The Kidd Vs. Up, Part One
The Kidd had originally planned to go out on his own and catch Disney/Pixar’s latest movie “Up” in 3D on opening day, so I could get back here and let you know whether or not it lived up to the Pixar name. Was a movie about an old man that flew his house using an assload of balloons as great as “WALL-E,” “Finding Nemo,” both “Toy Story” and “Toy Story 2,” and, well, you get the point? On top of it, On top of that, would it be even more awesome in the fact that it was Pixar’s first-ever 3D film? The Kidd had high hopes for this one on Friday afternoon, as Pixar has yet to disappoint me. “Cars” isn’t all that great, slightly 
above average, but then again, I really hate NASCAR. So, would the proud tradition of Pixar delivering instant classics for audiences of all ages continue with “Up”? I wish I could tell you for sure.
Wait just one second, Kidd… are you saying that you didn’t enjoy a Disney/Pixar movie? Yep, unfortunately that is what I’m saying, but it has absolutely nothing to do with the movie at all. From what I was able to watch and follow and take in, I enjoyed “Up” a great deal. Too bad I was out of it for about half the movie while I dealt with assholes with absolutely no courtesy or respect for anyone other than themselves when it comes to sitting in a theater and watching a fuckin’ movie. That’s right… I am unable to give an honest glowing review of “Up,” because I wasn’t able to follow the whole thing, and it would be unfair to you, to Disney, to Pixar, to half-ass it for you, and tell you what I thought of a movie I only really got to see the back end of. Instead, I am going to fill you in on one of the worst movie-going experiences of my life, in part one of my quest to watch and enjoy “Up.”
My wife and I had planned to catch an afternoon show at 2:00. We managed to secure a babysitter for our son with some family in town, and we were ready to go. We made our way out through the monsoon that had begun to roll through, as a movie might be just one of the best ways to escape the rain. We had our tickets. We had our popcorn. We had a soda. We had some Twizzlers. We were ready to go. Now, I am aware that going to see “Up” in the middle of the afternoon had its share of problems, namely the presence of children – kids that 
are incapable of sitting still, kids that have zero attention spans, kids that might just be more entertained licking gum off the floor than they are by a movie. When I see a movie that is geared towards children, I understand that kids are going to act in a certain way. They can’t help it. They’re kids for fuck’s sake. They don’t know any better. They might have to get up to go to the bathroom or they talk too loudly or whatever. I almost allow a certain amount of leeway in my patience heading in, as I almost expect my standards of behavior not to be met. However, I am no longer going to let my guard down when it comes to the argument that “it’s just kids being kids.” No fuckin’ way, no fuckin’ how… NO MORE!!! Because the reason these kids can’t behave and act like a bunch of assholes is that their parents are a bunch of douchebags who can’t behave and act like a bunch of assholes. The kids are learning how to be a bunch of dickheads from their parents’ inconsiderate and selfish behavior. Let me explain.
My wife and I settle in and find our seats. A family comes in – mom, dad, and 2 kids – and sits down in the row in front of us. Three teenagers come in and sit to my left, about three seats away. And another group of people come in and sit in the row behind us, in the last row of the theater, right in the middle of the row. Each one of these groups is made up of assholes. First of all, they are all selfish, thinking that only their enjoyment of the movie matters, because they 
will all act in a way that is disruptive to other people in the theatre, namely me. And second, two of these groups are fuckin’ stupid, because they can’t read. Right before the trailers even begin, not one, but TWO different notices are given to the viewing audience to please silent their cell phones, with one going as far as to say “No texts.” In fact, the second one was up on the screen for a long enough time that I was able to run out to the bathroom, take a leak, shake some stowaway droplets loose, wash my hands with soap and water, dry them on some weak-ass hand blower, and make it back into the theatre just as it was coming off the screen. Plus, keep in mind, it was probably on the screen for a good minute or so before I decided that was the perfect time to piss, so you’re looking at a good two-and-a-half minutes or so of people just staring at a screen that was reminded them to turn off the cell phones. Apparently that just wasn’t good enough, because why the fuck would anyone do something like that?
The trailers start. We get “Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs,” some stupid fuckin’ movie about talking guinea pigs, and something else that wasn’t good enough or interesting enough for me to remember. Then we get a new Pixar short, “Partially Cloudy.” And then it begins… I think I hear a baby. Now, there are babies in the short, so I chalk it up to maybe I’m just hearing things, maybe the sound system in this particular theatre is immaculate for it to sound like a baby is making noise directly behind me, maybe it’s just part of the short. The short finishes up. Its credits roll, and it is now time to see “Up.” And there it is again… a fuckin’ baby making noise and crying right behind me. This time, there’s no baby on the screen. In fact, it is just a couple of people getting old. No babies. Yeah, you guessed it. These fuckin’ people behind me, all the way in the back of the theatre in the dead center of the very last row, decided to bring a fuckin’ baby to this fuckin’ movie. The baby wasn’t sleeping. The baby wasn’t quiet. This baby was wide awake and crying, whimpering, fussing, creating sounds right in my ear that were preventing me from being able to hear what the fuck was going on. It’s okay, I figured. The baby is causing a commotion. They’ll get up and take the baby outside, and try to calm it down. What the fuck was I thinking?! I guess I was too busy trying to think logically and with some sort of reason to realize that they would just pass the baby back and forth in the hopes of getting it to shut the fuck up, because why should they have to miss any second of the movie, regardless of how it might affect other people trying to watch a movie with a fuckin’ baby crying right the fuck behind them. I’d even be understanding if they 
sat up front near the exit, so they could leave in the event something like this happens. But, no… that’s way too considerate.
Then more happens. The cell phone rings… from the same fuckin’ people with the fuckin’ baby… and the woman fuckin’ answers it!!! Are you fuckin’ kidding me?!?! And… she proceed to have a fuckin’ conversation right then and there… behind me… in the middle of the fuckin’ movie… with a baby in one fuckin’ arm and the cell phone in the other!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?! I don’t care if the other person found it, whatever the fuck “it” is. I don’t care what Stephanie had to say or any other person. In fact, now that you’re having this conversation, I hope Stephanie and everyone in her family is dead, so that when you finally leave this fuckin’ theatre, you’ll now have something important to talk about. I turn around, because now I don’t know what the fuck is happening in the movie, and I’m like, “Seriously…?! You’re on the phone…?!” And the guy she is with has the balls to say to me, “Life is rough. Just turn around and watch the movie.” You know what, guy, I would love to just turn around and watch this movie… oh, except there’s the whole problem of you and your wife for some reason decided to fuck. I don’t know how that happened. I guess it’s the fact that no other people could stand the very sight of either of you, because, obviously you are two of the biggest assholes to walk this earth. As a result, you had a baby, who you thought would make the perfect fuckin’ pain in the ass, so you decided to bring it to the movies, where it could generally not shut the fuck up. Then, because you are rude and obnoxious fuckin’ people, you’ll make sure not to turn off your cell phones, because you are two illiterate dumb motherfuckers, so that when one of the phones actually ring, you’ll answer it 
and talk to whoever’s on the other end, because you don’t give a shit about other people and the fact that they also paid money to see this movie. So, I would love to turn around and watch this movie, except for the fact that a family of cunts is sitting right the fuck behind me doing everything in their power to make sure I can’t fuckin’ do that. But I guess you didn’t realize all of this was going on when you made your little snide suggestion, because you are a fuckin’ dickhead. Let me offer up a little bit of advice for you, asshole… life is rough, so why don’t you just do us all a favor and try to make it just a little easier by crashing your fuckin’ car into the guardrail on your way home, so that society won’t ever have to be plagued by your fuckin’ stupid family ever again?! Please… pretty please… with a fuckin’ cherry on top. Because, on top of the fact that you two are a couple of assholes, I now have to worry about the fact that you have a child, who is certain to become an asshole, because look who the parents are. This baby thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to bring crying babies to a movie, and to leave your cell phone on to ring, and then to answer it and talk on it during a movie, because that’s what you’ve set as an example. This kid is learning how to be a fuckface from fuckface parents. Awesome. Thanks. Just what the world needed… more assholes, and more specifically, assholes who were raised to be assholes because the only exposure they ever had was to assholes. Finally, at some point, the woman took the baby and left the theatre, but, by then, it was too late. It was already pretty deep into the movie, and I was kind of out of it. So thanks for ruining the first half of the movie for me, douchebags. I seriously don’t know who you all are, but I know karma’s got my back on this one. With any luck, if you made it back home alive, hopefully it wasn’t for long, because your house blew up with all of you inside of it. Or maybe you never even made it back to the car, because some vicious pack of rabid muggers stabbed you in the gut before making off with your valuables and your faces. I cannot wish enough that bad things happened to that group of people. Maybe a flesh-eating virus… maybe kidnappers… something, anything. Fuck those fuckin’ people. Fuck them straight to hell. Fuck them right into bad things happening. Next time, you’ll learn not to spoil good wholesome family entertainment.
As for the other two groups, the family sitting in front of us… well, their parents were a couple of dicks, too, because they felt the need to check their e-mails or text messages or porn or whatever the fuck they were looking at throughout the movie, which would have been fine if they were discreet about it and not doing it on the brightest fuckin’ phone in the world. Because there’s nothing like some lens flares in my 3D glasses coming from someone’s fuckin’ phone to help the images come to life for me. From now on, I am going to bring a flashlight to the movies with me, and, if I catch anyone doing this shit, I’m just going to move right in front of them and shine that shit right into their eyes. Let’s see how they like it when I help them on the path to blindness. Or I could just confiscate your mobile device from you, right before I smash it right over your fuckin’ brainless head. It’s always hilarious when the kids behave better than the adults. Here’s to hoping those two girls realize their parents are assholes, and learn from their mistakes. And the other group… well, let’s just say I understand the one guy with you is very effeminate and easily excited by animated movies, but INSIDE VOICES, you fuckin’ jackass. I should not be able to hear your worry that bad things might befall one of the characters, and your shrieking of concern… yes, shrieking… very unnecessary.
So, as you can see, The Kidd was incapable of putting together a proper review of “Up” when all of this shit was going on – hence, Part One. After explaining and complaining about the situation to the theatre’s manager, I was able to score passes in order to return and see “Up” yet again. As a result, expect The Kidd’s full-blown thoughts on “Up” very soon, as I’ll be putting in the hours to make sure this one gets done right. On the bright side, I did learn that, in the future, if I need to make a complaint about something going on in my theatre, I can present my Crown Club card to them, at least at Regal Cinemas, and they will give me a device that I can use to notify the staff of a picture problem, an audio problem, piracy, or another disturbance, without having to get up to leave the theatre… and they’ll give me bonus points on my card. You can bet your sweet ass The Kidd will be wielding that device at every single movie he takes in from this point forward. After all, you can never be too careful with all these assholes around.
