These Faux Filmmakers Get To Check Out Machete For Their Efforts

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Wow… no one can possibly question the fact that the winners of this MACHETE contest truly earned their way into some tickets for this advance screening. You got the creative juices flowing, your twisted love of movies… ummm… twisting, and, in creating some ridiculously fresh ideas for what you would love to put together into a Grindhouse-style, exploitation B-movie, I was absolutely blown away by some of your concepts. By the way, who knew everyone desperately wanted to work with Steven Seagal at this point?

From the more bizarre (cuban sandwiches, anyone?) to the more realistic to the ones that might actually feature someone truly named Tammy Gunns (partial credit is being awarded for an A+ story), these winners jumped through some serious hoops, and, for their remarkable efforts, they find themselves on the winners’ list for The Kidd’s MACHETE contest.

And, because it would be a waste for only me to enjoy them, you’ll get to check out their full ideas, too.

It’s showtime.

Erwin Acle

NINJA DAWN

Starring Kevin Sorbo, Michael Dudikoff, Tiny Lister, Julie Bowen, Arielle Kebbel, Wesley Snipes, Lucy Liu, and Dustin Diamond

Joseph Black (Kevin Sorbo) was a navy seal turned doctor who swore he would never kill again – that is until a group of ninjas led by the evil Shimazu (Michael Dudikoff) attack his hospital in their attempt to assasinate his half-brother, Vice President Jackson White (Tommy “Tiny” Lister).  When the ninjas fail and kidnap Black’s wife (Julie Bowen) and sixteen year old daughter (Arielle Kebbel), he and White put together a team (Wesley Snipes, Lucy Liu, and Dustin Diamond) to rescue them from Shimazu.

Alberto Bello

THE INVASION OF THE CUBAN SANDWICH

Starring Steven Seagal, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Eva Mendes, and Chuck Norris

Steven Seagal (Cuban Sandwich) plays a bad Cuban sandwich in the cholesterol streets of Miami with his sidekick Jean-Claude Van Damme (Cuban Pastelito) and his wife Eva Mendes (Croqueta). These three are trying to own the streets of Miami with a lot of violence and trying to sell illegal substances, like ham and cheese, but the great Miami detective played by Chuck Norris (American Cheese Burger) is going to try and stop these three criminals with his hi-tech weapons system – mustard and ketchup.

Thomas Bruckner

AMAZON WOMEN AND THE MUNCHKIN MOB

Starring Verne Troyer, Britney Spears, Stacy Keibler, Sarah Silverman, Hayden Panettiere, and Daryl Hall

Cleve Justice is a revenge-seeking little person determined to avenge the death of his wife during the filming of The Wizard of Oz. See the trio of Britney Spears, Stacy Keibler and Sarah Silverman as the quirky undercover trio of undercover agents sent to protect Hayden Panettiere AKA Glinda the Good Witch. See Darryl Hall lead his ultra evil mob known simply as the “Lollipop Guild” as they strive to deflower and maim American values by derailing a cinematic classic.

Michael Contreras

GRANDPA’S LONE GUN

Starring Clint Eastwood as Grandpa Rest, Antonio Banderas as Dad Rest, Carla Gugino as Mother Rest, Daryl Sabara as Son Rest, and Alexa Vega as Daughter Rest

As the war veteran Grandpa starts hitting the Golden Years; the family wants to get rid of him and send him down to Florida. Unfortunately, the family didn’t know that Grandpa isn’t ready to live out the rest of his years stuck in a retirement home; so he decides to fight back. He only takes one suit case with him down to Florida with him and it’s Grandpa’s Lone Gun and this Gun wants to put bullets in everyone! Grandpa escapes and wants to put the Rest Family to Rest… PERMANENTLY! Grandpa will make you cry… blood…

Edward Delgado

BUNNY ASSASSINS FROM HELL

Starring Steven Seagal and Lindsay Lohan

Captain Arthur Soright, Steven Seagal, commands a horde of bunny assassins that are taking over the world. Candy Apple, Lindsay Lohan, is in search of an ancient relic that will stop the bunny horde from destroying Earth.

Marc Ferman

REVENGE OF THE LESBIAN TONGUE SNATCHERS FROM PLANET URANUS

Starring Michelle Rodriguez, Kristin Kreuk, Megan Fox, Jordana Brewster, Belladonna, Rick Springfield, Corey Feldman, Morgan Fairchild, William Zabka, Lance Guest, Jesse Eisenberg, and Oscar-winner Halle Berry as the Lesbian Queen

When the lesbian aliens descend on planet earth, their only mission is to abduct the most beautiful women on the planet, so they can harvest them and use them solely for the purpose of sexual pleasure.  Once they take the human females, they inject them with a serum that prevents them from speaking and tongue cramping.  When Louis (Eisenberg) find out his girlfriend Tina (Kreuk) has been abducted, he enlists the help of his boss at The Burger Shoot (Feldman) and his 3 uncles (Springfield, Zabka, & Guest) to help save her and take down the evil alien lesbians.

Dave Izquierdo

THE YOUTH-SNATCHERS

Starring Hayden Panetierre as Goldie Young, Zac Efron as Billy Blaine, Jaden Smith as Toke Enblack, Dakota Fanning as Susie Scott, Helen Mirren as Mayor Young, Clint Eastwood as Sheriff Geezer, Ian McKellen as Father Goode, and Justin Bieber as Himself

The mysterious death of pop sensation Justin Bieber has the youth of the town of Springbloom curious. A group of teenage friends investigate the situation and discover upon an alien threat that possesses the bodies of senior citizens and suck the youth out of adolescents. Now, they are running for their lives as the fate of the world’s youth depends on them.

Pedro Izquierdo

ATTACK OF THE KILLER MIDGETS FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION!!!

Starring Liam Neeson as Sheriff Duke, Leonardo DiCaprio as Billy Badass, Natalie Portman as Dr. Sophie Whisper, Samuel Jackson as DJ Hell Yeah, Michelle Rodriguez as Loca, and Warwick Davis as The Midget King

A group of scientists accidentally opens a portal to another dimension causing an army of killer midgets to invade earth. Now its up to the residents of a small town to show them who’s boss. Don’t miss out on this battle of the century coming soon to a theater near you.

Seth Krinsky

MALPRACTICE

Starring Chloe Moretz as Randi Ratched, Sam Rockwell as the Hospital Director, Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Nurse Patricia, Tia Carrere as PA Lee, Nick Frost as Anesthesiologist, Jonah Hill as CT Tech. Anthony Hopkins as Radiologist Dr. Hanter, Judd Nelson as Surgeon Dr. Nieves (Pronounced Knives), Christoph Waltz as ER Doctor Section, Olivia Wilde as Nurse Sultry, Bruce Willis as Detective Bruce, and Stan Lee as “Janitor”

Young Randi Ratched (Moretz) is left without a family after malpractice at the local hospital. When no justice is brought to her family through the system, a new plan is born. With the help of Nurse Patricia (Winstead), Randi will show the corrupted hospital and its’ staff of corrupt lunatics what malpractice really is. With deaths too vivid and gruesomely fun to fully describe and with sex too “hot” to watch; this action-packed film will literally have you cringing at your next hospital visit, hoping you don’t experience… Malpractice.

Esmeralda Marin

MUTHA NATURE

Starring President Barack Obama as himself, Jean-Claude Van Damme as the hero, Bruce Campbell as the Evil CEO of the Oil Company, Sofia Vergara as Love Interest, and Yahoo Serious as The Merman

It’s summer people are going to the beach and having fun …  (flash beach scene, people frolicking having fun, quick scene change to deserted beach; quiet and eerie, BBQ’s are burning, beach balls floating in the water, water wings litter the beach)… but these people are not coming back home! (Flash to news reports, mass confusion and search parties) No one can find the bodies, or any trace of what happened to these people! is it aliens? Is it terrorists? Then one day people start turning up staked to posts that are coming out of the water, miles and miles from where they disappeared. Cargo ships stumbled upon the bodies… (Cut to people shrieking and crying, demanding the government to explain what is happening, they are storming all government facilities, mass hysteria!) Then all of a sudden buildings rise out of the water (people running away from the waters edge where they were holding memorials) huge tidal waves wash away any shore lines and cities. What is going on? Nobody knows… and then the attacks start… star fish fly out of the water and stab people in the eye, swordfish fight with the most skilled swords men. Sharks are having human buffets. Stingrays stab people dead, jellyfish are stinging children left and right, there is not enough urine in the world to soothe this sting! Their representative (a merman!) gets a hold of the airwaves and announces that since we have polluted their waters with oil they have mutated so that they can now live above water, and they are taking over the earth!!! (Cut to woman screaming, camera zooms in and out from her face! deep voice booms saying — Mutha Nature has no mercy! only one man can save the world) in come Jean Claude Van Damme loaded with guns that launch fish traps, he is catching the wicked sea animals… the animals seek revenge by capturing his long time girlfriend (played by Sofia Vergara) and placing her underwater in an air bubble that is slowly loosing oxygen. Surrounding the bubble is a massive amount of oil that will kill her unless Jean Claude can uncover their secret lair. When he finally finds the lair, who is guarding it? The CEO of the oil company Bruce Campbell!! (cut again to woman screaming, camera zooms in and out of her face) he has teamed up with the sea creatures to save himself… how will this end? You will have to watch to find out!!!!  — End commercial.

Cassandra Martinez

TAMMY GUNNS

Starring Tammy Gunns, Crocodile Bill, and Father Dante S. Enfermo

She is every man’s dream and worst nightmare. The soon to be ex-nun Deborah Cain is out for revenge after being raped, beaten and left for dead by Father Dante S. Enfermo and his gang of priests in her convent. After being found in a reptile infested swamp by Crocodile Bill: a blind, black, gun-slinging atheist with the hearing of a canine and the speed of bullet. His troubled past and her nonexistent future are the perfect combination for this duo to take revenge on the Catholic Church. He was exiled by the Church, she was thought to be dead and forgotten, but now they are back like never before and they want their sweet revenge. He is a master in weaponry and now she’s his apprentice. She knows her way too well around the convent, so this is a bloody massacre just waiting to happen. Now she’s Tammy Gunns and she’s going to gun God’s house down!

Fernando Ortega

LITTLE BO PEEP MUST DIE!!!

Starring Megan Fox as Little Bo Peep, Bruce Willis at the General sheep, Josh Hartnett as the Captain Sheep, Usher Raymond as the Major Sheep, and Benicio del Toro and the Lone Wolf

Little Bo Peep has had the Sheep under her oppression for decades now! The sheep led by Bruce Willis have organized and planned an attack on Little Bo Peep to end her regime. The lone wolf whom has befriended the Sheep in order to gain access to Little Bo Peep and end this outrage is driven by his secret love for Bo Peep and her divine beauty… In the end the Lone Wolf must fight his love and natural hatred for the sheep to over come her evil empire!!!

Jorge Palacios

INVASION OF THE SPACE BABIES IN OHIO

Starring Danny DeVito as Dances With Bullets, Jason Statham as Dr. Roberts, Forest Whitaker as Petire The Marine, Oprah Winfrey as Sugar Mama, Robin Williams as El Nino, and Jackie Chan as OctoMango

When the infants of an unknown race plan an evil scheme to take over planet earth they hit the human race right where it hurts, THROUGH YOUR CHILDREN!!! With their advance knowledge and technology, they have created a way to transfer their souls into the human body. It is going to take the guns of one man and the brain of another to save America! From the makers of “Walking Sharks” and “He Is Not Your Father!” comes an emotional roller coaster of a masterpiece that will blow you out of your seat. Get ready to bring out your belts and teach your kids a lesson. “They grow up sooo fast”

Ella Pedre

THE LINE-KEEPER

Starring Sean Penn as Ben Goldman, Megan Fox as Katterina Vakhrushko, Betty White as Hilda Stein, Jerry Stiller as Frank N. Stein, George Lucas as Jorge Lucas, and Michael Cera as Jimmy

Ben Goldman is a quiet, sophisticated and frugal accountant by day but huge movie buff at night.  He loves to attend free movie screenings.  He gets tickets from the beautiful Russian movie critic Katterina Vakhrushko.  He met her at work when she came in to do her taxes.  They started to discuss movies and became fast friends.  She has no idea that Ben would love to be more than friends and make their own unrated movie.

Ben does not like inconsiderate people.  He doesn’t like to be #10 in line for the movie but end up as #50 because the senior theatre Capones (better known as sweet-looking Hilda and her hideously ugly husband Frank) save spots in the line for their retirement home friends.  Ben found a way of paralyzing that from happening.  He invented his own Eye Phone.  When he eyes one of these geezers cutting in front of the line, he uses his gadget to silently shoot out a taser bullet.  This immobilizes the perpetrator for a minimum of three hours.  Jorge Lucas, the theatre manager who takes money from the Steins to turn a blind eye to what is happening, has to deal with the collapsing fogies.  People think the person has dropped dead.  Ignoring the commotion, Ben goes in to the theatre to enjoy his movie.  But first he visits Jimmy, the concession boy, who hooks him up with free popcorn.

How will these old folks put one and one together and realize that there is not cutting in line, no holding spaces in line, and no holding of seats? Ben Goldman, that’s how…

Denise Perez

BLOOD ON THE HIGHWAY

Starring Eric Estrada, Bruce Campbell, David Hasselhoff and Carmen Electra

Eric Estrada is Rico the ex head of the Bandidos Motorcycle Gang with a serious chip on his shoulder. Having escaped from prison where he is serving 3 consecutive life sentences for a crime he did not commit; Rico is on mission to clear his name.  With “The Law” (Bruce Campbell) on his back he must rebuild his bike “El Tigre” and reclaim his place at the head of the pack to clear his name. Standing in his way is current leader and former friend Dakota  (David Hasslehoff) whose lust for control has driven him to do things that put him directly in Rico’s sights.Will Rico’s old flame, sexual deviant, Poison (Carmen Electra) turn the tables in this dangerous game of sex, blood and mayhem? Who will survive the collision course of destiny on Route 666? Fire up your engines because only the most sadistic survive in “Blood on the Highway”!!!

Lilian Perez

ELECTRIC SPACE NINJAS

Starring Joey Lawrence, Christina Applegate, and Rob Schneider

In feudal Japan, Joey Lawrence, Christina Applegate, and Rob Schneider are ninjas who have been sent on a mission to Mars to destroy the Dragon King of the East. Before they can accomplish their task they must work together and combine their chi to gain the powers of electricity to dethrone the Dragon King.

Karla Reyes

DOUBLE D DESTRUCTION

Starring Pamela Anderson as Dee Dee Lux and Sammo Hung as Kim Jong-il

Dee Dee Lux (Anderson) has scored a job as the new nurse at a top cosmetic surgery clinic. One late night, while finishing some work in the clinic, she is jumped and drugged unconscious. Dee Dee wakes up to find herself lying on a surgical table with a cellphone beside her and discovers that her breasts have grown at least three times bigger. Before she can even celebrate, she discovers that her breasts haven’t only grown – but they CONTINUE growing. The cellphone beside her rings and a mysterious voice who gives no names reveals that her implants are actually an atomic bomb, counting down the time to its detonation. She late discovers that the mysterious voice is none other than North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Il (Hung) and that this is his scheme to destroy the United States. Dee Dee must now fight her way through thugs, hired by the North Korean government to work in the clinic and pose as employees, in order to stop the bomb from detonating and to save the United States of America from destruction!

David Rios

TRIGGER FINGERS: A LOOSE CANNON COP ON THE EDGE

Starring Chris Evans as “Loose Cannon Cop,” Christina Hendricks as “Damsel In Distress” or “Chick He Bangs At The End Of The Movie,” Alec Baldwin as “Alcoholic Chief Of Police,” and Christopher Walken as “Smart-ass Bad Dude”

Chris Evans plays a loose cannon cop who’s got not much to lose except a good lay if he doesn’t save the damsel in distress from the maniacal grips of some smart-ass bad dude who plans to blow shit up and cause chaos and other bad shit to happen. Oh, and his fingers are actually guns, thus adding “cleverness” to the title.

Marcus Thomas

NAZI ZOMBIES FROM DAS BERMUDA TRIANGLE

Starring Forest Whitaker as Chief Watkins, Michelle Rodriguez as Det. Glenda Findlay, William Dafoe as Det. Glen Scagnetti, Christopher Walken as Gen. Wolfgang Richter, Tom Berenger as Lt. Kurt Harman, and Mickey Rourke as “Der Unfall”

Following the Axis surrender at the end of World War II, a small group of incarcerated Nazi soldiers were able to escape Allied control and flee Europe in order to avoid facing persecution at the tribunals for their war crimes against humanity. They set sail across the Atlantic, but eventually lose course and crash land on the isle of Bermuda. They set up camp here, however, their entire colony quickly becomes infected with a strange disease. Flash forward 30 years later. “Survivors” of the colony from Bermuda have washed up on a small beach community in southern Virginia, only the disease has left them zombie-like with only one craving, human flesh. Chief Watkins and his team of misfit police are forced with facing Gen. Wolfgang Richter & his zombie battalion. They manage to hold them of for some time, but little do they know that they are in over their heads as the volatile Nazi’s have a secret weapon that even they have christened “The Accident.”

Alexander Vasallo

SNAKES IN THE TOILET!

Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as President Schwarzenegger, Keanu Reeves as Johnny Whoa, Dwyane ‘The Rock’ Johnson as Bishop the Plumber, Olga Kurylenko as Alexia Ohmagod, Jeff Bridges as The Snake Charmer, Scarlett Johansson as Expendable Hottie #1, and Ron Jeremy as Expendable Douchebag #3

President Schwarzenegger goes to a small town to make a speech when suddenly the entire town gets under attack by the mysterious Snake Charmer and his army of snakes. With the Secret Service dead and the town and sewers crawling with poisonous snakes, the President and the survivors of the town must band together and put a stop to the Snake Charmer and his elaborate assassination attempt.

That’s it. That’s the list.

I hope you enjoyed reading them all as much as I did, and I hope you all enjoyed entering this contest as much as I enjoyed holding it. This is a pure love of movies on display, and it’s awesome to be able to be part of that.

If you won, keep an eye on your mailbox for an e-mail from The Kidd with your ticket pick-up instructions. If you didn’t, don’t.

Congrats to the winners. They deserve their winnings.

Tags: Contests • machete