robots is when I don’t know this one from that one or that one from this one? To an extent, it felt like I was watching “X-Men 3,” where they just tried to jam as many Transformers into the movie as possible, without any consideration as to what their roles would be, what they would do, how we would react to them. The more special effects, the 
better. Fuck character development. Fuck even basic character introduction. People want to see robots blowing the shit out of other robots, and that’s just what they gave us.
In addition, the Transformers we get the most of are the ones we wish we could see the least of. Optimus Prime is absent for a large chunk of the movie, as a result of his untimely demise during that incredible forest battle. So, now the main Transformer we all know and are all familiar with is just taken right out of the movie. Bumblebee, who provided protection for Shia LeBeouf’s Sam Witwicky the first time around, is reduced to being a convenient savior that springs into action only when Sam is in trouble. Sam’s in a tight spot? BUMBLEBEE!!! And he springs into action, fights over any danger, and then fades right back into the background. The rest of the movie, he basically serves as Sam’s means of transportation around the globe, chauffering him around to whatever location he might need to get to next. He has two solid scenes that remind us just why we loved the character so much from the first movie, but, for the most part, they just give him nothing else to do. As for the rest of the Autobots, they are missing in action a good portion of the flick as well, once again, only being called upon when it is absolutely necessary to have some robots fighting. Otherwise, they just sit around, hanging out with Josh Duhamel’s Major Lennox and Tyrese, waiting for something to happen, so they can be called in. Otherwise, 
there’s not much for these humans to do either, as it feels like they were almost forced into the movie in order to give it some type of human connection from the first movie. They are absolutely wasted.
The focus on the robots winds up being very villain-heavy, with a lot of focus being placed on the resurrection of Megatron and the revenge plot of The Fallen. But, there is no sense of peril, no sense of danger concerning what they are doing, because it all goes back to not knowing who any of these robots are. The Fallen wants to destroy the sun, which will be the end of earth? Well, who’s going to stop him? Oh, just a bunch of cars and motorcycles and shit… big deal. I have no stock in who succeeds and who fails, so I really just don’t care.
The other Transformers we get to spend time with do nothing but annoy the shit out of you, hoping that the time will come for them to get their faces ripped off, so we won’t have to see them ever again. Two of them just happen to be Mudflap and Skids, the Twins. This pair caters to the lowest denominator, as they roll around talking their hip-hop slang, while sporting gold teeth, and revealing their inability to read. In a movie that should present nothing but cool, badass robots, these two left me wondering if we would ever just be blessed with one moment where they would shut the fuck up. Between their threats to “pop a cap in your ass” and referring to others as “punkass bitches,” you’ve got to be 
kidding me. How can I possibly care about the fate of the Autobots, when these two fuckin’ irritating motherfuckers are bothering so much to the point that I hoped their characters died, just so I would be done with them? A lot has already been written about these two annoyances, and I’m sure a good portion of people will find their stereotypical characterizations offensive, while others just won’t get it. Either way, they’re not funny. They’re on the screen far too long. And, as a result, the movie suffers greatly for it.
At other times, we should just be enjoying the coolness, but unfortunately juvenile gags ruin what should be some pretty interesting stuff. Jetfire should be the key that explains where the marginal plot is going, but instead he is actually given an old man beard and a cane, and he farts out parachutes, because, ya know, that’s what old people do. Devastator is just fuckin’ crazy, as he is one ginormous Transformer comprised of seven smaller individual parts that come together to form this monstrosity. Unfortunately, they felt the need to give him testicles. That’s right… no lie. One of the Transformers has balls of steel this time, and, clear as day, a robotic nutsack swings in the wind. Dare I continue…
The supporting cast is just as annoying, if not more, than some of these damn Transformers. Much of the comic relief has now been given to Sam’s college 
roommate Leo, played by Ramon Rodriguez. Awhile back, it was out there that Jonah Hill was offered this part, and it really is no wonder he turned it down. Every second this guy is on the screen is another second too long. The key to good comic relief is to interject some light humorous moments among those that are pretty intense. However, when the comic relief appears, and you just hope for more intensity in the form of a Decepticon showing up and killing this dude, so you yourself can be put of your misery, that’s never a good sign. He is basically the butt of jokes by the Twins, who aren’t funny to begin with, so that leaves you with a 3-character clusterfuck of annoying that just serves to aggravate and piss off more than anything else. Sam’s parents Ron and Judy Witwicky (Kevin Dunn and Julie White) do absolutely nothing of importance during the long time they are in this movie. They eat up a lot of screen time during Sam’s move onto campus, and all it leads to is stupidity. Can someone please tell me what the point is of having Sam’s mother eat a pot brownie and running around the school grounds crazy, while her husband and son chase her? Is that supposed to move the story? Is that supposed to make me wish there wasn’t a Decepticon somewhere, anywhere nearby to just shoot this annoying bitch in the face? Because it didn’t. Even John Turturro… you know what… I’ve said enough already. Let’s just leave it at the supporting cast offers up no support whatsoever, as just about each and every 
one of their characters suck the Transformer scrotum that dangles over this movie at times.
That really only leaves Shia LeBeouf and Megan Fox, who do about as good a job as anyone could do with what they are given to do. They run from explosions. They… hmmm… do they really do anything else? I mean, don’t get me wrong… Megan Fox looks amazing, and that one shot of her bending over a motorcycle will have you sitting in the theatre uncomfortably for a few minutes as you wait for your erection to disappear. However, there is not nearly enough of her. For the first third of the movie, she is largely absent, only scoring a few small scenes on the perimeter for The Beouf’s big move to college life. Speaking of the college, I get that the movie is largely about Sam’s transformation from a boy to a man, but his journey to college really serves no purpose. He really doesn’t do anything while he’s there, and the build-up to him getting there is completely useless, as he bolts campus soon enough as it is. If the purpose was so we could meet his roommate and introduce him into the plot, I can only wish Sam decided college wasn’t for him and never went, preventing this tool from taking up space in the movie. They both do what they need to do. The problem is that are surrounded with a boring plot filled with uninteresting characters, so the make the best of a bad situation, but there’s only so much they are capable of doing with the material.
The plot revolves around a shard of the All Spark not being destroyed, and having it display symbols that create a map to find the Matrix of Leadership, which they are all racing to find before their enemies can, and you get the 
picture. Their journey seems useless, which is only fitting, because there is plenty of that going around. There is some chick at school who seems to be into Sam, and who knows entirely too much about him for someone he’s just met. Of course, she turns out to be a Decepticon, but her role is really unclear. Is she there to kill him? To capture him? To gain information from him? I guess we’ll never know, because she was crashed into a light post and then run over, because we all know that’s what really destroys these robots. Then she disappears, and we never hear from her again. Useless. There’s Wheelie, the little guido Decepticon that switches sides and humps Megan Fox’s leg, who after leading them to Jetfire just disappears and is never heard from again. Useless. And why does any movie that contains some military operations also have to have some douchebag civilian who tries to meddle and get in the way, because he thinks he knows the best way to handle things politically, but only winds up wasting time and causing more problems? Another cliche that’s… you guessed it… useless.
On top of that, the movie feels long. Clocking in right around 2 hours and 30 minutes, “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” feels like it takes an eternity to reach its conclusion, with each moment of non-robot-fighting dragging more than the last. The Kidd can enjoy a good mindless popcorn movie with the best of them, but unfortunately, as a whole, this isn’t the one that will bring you nonstop entertainment. I anticipate this movie making an assload of big bucks over the weekend, with people looking to run out to see the next big special effects bonanza, and there’s not necessarily anything wrong with that. However, the desire to get bigger and louder has taken away from the real focus, which should be to get better. “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” has its moments, and is enjoyable at times, but for the most part, it suffers as the worst thing a sequel can ever possibly be – not even close to being as good as the first one.
