Twilight Takes Over The World, Or At Least MTV
Last night, for old time’s sake, and also because there is apparently nothing else on TV during the summer on a Sunday, The Kidd tuned into the MTV Movie Awards. Now, usually, I have absolutely no expectations going in, because honestly… how can we really trust MTV to accurately award fine cinema? They air “The Hills,” and will soon be adding “The Real World: Cancun” to the mix, because nothing says reality like a group of strangers living in Mexico for a few months where the only responsibilities they actually have are to get as drunk and as laid as possible. Oh, yeah, and I forgot their other new show “16 & Pregnant,” because nothing sends a better message to today’s youth than a television program that says, “Hey, get knocked up when you’re younger, and we might just feature you on MTV.” And then there’s Paris Hilton’s 2nd season of “My New BFF,” which means the 1st BFF isn’t so forever anymore, and… fuck, don’t get me started.
Last night I had less than no expectations. In fact, I was dreading the worst. I tuned in primarily because, if Andy Samberg was hosting, I had the slightest bit of optimism that I might get to hear one of the classics from his SNL Shorts. How hopeful can one be when “High School Musical 3″ and “Twilight” are nominated in almost every single category? The answer… not hopeful at all, with 
each movie winning multiple golden popcorn thingies, with “Twilight” being the big winner of the night, claiming five trophies, including Best Movie. Are you kidding me? “Twilight” is the best movie of the last year, according to a bunch of sick, obsessed 15-year-old girls? If they renamed the category to go along with that, The Kidd might be able to accept this recognition. But a boring-ass, uninteresting movie about angsty emo vampires is a better movie than the Oscar-winning Best Picture “Slumdog Millionaire,” “Iron Man,” or “The Dark Knight.” “High School Musical 3″ was also nominated, but give me a fuckin’ break. Just because you think vampires are sexy, and, for some reason, you think this Robert Pattinson guy is more than the uncharismatic drunk that he really is doesn’t mean you have to be a complete and total fuckin’ idiot. These “Twilight” kids are sick. They think anything and everything ‘Twilight”-related is the greatest thing in the history of the world. Well, guess what? I wouldn’t even wipe my ass with pages from any of the “Twilight” books, because frankly my butt hole deserves so much better. And, as for the movies, they suck. Seeing the trailers for both “Twilight” and “New Moon” is enough of these movies than I ever care to see. No one can act. They generate no excitement when they are actually on-screen. And everything, for some fuckin’ reason, looks blue. Yet, for some reason, these kids are going crazy, voting as many times as they possibly can to make sure the movies win as many MTV Awards as possible, because they have nothing better to do as they dry their teenage panties from all the “Twilight”-induced moisture. That frightens me. because when people’s standards have dropped so low that 
they are ravenous about some shitty vampire melodrama that isn’t very good to begin with, need I say more? The movie also won for Best Fight over a bunch of movies that had far superior action, like “Hellboy 2,” “The Dark Knight,” and really the best of the bunch, “Pineapple Express.” Breakthrough Male Performance went to Robert Pattinson, who reminded us all that when teenage girls are voting, you just have to look somewhat good for them, especially when you can’t act worth a shit. Best Kiss went to “Twilight,” over the much-more deserving tongue-raping from “I Love You Man.” And Best Female was awarded to Kristen Stewart. Now I heard she wasn’t bad at all in “Adventureland” but I’m not that convinced. Last night, I watched a girl who looked more strung out and fucked-up than Lindsay Lohan get up on stage and drop her trophy. I don’t know if she was pissed that she couldn’t actually eat the golden popcorn, or if she wanted to take out her frustration on the trophy that it wasn’t made of cocaine or what… but that bitch was fucked-up. She was actually so drunk, I could smell the liquor on her through my television, which promptly reminded me that I needed a new beer. And then, of course, the movie itself won the big prize, proving once again that teenage girls really are dumber than they look, and should not be given any important decisions to make ever.
“High School Musical 3″ won Breakthrough Female Performance for Ashley Tisdale, who we will probably have forgotten in three years, so good job with 
that. Zac Efron also won for “HSM3″ in the category of Best Male Performance. I don’t necessarily have a problem with Zac Efron. I mean, he’s doing Vanessa Hudgens, so he must be doing something right. Plus, he’s trying to branch out and do different things, trying to actually be taken seriously as an actor, so I can’t fault the guy for that. But do something with your fuckin’ hair, man. You just sweep it across your face like the wind blew it there and try to play it off like it’s cool? You know what’d be cool, if you used a fuckin’ comb. Most people hate when there’s hair in their face… this guy embraces it and puts it there on purpose. You look like an asshole. However, take a lesson from this, fellas… if you want to bed a chick that looks like Vanessa Hudgens and gets naked like her, too, then looking like an asshole might just be the way to go.
Another reason I hate MTV… how in the world did they manage to make Megan Fox look not hot? This chick is smokin’ all of the time. In fact, I’m pretty positive that the sight of her taking a dump after a Mexican dinner would cause massive amounts of erections around the world. However, MTV somehow managed to fuck that up. It just wasn’t good… not at all. In fact, at the next commercial, I had to actually go into the bathroom and console my penis, who was just crying up a 
storm. It was as if someone had told him there was no such thing as Santa, which, of course, is a blatant lie, so you could understand why he’d be so upset. Sometimes I just don’t get you, MTV… first, no more music videos, and now you want to go ahead and crush people’s hopes, dreams, and masturbation material. What happened to you, man…? You used to be beautiful.
I usually defend Miley Cyrus, because I think this chick gets a raw deal sometimes, and is unnecessarily picked on by Disney fans and religious crazies for not always acting as wholesome as they believe she should be. Then there are times when she talks, when she just comes across as the most obnoxious motherfucker in the room. I’m happy for you that you actually won Best Song over a couple of better songs, namely “Jai Ho” from “Slumdog Millionaire” and Springsteen’s track from “The Wrestler.” That’s awesome. But then you had to walk up there and “Thank God… HELLO!!!” I’m sure He was up in heaven, wondering to Himself, “Haven’t I done enough for this chick? What the fuck does she want now?” I know she’s all about saving herself and what not, but I’d bet she be a little easier to handle and much more mellowed out if she was getting some regular dick. Where’s Billy Ray when he could really be useful? What…? They’re from Tennessee. That’s as normal as outhouses and tractor races for them.
The musical numbers were pretty entertaining, with Andy Samberg collaborated with Will Ferrell (as Neil Diamond) and J.J. Abrams on keyboard for “Cool Guys Don’t Look At Explosions.” The song couldn’t be more true, as these dudes just 
blow shit up and defy every human reflex to turn around and take a look. They don’t care about the fire or the destruction. In fact, explosions are probably a part of their everyday activities. They know what the fuck it looks like, so they don’t need to stand around watching their handiwork. They have other important things to do like clean up the kitty litter and watch Oprah. What a bunch of badasses. I’m glad tribute was paid to them. Also, Andy Samberg’s songs were performed, in cover fashion, by LeAnn Rimes, Chris Isaak, and Forest Whitaker. An Oscar-winning actor belting out “Dick In A Box”? Now that’s classy. Not nearly as classy as that time I dipped my wang into a glass of wine, but definitely more classy than Grey Poupon.
And that brings us to the Eminem incident. Slim Shady was the first musical performer of the night, making his return to MTV with “We Made You,” which might be his first single off his new album but isn’t even close to being one of his best new tracks and “Crack A Bottle.” It was interesting to watch the different reactions from the crowd, with Hayden Panettiere looking like she was ready to hop on stage and fuck Eminem (because The Kidd is pretty sure she is that kind of dirty girl) and Cameron Diaz looking bored as fuck, probably because she could hear the music, but couldn’t see the stage over her giant Joker mouth. Anyway, later, as it came time to present Best Male Performance, Sacha Baron Cohen as Bruno came flying in overheard, dressed as some type of gladiator angel. However, upon his descent to the stage, he clips an air vent, and claims to be tangled in the wires, demanding to be let down. It just so happens that all of this happens over the head of Eminem. As Bruno hits the ground, he lands 69-style on Eminem, with his face in Eminem’s crotch, and his ass directly in Eminem’s face. “Eminem, nice to meet you,” he said. Eminem responded with “Are you serious?” as he prompted his 
entourage to get Bruno off him. Bruno hung from the rafters, still harnessed as Em’s bodyguards piñataed him around overhead while Eminem left his seat and filed out of the row, with his posse intact. “hey, don’t touch me guys! I’ve already got a boyfriend. Hey, guys, let’s continue this in my hotel room!” said Bruno, before wrapping up the encounter by asking Eminem, “Is the real Slim Shady about to stand up?” The debate has been over whether or not this whole thing was staged, and there is a camera shot of Eminem looking up right before Bruno falls with his balls on him that might lead you to think at least MTV knew what was about to happen. However, I have the feeling that Eminem was not in on it, as he left fuckin’ pissed at what had just transpired. And who could blame him? He battled addiction. He comes back on MTV. He performs a set for their awards ceremony, and how do they repay him? By having some dude practically teabag him. It doesn’t make much sense for Eminem to have agreed to this stunt, because it doesn’t serve Eminem any good at all to be a part of it. Because, as I watched him storm out of the auditorium, The Kidd’s first thought was wondering where the 
fuck his sense of humor was. This is the guy who has bashed on other celebrities left and right his entire career, and then this happens, and he throws a fit. So Eminem can dish it out, but he can’t take it. Set up or not, with his reaction planned or not, I think the world lost a little bit of respect for Marshall Mathers last night. On the other hand, I gained some serious respect for Sacha Baron Cohen. After he pushed the envelope with Borat a few years ago, he continues to have some balls (literally) to be willing to rub his ass cheeks and ball sack all over Eminem on live television. You are one brave motherfucker, sir, and I salute you.
The Kidd will be working overtime in the next couple of days to bring you a few new installments of “The Kidd Vs.” with the latest going up this morning, chronicling my attempt to give you a review of “Up” this weekend. That shit needs to be read to be believed. Part two of that will be up over the next day or so. Also, I should be going one-on-one with “The Hangover” this week, so you can look forward to that as well. As for my guest spot on a podcast at the end of the week, keep an ear open for The Kidd on the 2nd episode of the Game Goddess Podcast for SFX-360.com. They wanted me to sit in their “Hot Seat” and talk about why guys find it surprising to find girls out at video gaming events, as a result of some interviews I did in a video a few months back. We did one segment of pure gold only for the computer to complete fuck it all up and distort the sound, rendering it absolutely useless. So, we took a short break, and went right back to it, take two, to make sure you had something entertaining to listen to. While I thought the first time around was absolutely classic, the second attempt came out pretty good as well, so you should have that to look forward to listening to sometime this week.
Until tomorrow…
Have a pleasant immediate future.
Peace.
