Who Wants Cameron Diaz As A Leading Lady?
The Kidd has gone on the record as saying I don’t believe Cameron Diaz is attractive. I won’t go so far as to say she’s ugly, but let’s just say that my penis cringes at the very mention of her name, and you don’t know what happens when 
he happens to see her. It really is a shame, too, because at one point she actually did look good. She looked amazing in “The Mask.” She looked good as ol’ jizz hair in “There’s Something About Mary.” She still looked doable in the two “Charlie’s Angels” movie, but that was only if Lucy Liu and Drew Barrymore turned me down (oh, hot Asian girls, how you managed to escape me), and I consumed enough vodka to not know the difference… or not care, whichever came first. However, along the way, something bizarre began to happen. Her mouth started to take over her face. If you look at Cameron Diaz over the years, you can see a strange transformation in action, as you witness the her lips and her jaw and her whole fuckin’ mouth just spread and expand and dominate her overall appearance. It would have been one thing to score a blowjob from this chick years and years ago, but now… forget it. There’s no telling if my dick would even be able to find its way out without needing a fuckin’ map and maybe even a GPS unit. On top of that, I’d have to enter into Cameron Diaz’s face, and… just fuckin’ look at this woman. That is one scary bitch.
Well, apparently her acting is still good enough for some. I don’t know how anyone can get beyond the fact that her mouth might take over the screen at any 
moment, but I’ll give credit where credit is due – they are better men than I. And, with that, reports are out that Diaz is in early talks to play the female lead in “Green Hornet,” which will see Seth Rogan in the title role. Elsewhere, I have already seen the jokes about Cameron Diaz finally being a love interest for Seth Rogan that they could buy, and The Kidd totally disagrees. Seth Rogan should have some standards, too. This is one of those cases where I can’t actually buy that Seth Rogan would fuck Cameron Diaz. Seth Rogan isn’t exactly the studliest man on the face of the earth. I think it would be a bit of a stretch to say he even looks okay. But that’s no reason to expect that he should have to settle on fucking what basically amounts to the clown’s mouth from miniature golf. I’d rather stick my dick in the windmill than in Cameron Diaz… probably do less damage that way as well. There is just nothing exciting about the prospect of Cameron Diaz in “Green Hornet,” let alone any movie. She isn’t driving me to the theatre to see her beauty or her acting skills. I guess I might be curious to see a movie where she gets naked, but then again… if the lips on her face are that fuckin’ huge, just imagine what the lips on her…. well, you get the idea. Let’s try to be a little classy and subtle (**cough**PUSSY**cough**).
The Smurfs movie has secured a director to bring the project to the big screen, and the lucky man is Raja Gosnell. Huh…? Never heard of him, have you? Well, maybe you’ve heard of some of the rest of his directorial resume – “Home Alone 3,” “Big Momma’s House,” the two “Scooby Doo” movies and… oh, yeah… we can’t forget “Beverly Hills Chihuahua.” are you excited yet? I know you are. How could 
you not be enthused about seeing one of your favorites cartoons from your childhood in the hands of a complete and total fuckin’ idiot who seems to be only capable of making pieces of shit? It’s going to be live action and CG at the exact same time, so it’s almost exactly like those “Scooby Doo” flicks… or better yet, like “Alvin and the Chipmunks.” Wait… where are you going? No, don’t throw yourself out the window. It’s not that seri… oh well… too late. I don’t know that that was necessary. I mean, there’s no guarantee they were totally going to fuck it up… just a very strong possibility. Well, at least it’ll be in 3D, giving you the impression that this steaming pile of turd action is coming right out at you. That’s gotta be worth a few bucks and a couple hours of your life. After all, you probably haven’t had anyone throw shit in your direction since… well, probably yesterday…. but, in my defense, there was nothing much better to do. Sorry about the poop on your sleeve, but not really.
“Spider-Man 4″ continues to progress, but it still looks as if we are a ways to go from getting any real information on Spidey’s next course of action. After two previous drafts, yet another writer has been brought in to give our friendly neighborhood web-crawler a pass. Writer Gary Ross, who has “Big,” “Dave,” “Seabiscuit,” and “Pleasantville” to his credit, has been hired to try hammering 
out a worthwhile script for Spider-Man, in the hopes of making us forgive and forget the last movie. After all, we already try to pretend as if it didn’t happen, but another movie that’s actually good will go a long way towards helping us suppress that unfortunate memory. The Kidd is actually optimistic about Ross being brought on to give his own take on the script, as I am a big fan of the other movies he’s written, so we should have confidence that he can deliver a “Spider-Man 4″ we won’t give the head shake of shame. There’s still no word on who the villain or villains will be, so it’s anyone’s guess. Perhaps we might get a bit of a hint as Comic-Con rolls around, or perhaps Sam Raimi will continue to torture us with endless guessing that will inevitably be wrong. My money is still on The Lizard, so we’ll have to wait and see. However, at least there’s some good news to be had, in knowing that they are working hard to put together a quality script that won’t suck, which is better than some superhero movies out there today… and you know I’m looking at you, Wolverine.
A couple of notable divorces to make sure you’re informed about. It looks like David Alan Grier will be soon enjoying the single life, filing for a split from his 2nd wife. Oh, and Edward Furlong will soon be making it rain on the hoes as well, filing papers to divorce from his wife. Damn, I said notable, didn’t I? Well, it is the guy who used to be on “In Living Color” and the guy who used to be John Connor in “Terminator 2.” Okay, nevermind… I guess we could just file this one under “Who Gives A Shit?!”
Finally, it looks like Britney Spears may have fallen off the wagon… or is it 
hopped onto the wagon. Hmmm… either way, there are horses involved… and they supply her with diet problems, and now you see how we’ve come full circle to the real source of the problem. According to those hard-nosed journalists over at Betty Confidential, her dad Jamie was alarmed when he caught Britney popping over-the-counter diet pills, which she washed down with Red Bull, before a recent performance. “Britney was definitely trying to get high by taking too many diet pills and energy drinks,” says a family insider. “Jamie thinks the combination of the two is making her whacked-out and, causing her to lash out in weird angry rampages.” Wait a second… hold up… you can get fucked-up taking diet pills with Red Bull…? Why didn’t anyone tell me this shit…?! Fuckin’-A!!! I would’ve been willing to trade my own concoction secrets, but I’m sure you already know what happens when you mix rum and Pepto-bismol. Damn, what do you get when you just take some Advil with water…? Oh, that just helps with a headache. Hmmm… Robitussin and tequila, Claritin and whiskey, NyQuil and… well, just NyQuil by itself will do the trick. Ah, the possibilities are endless. I knew that chick was good for something these days, besides serving as a reminder of just how crazy one person can get. Thanks a lot, Britney.
Until tomorrow…
